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The only correct rosters for the 2015 MLB All-Star Game

Phew. Glad that's settled. What's for lunch?

This picture is gross.
This picture is gross.
Dale Zanine-USA TODAY Sports

You don't care about the All-Star roster that a writer comes up with. Good. You shouldn't. That is an absolutely appropriate reaction. But in the decade-plus I've been writing about baseball, I've never tried to make a roster. I've never played the everyone-gets-a-ribbon game and found the All-Stars from bad teams, and I haven't tried to strike a balance between the former All-Stars who aren't good enough in their old age, and the Maypril All-Stars who might be deserving after all.

My word, how many closers should a sane person take to the All-Star Game?

So I want to try, and it's not like anyone is reading. You're all drinking Lime-A-Ritas by some lake, getting sunburned and falling down. That's fine, and you have a good time, now. I'm still going to try this.

The only correct All-Star roster for the American League

Luckily, I don't have to bore you with my method of picking All-Stars because I've done that already in in a pair of posts that were as enjoyable as a nice, close shave from a Gillette razor, mm-hmmm. So we already know who the starters should be.

C - Russell Martin
1B - Miguel Cabrera
2B - Jason Kipnis
SS - Jose Iglesias
3B - Josh Donaldson
OF - Mike Trout
OF - Lorenzo Cain
OF - Jose Bautista
DH - Prince Fielder
SP - Chris Sale

I'll go with longevity and take Martin over Stephen Vogt. The former has been excellent for years, and the second wave of his career deserves recognition. Vogt hit like Ted Williams for two months, and then had a nice, pleasant Stephen Vogt kind of month in June. That's probably the real version, and while it's still All-Star quality, I'm almost positive that Martin isn't fooling us with small samples. Can't say that with Vogt.

Iglesias isn't the easiest pick at short, considering that no one is really running away with the honors. Note that Carlos Correa is almost leading the AL in WAR after 90 at-bats. Maybe I should have just picked him. Guess there's the next two decades for that, though ...

While I'd love to troll the world with Alex Rodriguez, Fielder is having a fantastic season.

Sale gets the nod over Sonny Gray, Chris Archer, Dallas Keuchel, et al, because I enjoy watching him pitch a little more. This is my All-Star roster. Mine. Mine mine mine. Chris Sale pitches like a Transformer folding a broken lawn chair, and I can't get enough.

C - Stephen Vogt
C - Salvador Perez
1B - Albert Pujols
2B - Brian Dozier
2B - Dustin Pedroia
SS - Xander Bogaerts
3B - Manny Machado
3B - Mike Moustakas
OF - Adam Jones
OF - Nelson Cruz
OF - Brett Gardner
DH - Alex Rodriguez

SP - Dallas Keuchel
SP - Chris Archer
SP - Sonny Gray
SP - Felix Hernandez
SP - David Price
SP - Corey Kluber
RP - Wade Davis
RP - Dellin Betances
RP - Glen Perkins
RP - Andrew Miller
RP - Zach Britton

Last player bounced
Jose Altuve, which made me very, very sad

Player I just wasn't buying
Yovani Gallardo, and not just because of the ERA/FIP difference. He's just such a known quantity, and that quantity is "basically Matt Garza-like", unless Matt Garza is Yovani Gallardo-like. Maybe they're both Samardzija-like. It's a genre, is what I'm saying, and it doesn't need to be in the All-Star Game.

Defensive superstars like Kevin Kiermaier
I appreciate them, but I don't want to watch them hit against Aroldis Chapman.

Player here because of the one-player-for-every-team rule
None. This might be a first in All-Star Game history, but no shenanigans were required.

This brings us to ...

The only correct All-Star roster for the National League

C - Buster Posey
1B - Paul Goldschmidt
2B - Dee Gordon
SS - Brandon Crawford
3B - Nolan Arenado
OF - Bryce Harper
OF - Andrew McCutchen
OF - Joc Pederson
DH - Todd Frazier
SP - Max Scherzer

Notes: This is a very simple ballot to fill out, with the only question being the DH. I went with Frazier because of a) Cincinnati hosting the game, b) he was so close to making the lineup anyway, and c) Chris Sale is the opposing starter in this weird alternate universe I've made up.

C - Yasmani Grandal
C - Yadier Molina
1B - Adrian Gonzalez
1B - Anthony Rizzo
1B - Joey Votto
2B - Joe Panik
2B - Kolten Wong
SS - Jhonny Peralta
OF - A.J. Pollock
OF - Justin Upton
OF - Ryan Braun
OF - Starling Marte

SP - Zack Greinke
SP - Gerrit Cole
SP - A.J. Burnett
SP - Cole Hamels
SP - Shelby Miller
SP - Johnny Cueto
SP - Jacob deGrom
RP - Aroldis Chapman
RP - Trevor Rosenthal
RP - A.J. Ramos
RP - Jeurys Familia

In which he realizes that Madison Bumgarner might not make the All-Star team. No offense to Jeurys Familia, but I'd guess that we're probably still talking about Bumgarner in 10 years, when Familia will look like the Derrick Turnbow or Brian Fuentes of the team. Except you have to build this sucker practically, and managers like a bunch of one-inning guys because that's their normal routine. Just four of them is pushing it.

Sweet, sweet Bumgarner. Don't hate me.

Maybe Burnett will give up 10 runs in his next start.

Last player bounced
Brandon Phillips, who lasted that long because of host-city feelings. It was him or Votto, so I went with the guy having the better season.

Player I just wasn't buying
Justin Turner, who is having a better season than a lot of those people, but hasn't had as many at-bats

A roster without Giancarlo Stanton

Player here because of the one-player-for-every-team rule
Cole Hamels and Ryan Braun. At least they're legitimate superstars/Hall of Nearly Greaters. I chose Braun over Francisco Rodriguez because I don't like Francisco Rodriguez.

That was a lot more fun than I thought, in a very, very nerdy way. There aren't too many players up there who will look like a bad yearbook haircut in a decade, which is what I was trying to avoid. Looking at you, Bryan LaHair and Kevin Correia. The important thing to remember is that these are pretty much the only correct permutations for the All-Star rosters, and fan voting is going to screw it all up.

Just let me pick the danged teams, Manfred. You have my number.