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Amateur gymnast gets stuck in window trying to retrieve her own poop

This is modern storytelling at its finest.

The world has gifted us a great many stories, fictional and real. Lawrence of Arabia, The Lion King, A Tale of Two Cities — now we can add a new one to the canon. A tale of a man, a woman, and a piece of poop stuck between two window panes.

“Liam Smyth” (not his real name), a graduate student in Bristol, England told the story of a Tinder date gone wrong on GoFundMe, where he’s raising money to replace the window in his house. Why? Because his date broke it trying to retrieve a piece of poop she thought she was throwing out the window, before learning it was double-paned glass.

via GoFundMe

After an evening of fast food chicken, Liam and his date had planned to watch a documentary about the Church of Scientology on Netflix and have some wine, which sounds like a demonstrably bad first date. But I digress.

His date needed to use the restroom, at which point she found out the toilet didn’t flush.

Clogging someone else’s toilet is the greatest moment of fear you can have in a social setting. Your brain races 1,000 miles a minute trying to work out how you can make it right. Not knowing what to do, Liam’s date wrapped up her own poop, opened the window and tried to throw it out — but then learned the grizzly truth:

“Unfortunately, owing to a design quirk of my house, the toilet window does not in fact open to the garden, but instead into a narrow gap of about a foot and a half, separated from the outside world by another (non-opening) double glazed window. It was into this twilight zone that my date had thrown her poo.”

Credit where it’s due to the date, because she wanted to make things right. After Liam suggested they break the window, she announced that she was an amateur gymnast and could retrieve the droppings. After sliding down between the windows, she became stuck:

“She climbed in head first after her own turd, reached deeper into the window, bagged it up, and passed it out, over the top and back into the toilet from whence it came. She called out to me to help her climb out from the window, I grabbed her waist and I pulled. But she was stuck. Stuck fast. Try as we might, we could not remove her from the window. She was stuck fast, upside down in the gap.”

Things were so bad the fire department had to be called to retrieve her, which meant smashing the window and fishing her out:

via GoFundMe

Facing a £300 bill to foot the repair and being a poor student, Liam turned to the internet to help. In six hours, his £200 request has reached £760 at the time of writing, and that leftover money isn’t going to waste. Liam has said he plans to take whatever funds are leftover and donate 50 percent to charities that assist with plumbing infrastructure in Third World countries and 50 percent to the firefighters charity which helps support retired and current firefighters in need of psychological and medical assistance.

All’s well that ends well. There’s no poop between Liam’s windows, his date is safe, and some needy charities are getting the help they need. Now this story can join the annals of history.