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I don't want to write about Rhys Hoskins in case he stops hitting homers

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Please respect this difficult decision.

Miami Marlins v Philadelphia Phillies Photo by Mitchell Leff/Getty Images

Rhys Hoskins is a Phillies rookie who is having an incredible start to his major league career. He has played in 33 games, and he has already hit 17 homers, which [lowers shades] is a record, by the way. Hoskins already has as many homers as another rookie, Yuli Gurriel, who has played in 124 games, and is tied for 11th among all rookies in dingers. That’s impressive!

I don’t want to write about it, though. I’m too nervous. What if Hoskins stops hitting homers? If I get too effusive about his power and then it just goes away because opposing pitchers find a hole in his swing that they can exploit, then I’ll look stupid. That’s not fair to me! Hoskins clearly never considered what a pickle he was putting sportswriters in by hitting so well so early in his career.

I just ... I need a larger sample size before I can say anything with any real confidence or authority. Is Hoskins going to be like Aaron Judge, dingering his way into our hearts and minds and unable to be dislodged after the initial weeks and months pass by? Or is he just Chris Shelton but with a first name that makes me want to eat peanut butter cups?

Wait, is Judge even at Aaron Judge’s level? He’s only hit .185/.353/.392 with 11 homers since the All-Star break after an 1139 first-half OPS that featured 30 homers. Oh no, is Judge bad now? We wrote so much about him, though! I’m never praising anyone for a homer besides Giancarlo Stanton ever again.

Maybe it’s not that Judge is bad. Maybe we just jinxed him. Is that better or worse? I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m personally responsible for ending two Dodgers win streaks this year simply by writing about them, and I’ve praised plenty of pitchers who then saw themselves get shelled right after. I stopped buying player T-shirts because the careers of everyone I had one for spiraled out of control almost immediately afterward ... is it me? Am I doing this?

If so, I definitely shouldn’t write about Hoskins and how impressive his homers and offensive profile are, right? What if he stops going yard with regularity and no longer is a central piece of the Phillies’ rebuild and then they’ll never be able to return to the top of the NL East or the postseason picture because they just don’t have the offensive firepower to contend with the teams who have players too established to see their careers derailed by my thoughts or words? Do you know how angry their fans would be with me for that? I can’t have that in my life. Not because Phillies fans are awful people, but because I actually like quite a few of them and don’t want to be expelled from their circle.

Plus, if Hoskins stops hitting, they might try to talk to me about the Eagles.

Hoskins is fine and all, but he’s not worth all that. Don’t be mad at me, OK? I’m just trying to make sure he keeps hitting dingers however I can.