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ESPN8 'The Ocho': Highlights and results from the Aug. 8 special

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The movie Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story invented the concept of an ESPN channel so weird that it would air professional dodgeball. It was called “ESPN8: “The Ocho,” and now that is a reality for one magical day.

On Tuesday, Aug. 8, ESPNU has transformed into ESPN8: “The Ocho,” and is airing sports that never, ever get airtime outside of internet streams.

8 a.m. We start with some Kabaddi.

8:30 a.m. - For the purposes of this experiment I’m not Googling the rules of any of these sports, I’m just going by what I see. Here’s what I’ve learned about Kabaddi in the last 30 minutes: It’s like tag, but with tackling. One team is on the attack, called a “raid” where one player tries to go against the entire defense and tap their foot past the red line, and then get out of bounds.

The other team tries to tackle them and stop the raid. If a raider is tackled they’re eliminated from the round, which causes the number of defenders to dwindle in the next raid.

8:32 a.m. SUPER TACKLE

8:45 a.m. India is really running away with this. They keep tackling Iran and scoring points and Super Ajay, who I learned is a good player, just scored something called a “SUPER TEN” which I think is like a Kabaddi triple-double.

8:55 a.m. India win the world cup! SUPER AJAY MVP!

9:58 a.m. This world cup is actually super good.

9:00 a.m. Time for some darts! The introduction was very dramatic and set to Lorde. I’m good with all this.

9:05 a.m. The world No.1 is this man, who is a “Dutch darting sensation.”

9:11 a.m. Here’s our head-to-head for the day:

9:17 a.m. He’s coming out to “Seven Nation Army,” because a lack of taste is universal.

9:27 a.m. The crowd is so ridiculously pumped for darts. It’s just a giant bar, and everyone is drunk and partying and Luigi is there.

9:48 a.m. This crowd chant is getting in my head: “Oh ... Gary, Gary. Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary Anderson. Oh ... Gary, Gary. Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary Anderson. Oh ... Gary, Gary. Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary Anderson. Oh ... Gary, Gary. Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary Anderson.”

Gary Anderson. Oh ... Gary, Gary. Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary Anderson.

10:50 a.m. Darts has been as exciting as you’d expect darts to be, but some dude just rushed the stage and grabbed the trophy and got tackled. Apparently it was a YouTuber.

11:00 a.m. Michael van Gerwen is the KING OF DARTS!

11:30 a.m. Darts was a little too passive for my liking. Bring on ... ARM WRESTLING!

11:32 a.m. Every single one of these arm wrestlers sound like they chain smoke in between arm wrestling events. I am scared of all of them.

11:40 a.m. "Travis Bagent is more full of himself than a Russian doll" is a phrase I just heard.

12:30 p.m. CHAMPIONSHIP OF BAGS!

12:47 p.m. Guy is sponsored by “Slick Woody’s Cornhole”

1:09 p.m. This is the only sport where competitors hang out with red solo cups.

2:13 p.m. Might be the only sport where you listen to music and tune everyone out AND have the time to change tracks mid-game.

2:30 p.m. We’ve got the EVO STREET FIGHTER CHAMPIONSHIPS!

Professional fighting games are way more difficult than they look.

4:07 p.m. “So intimidating. Just a big mound of muscle wearing a bear head comin’ at you!” — EVO commentator

5:15 p.m. HEADIS aka head tennis, featuring a competitor named Beer Vampire.