Gabe Kapler once ate 40 unbreaded Chicken McNuggets and should not be trusted

Listen, I read this and now you have to, too. This is a very real quote from Ryan Gorcey’s Mercury News profile on former MLB player and current San Francisco Giants manager Gabe Kapler.

Kapler credits a Moorpark nutrition class for teaching him the importance of eating right. When his team stopped at McDonald’s on the way back from a game at Cuesta College in San Luis Obispo, Kapler, having forgotten to pack his usual tuna-on-rye sandwich, peeled the skin off of all 40 of his Chicken McNuggets.

“I’m going, ‘Dude, that dude is real,’” said Briggs, who was in the same car. “He puts his money where his mouth is.”

“Gabe was serious about it, and I think it affected the players around him,” Porto said.

40 chicken McNuggets. Peeled down to nothing but pressed slurry. No mention of dipping sauce.

Never mind the fact Gorcey makes this exercise several times worse by referring to the breading as “skin” — as though these vague representations of chicken weren’t just a bunch of leftover parts blended down and stamped into one of four different shapes. Kapler took one look at the McDonald’s menu, saw nothing to his liking, and decided to ruin lunch for the rest of his teammates instead. He could have ordered a salad in this, the year of our lord 1995. Instead, he chose ritualistic chicken debriding.

There were no survivors.

The chain introduced the “Grilled Chicken Deluxe” sandwich one year later in 1996. This was because one intrepid employee in the state of California saw Kapler’s budding serial killer cosplay with his nuggets and promised to put a stop to it.*

Because the internet now solely exists as a place to push bad ideas onto others, Twins reporter Brandon Warne took up this challenge for himself.

It was gross!

Somehow, this “alien just trying to fit in” meal wasn’t even the only issue I have with the article.

Kapler played for 12 seasons in the majors fueled by nothing but those breadless nuggets and a warped understanding of humanity. Now he is manager of the San Francisco baseball Giants, because there is nothing Silicon Valley loves more than a bad idea and a grand stage.

*citation needed.