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Are the Rockies’ coffee orders too fancy for baseball? An extremely serious investigation.

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The conversation has to be had.

During their trip to Chicago to face the Cubs, the Rockies took part in a tried and true tradition of having the rookies go get coffee for the team when they play a day game after a night game. Noel Cuevas, Daniel Castro, and Harrison Musgrave did the honors this year for Colorado, with Cuevas in full uniform.

It’s a fun tradition and a far better way to do rookie hazing than to have them dress up as women, etc. Cuevas had a whole cart full of orders to bring back to Wrigley and it looked like he didn’t spill a single drink on the way back. That’s a five tool coffee delivery right there.

The delivery itself isn’t what we’re here to analyze though, the order is. It looks like there’s a lot of whipped cream on that cart ... so let’s take a glance at part of the massive order Cuevas was in charge of for his team.

A nitro cold brew instead of just ordering an iced coffee? A venti caramel iced coffee? MULTIPLE caramel frappuccinos? Guys. What is this.

This is baseball. These aren’t baseball drinks.

Real baseball men drink black coffee only, hot with no milk. DON’T EVEN THINK OF MILK WHILE YOU ARE DRINKING IT — THAT IS WEAK. The more you scald your mouth the more hits you’ll have.

Day games mean the dip goes directly into the coffee to add some extra oomph. That’s how baseball men hit home runs that go very far. So far they hit the coffee shop and destroy the frappuccino machine so it can’t hurt anyone else.

Whipped cream? Whipped cream is for the bat boys only. Real baseball men only think of whipping and cream when they’re whipping the other team in a doubleheader or creaming the ball for a walk-off grand slam.

In 1904, the Boston Beaneaters benched their star shortstop for six games because they found out his wife worked for a creamery and they were worried even the association with cream would doom them. That’s a true story. Look it up.

Two pumps of vanilla in once iced coffee? Unless those are pumps in the weight room, the baseball men don’t want to hear about it. Lattes? No lattes in the clubhouse, it looks too close to the word “late” and nobody is ever late in baseball. You’re benched for just thinking about being late so lattes are obviously bad luck.

Tell the rookies to add that to the superstition board.

Actually, just having coffee before the game is also bad luck. Throw it all out! Now! Outside of the park’s limits though. To be sure none of the bad luck actually spills out and infects the team and takes away the baseball strength everyone worked so hard for. And make sure the team isn’t sponsored by any coffee shops either!

In all seriousness, this coffee order is actually pretty varied and everyone’s choices are good. It looks like it helped the Rockies to an 11-2 victory and it’s making me want a frappuccino right now. Extra caramel drizzle on top and whipped cream. Now where’s a rookie who will go pick it up for me?