The 2018 NFL Draft hats are trash. Hot trash. Hot trash that looks like bootleg merch you’d buy from a roadside stand while walking from your parking spot to the game.
They look like hats designed in the basement of a middle-aged dad who learned everything about NFL teams from factoids he garnered off Wikipedia. The hats are bad, that’s the general thesis I’m going for here.
Look, I know these were probably cooked up in a marketing lab by people who unironically use the words “synergy” and “brand awareness” in their day-to-day lives, but they feel so horrible and contrived. Instead we need to fan-up these hats in a way that REALLY appeals in a way that people can relate to.
49ers
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Old slogan: NINERS
New slogan: GAROPPOLOS
The 49ers are the only team to just get their actual name. There’s no reason for it. Just embrace the only reason anyone really talks about the 49ers right now.
Jets
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Old slogan: J-E-T-S
New slogan: B-O-O-O
This is what will happen on draft day anyway. Might as well just steer into the curve.
Panthers
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Old slogan: Two States One Team
New slogan: Get Cam a WR
Send a message with a hat. Nobody cares the Panthers represent North and South Carolina. They DO care that the best option at WR that Newton has had in the last four years is Ted Ginn Jr.
Patriots
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Old slogan: Do your job
New slogan: Who dat?
Hear me out, because I know some of you just got real angry. The idea here is that I want to put the “draft” back into the draft cap. NOTHING is more fitting in this goal than a salute to Bill Belichick, who will assuredly take a Swedish exchange student who played tight end for a small liberal arts college in the Catskills.
Browns
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Old slogan: Dawg Pound
New slogan: 0-16
Send a message to a potential draftee: Perfect comes in many different shapes.
Titans
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Old slogan: Titan Up
New Slogan: Remember the Titans?
No, not really. I always forget y’all exist. Sorry.
Colts
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Old slogan: Colts forged
New slogan: Oh, God, please let Andrew Luck be OK, because otherwise this is all a stinky trash fire waiting to happen.
It might be a little long, but we’ll work on that.
Cowboys
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I don’t have a suggested slogan. I just wanted to appreciate the fact the Cowboys’ hat seriously looks like something you’d get at a stand in the mall that’s set up next to an Orange Julius. The star is bent. The text is spaced badly. It’s horrible. I love it because it’s horrible.
This is the only good NFL Draft hat.