America has six winners when it comes to major sports, but we don’t handle ties well. There can only be one, and now we need to settle it. There’s only one fair way to decide which team is the ultimate champion out of New England, Golden State, Pittsburgh, Chicago, Clemson, and North Carolina — their mascots need to fight to the death.
- A minuteman (representing the Patriots)
- A generic warrior (representing the Warriors)
- A penguin (for Pittsburgh)
- A bear cub (repping Chicago)
- A tiger (Clemson’s own)
- A ram (We’re going with this instead of a Tar Heel)
In order to break this up, a series of one-on-one bouts need to be drawn up. In the interest of fairness, a committee made up of only me has settled on the only fair way for this to happen.
Human division: Minuteman vs. Warrior
This is a classic matchup of raw power vs. technology. We’re taking “warrior” to mean the classic sense here — “within the context of a tribal or clan-based warrior culture society” (according to Wikipedia).
If the fight was unarmed the warrior would win, no doubt — but instead the minuteman is going to square up and shoot right through their armor.
Small animal division: Bear cub vs. Penguin
This is a curious one because it’s really about the here and now. A cub is a bear-in-training, and has yet to fully realize its power or ability. But the other is a penguin. There’s nothing scary about a penguin except the inside of their mouths, which are a friggin’ horror show.
This would be a long, long, long fight. The cub would be confused. The penguin would be waddling around like a trapped flightless bird because it’s a trapped flightless bird. Ultimately the bear cub would get hungry and eat the penguin.
Bear cub wins!
Regular animal division: Tiger vs. Ram.
The tiger tears this ram apart in less than 20 seconds and we don’t need to talk about this any more.
Now we’re in a quandary. We have three fighters left. It’s here we need to go with experience. Which has the ability to change the game in the middle of the contest? The minuteman. Years of repping the Patriots has taught it how to bend the rules, so for no conceivable reason it gets a bye -- which leaves us with ...
Animal final: Bear cub vs. Tiger.
I can’t even think about this without getting sad. It speaks for itself.
GRAND FINAL: Minuteman vs. Tiger
The minuteman, gun and all, has one shot to win this fight — literally. A single stray musket shot and it’s over. The reload time is too long, the threat too great, and both parties are trapped inside a circle.
Let’s give the minuteman a sporting chance and say it was shot by the musket. A story from India earlier this year shows that a tiger was shot with a vintage musket as recently as May. It took 13 days to die.
The minuteman gets his shot off and then gets absolutely torn to shreds by the angry tiger. There’s no reasoning with the tiger. All hope is lost. Please see “Tipu’s Tiger” for more information on this fight.