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Tom Brady’s coat keeps getting bigger

This is the end.

I really hate to interrupt your football afternoon, but we have an important news break from Gillette Stadium: Tom Brady’s coat appears to be getting larger. On Sunday afternoon the Patriots’ quarterback was spotted in a coat that can only be described as XXXXXXXXXXXL.

The coat comes just weeks after Brady was spotted in a very large, but not-quite-so-ginormous coat at the end of December.

This isn’t alarming just for football fans, it should truly scare all of us. Using advanced computer technology we can safely say that Brady’s coat has grown by 1.5 times in the past three weeks. If we stray on the conservative side and say that Brady’s shoulder width is equal to that of the average male (18.25”) that would make the coat approximately 30.25” in width right now.

If we consider the following we have a chilling timeline of what will happen next.

  • In 9 weeks the coat will be 8.5 feet wide — taking up the entire Patriots’ bench.
  • By March it will reach across America.
  • By the start of the 2019 season it will be 2,441,458 miles wide. Enough to wrap around the earth 98 times.

We all thought this was a joke, and now it’s too late.