Bryce Harper changed his hairstyle on Tuesday, to the shock of many. It’s not just any new hairstyle, it’s a travesty and a direct insult to the glory of his hair.
This could affect his play in innumerable ways, most directly by altering his aerodynamics and just being all around poor decision-making. How can you trust him to make good decisions on the field when this is happening off of it?
Not to mention the detriment this could have to his on-field swagger. That’s also very important, of course.
Just look at this. It’s SO BAD.
This is clearly a side effect of Harper not having enough to do in his free time now that he’s injured for the foreseeable future.
Being out of commission for weeks on end has to be hard for any professional athlete used to having the routine and grind of a season to focus on, but this is a step too far. He’s crossed the line. Couldn’t he have taken a knitting class or focused on woodworking or something besides doing this to his beautiful hair?
This is a rough loss for the baseball community, but fortunately we used a private jet to visit the barbershop where it happened within only a few minutes and found a letter Bryce left behind that might help everyone work through it. It reads:
Dear Glorious Hair,
I am sorry I am about to do this. I know this will be harder for you than it is for me, but it’s just something I have to do right now.
It’s not you, it’s me. I’m so bored with this injury I’m just looking for something to break me out of my funk. Mario Kart and trying to sync Dark Side of the Moon to The Wizard of Oz again isn’t cutting it this week.
So that brings us here, to a barber shop where you will meet your fate. For now. One day we will meet each other again and we will both be whole once more. I’ll have a working leg and you will once again be blond and beautiful and flowing free.
Everyone will miss your magnificent ability to flutter in the breeze and flare under my helmet when I run the bases. Not to mention the way you have a life of your own whenever I flip you back and forth or make a sliding catch in the outfield and lose my hat.
I just wanted to say I’m sorry, that I’ll get through this funk and let you flow freely once again. Right now, I just have to do this. I hope this letter helps you understand.
Wow. Heavy stuff.
To lighten things up a bit, the internet also freaked out about the sudden and drastic change.
Someone warn Jodie Foster pic.twitter.com/Xo7KaJqGNd— Angie Treasure (@snark_tank) September 5, 2017
Bryce: "Remember Bronson Arroyo?"— 3030 (@jose3030) September 5, 2017
Barber: "Say No More" pic.twitter.com/G7g4bchA36
maybe Bryce coming to the Yankees and having to cut his hair is actually a good thing. https://t.co/ppoGyixojC— Sung Min Kim (@sung_minkim) September 5, 2017
Just saw Bryce Harper's new hairstyle pic.twitter.com/A9u1jttAMq— Justin Fenton (@justin_fenton) September 6, 2017
How Bryce Harper got better braids than RGIII tho— Run the Fools (@Natural_OneDurr) September 6, 2017
Rob Manfred: there has been a serious decline in the percentage of black MLB players— (@SteeloCity) September 5, 2017
Bryce Harper: say no more fam pic.twitter.com/5mfCyoL9AN
So fellas what number is Bryce Harper's hairstyle on the chart? Also, who's gonna send him some Blue Magic for his scalp? pic.twitter.com/ZCpz5VggoY— Jemele Hill (@jemelehill) September 5, 2017
We’ll get through this together. But seriously, someone find Harper a hobby or something so he doesn’t do something even crazier.