If you're a horrible masochist, you're going to spend several hours on Monday night watching the 2013 Home Run Derby, the annual precursor to the MLB All-Star Game. This year, the event is at Citi Field in New York, home of the Mets. So really, there's plenty of sadness to go around.
But since you're already showing little-to-no regard for your own well-being by watching the Home Run Derby, you might as well go whole hog. Or at least whole tater. With that in mind, we proudly present this year's official Home Run Derby drinking game!
[Note: this is the official drinking game, not the official murder game, so we're not asking you to drink every time Chris Berman says the word "back." Be careful out there, everyone.]
- Every time a small child is shown dangerously close to live baseballs, take a drink
- Every time a batter doesn't get the ball out of the infield, take a drink
- Every time a batter makes a big show of how impressed they are by another batter, take a drink
- Every time a batter hugs another batter, take a drink
- Every time Chris Berman says "HE HIT THAT ONE TO [local township, city, or borough], finish your drink
- Every time a tween outfielder whiffs on a can-of-corn fly ball, take a drink
- Every time a tween outfielder makes an ill-advised dive or leap for a fly ball, finish your drink
- Every time Chris Berman makes up a nickname for a batter that includes a pun, take two drinks
- If any batter flips his bat after hitting a home run, finish your drink and run around your house or apartment high-fiving people (imaginary people count)
- Every time there is a super-slow-motion shot of Prince Fielder jiggling, take a drink
- Every time ESPN presents a camera filter or some use of technology that makes no sense when applied to baseball and/or home runs, take two drinks
- Every time a batter asks for a "money ball" and fails to hit a home run, take two drinks
- Every time a co-host laughs at a joke that isn't funny, take a drink
- If Chris Berman makes a comment that sounds vaguely racist while Yoenis Cespedes is at bat, tug your collar and take a drink
- Take a drink for every five "BACK BACK BACK"s (see? we're sensible)
- Every time you see the home run apple, take a drink (Note: this refers to the actual New York Mets home run apple, and not any talking or baseball-playing apples you may be seeing at this point as a result of alcohol psychosis)
- If you turn off the Home Run Derby and do something more worthwhile, congratulations: you win the drinking game!
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