At least you'll die happy
Tampa Bay RaysA four pound burger with two eight 8-ounce patties and eight slices of cheese. Oh, and 32 slices of bacon. It's called Fan vs. Food as if there were some chance of Fan ever winning this battle.
Baltimore OriolesA sausage wrapped in a pretzel roll covered in crab dip. If you need a steak knife and fork to eat it, it's not proper ballpark food. Also, handing out steak knives to drunk sports fans probably isn't the best idea.
Kansas City RoyalsPepperjack sausage topped with pulled pork, spiral mac and cheese and bacon crumbles on a bun. There's no chance that bun holds up for more than 30 seconds.
Minnesota TwinsA bloody mary with a slice of pizza in it and a beer back. According to the Twins, this bloody mary will bring back college memories. If they really wanted to bring back college memories, they'd leave that pizza sitting in a box on the counter for a few days before sticking it into a red solo cup of warm Natty Light. And it sure as hell wouldn't cost $19.
Houston AstrosYour chicken and mashed potatoes are now portable thanks to this handy waffle cone. I'd mess with it. The honey mustard topping is suspect, though.
Texas RangersA one pound 24-inch hot dog topped with smoked brisket, fresh pico, sour cream and crunchy Nacho Cheese Doritos. Because it's classy like that.
Atlanta BravesA footlong all-beef hot dog flash-fried, topped with a mustard-based barbecue sauce, pulled pork, coleslaw, and pickles. Lose the hot dog and you're onto something.
Pittsburgh PiratesA burger with cheddar cheese, fried egg and bacon with a sprinkled glazed donut for a bun. Just like the pirates of yore used to eat.
Cincinnati RedsA quarter-pound, deep fried hot dog topped with chili, pepper jack cheese, and fried salami. Random beef parts topped with random pork parts. Yum.
Milwaukee BrewersPulled pork and mashed potatoes layered parfait-style, topped with chives. Because fruit and yogurt is for pansies.
Colorado RockiesDeep-fried bull or bison testicles. Don't try this at home. Actually, don't try this ever.