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Browns OL coach Bob Wylie is weird, wonderful and he’s our new dad

Bob Wylie is our new emperor.

Bob Wylie has been in and out of the NFL since 1990, but it took Hard Knocks to introduce us properly to the Browns’ offensive line coach, and definitive “best coach in the NFL.”

That’s not a title I hand out without understanding its gravitas. I understand I’m making a qualitative statement about a man I don’t know, and there’s an ever-present fear he could milkshake duck me at any second. That said, based on all the information I have he is the best, I love him and I wish he was my dad (sorry dad). Here’s my thesis for why he’s great:

1. Bob Wylie, on stretching.

I’m not wholly convinced Bob Wylie is actually a 67-year-old man from Rhode Island. I think there’s an odds-on chance he was created in a vat in an underground lab out of the distilled consciousness of baby boomers, people who love football injuries, and one industrial-sized tub of off-brand “Hamburger Helper,” the kind you can only buy if you work in a school’s cafeteria.

2. Bob Wylie, king of the snap count.

I feel like that kid with the camcorder in American Beauty who is incapable of comprehending the beauty in the world, often hidden in plain sight, in the most unexpected of places. Bob Wylie is this, and so much more.

3. I pray to God that Bob Wylie’s Wikipedia page is accurate.

It reads:

“Wylie is a licensed pilot, an amateur magician and accomplished musician. Wylie has one daughter (Jennifer) and one grandson (Wylie).”

Normally I’d write these off as a prank thanks to Wylie’s overnight success, but Wikipedia shows that the page hasn’t been edited since January. Now, there’s no telling if the details are accurate — but I choose to believe they are real because it heightens his mystique.

I can’t humanly imagine anyone being worse at illusions than the matter-of-fact Bob Wylie. Also he’s a pilot. Also he’s a musician. Also Bob Wylie’s grandson is named “Wylie.”

4. 3 photos of Bob Wylie, to leave you wanting more.

So, I had this fun idea that I’d bombard you with an overflowing cornucopia of wonderful Bob Wylie pics you could print out and put in your bae binder, but as it so happens there are only three images of Bob Wylie available through Getty Images.

Typically I wouldn’t go so inside baseball on you as to share the image service I used to find Bob Wylie pics, but this is important. Every picture is tagged either “circa 2010” or “circa 2011.” Not even a professional image service can accurately determine when this man existed.

Oakland Raiders 2011 Headshots Photo by NFL via Getty Images
Kansas City Chiefs v Oakland Raiders Photo by Brian Bahr/Getty Images
Denver Broncos 2010 Headshots Photo by NFL via Getty Images

Bob Wylie is the best. He will remain the best until I’m presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary.