Who would win in a fight: a real ram or a real patriot?

Rams vs. Patriots will be settled on the field of Super Bowl LII, but we’re not here to talk about football today. This is about the real fight — where it matters, just on a regular field.

To set this up, we’re looking at the bog-standard attire, build, and loadout of both a ram and a minuteman. All sizes will be based on averages.

We’re assuming there’s enough of a backstory to create bad blood between the two. The ram wants to kill the minuteman, the minuteman wants to end the ram. They will be placed on even ground, roughly the size of a football field, and the fight will start from 30 yards apart.

The tale of the tape.

Ram

Photo by David McNew/Getty Images

Length: 5’6
Weight: 271 pounds
Weapon: 30-pound horns
Speed: 40 MPH (while charging)
Surprising athletic ability: Bighorn sheep can jump up to 20 feet in the air.

Minuteman

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images

Height: 5’8
Weight: 155 pounds
Weapon: Brown Bess (British Land Pattern Musket)
Speed: 28 MPH (maximum sprint)
Surprising ability: Has opposable thumbs.

The case for the ram.

There’s a speed and weight advantage in this match-up that can’t be underestimated here. The minuteman will have a chance to get off one shot before the ram is all over him. A single good headbutt and that human will be on the ground, clutching his midsection like the world is coming to an end. Then it’s time for the ram to go for the kill shot.

The case for the minuteman.

Have you ever been afraid of a sheep? There’s your answer. Sure, the ram is fast, but a musket ball is faster. The ram will run in a straight line, it won’t serpentine, it won’t try to evade. It has the brain of a sheep. If the mere sound of the musket doesn’t cause it to run for the hills, human screams will. If the shot misses the musket can be used like a club, and that offers an inherent reach advantage too.

Counterpoints:

1. Humans innately run when animals run at them.
2. Rams have no built-in way to kill.
3. Rams are low to the ground, making lining up a shot difficult.
4. Humans are the top of the food chain.

Who wins?

This is a tough one — really. The Super Bowl has given us a real-life matchup that’s almost impossible to correctly predict. In the end I have to award this victory to ... THE RAM.

Here’s why: I don’t think the minuteman can fell the ram in a single shot, and he won’t have a chance to reload. Animals don’t quit as easily as humans do, at anything. Rams are used to butting heads endlessly with other rams in an effort to win a mate. Humans just don’t have that kind of stamina.

I question whether the ram will have the killer instinct needed to get the job done — but this is a gut feeling kind of thing. I’ve seen more videos on the internet of people getting bowled over by rams than winning 1-on-1 fights with them.

Congratulations, ram.