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The internet is using this Google app to learn what art looks like them, so we tried it with athletes

Tom Brady ended up being a monster.

The Google Arts & Culture app is sweeping social media as people rush to take their selfie and find out if any works of art look like them. It’s utterly pointless, rarely accurate, and often funny — which is why it’s perfect that we should put a bunch of athletes through this thing.

We’ll kick it off with LeBron James. Let’s see how the world’s most-recognizable basketball player does in this app.

I mean, the hairline is totally on point. Teeth look close, too. It’s not exactly flattering, but I kinda see what they’re going for here.

If James is the alpha, then Tom Brady is the omega. We’re going to big-name recognizable GOATS here.


I’m not saying Touchdown Tom isn’t a beautiful man, but there’s no denying the Silicon Valley-designed algorithms of Google believe he’s at least 44 percent misshapen monster who lives under a bridge. This is bizarre because the horrific courtroom sketch of Tom Brady actually results in something pretty.

Maybe there’s something to this idea that the prettier you are in real life, the worse you are in Google Arts & Culture form? Let’s push this to the limit.

Young Diplomat going to drop the most fire album of 2018.

This pasty meat bag is nothing in compared with the modern Adonis that is Cristiano Ronaldo. So far the theory is checking out. If you put your photo through the tool and the result is ugly then rest assured: You’re gorgeous.

Now let’s try Nick Saban, because why not.

Can we please all agree to call Saban “THE KEEPER OF THE ROOSTERS” from now on? Please? You can make it my Christmas AND my birthday present. It’s like a low-rent Alabama version of “THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS” except these eggs can be hatched by sitting on them, not walking into a fire. OK, fine, I know roosters don’t lay eggs. Get off my back.

Will Kristaps Porzingis yield us a beautiful majestic unicorn?

This is why we can feel safe about our eventual robot-controlled hell future. If they think a 7’0 athletic monster is a baby, then we can slowly build a Latvian army that will topple the robots and cut them off from their battery supplies.

Aaron Judge is a chimney sweep. OK, this is perfect. Beautiful people are ugly according to computers, and giant people are children. We can win this future war yet. Both Judge and Porzingis are young athletes, so let’s check in on one of the old guard. Literally, an old guard.

There’s a certain Peter Stormare quality to this, but I don’t doubt this looks kinda accurate.

What did we learn from this experiment?

  1. Beautiful people make for ugly art and vice versa.
  2. Robots don’t know the difference between 7’0 men and babies.

What did we REALLY learn?

Nothing. And isn’t that what truly great art is? Art for art’s sake.