With Valentine's Day coming in a few we -- oh hell, it's tomorrow -- tomorrow, we thought it'd be worth taking a break from our weekly reminder that the Miami Heat are good and the Charlotte Bobcats are terrible to offer up our SBNation.com NBA Power Rankings: Lovability Edition.
Love is intensely personal feeling, of course, and no two humans value qualities in the same way. So this would look like a purely subjective exercise. But we have actually devised a scientific system to assess lovability. The formula, for you nerds who will check our work:
(Average retina size weighted by minutes * 2) + (average hair length weighted by height) + (high-fives per game) - (technical fouls) + (puppy dog tattoos) - (Grim Reaper tattoos) LOVABILITY QUOTIENT
Without further adieu ...
| Rank | Team |
|---|---|
| 1. | Sacramento Kings |
| Between Tyreke Evans singing "Tell Me Something Good" during a ref review on Thursday, DeMarcus Cousins' smirks, the camaraderie of Donte Greene and Jason Thompson, the presence of Jimmer Fredette and Isaiah Thomas' phenomenal swag, this club is gunning for the 1994 Orlando Magic's lovability record. | |
| 2. | Minnesota Timberwolves |
| The Pack would have been No. 1 if Kevin Love didn't go on a face-stomping spree. (Victim count: one.) Michael Beasley is the most lovable gunner without a conscience since Antoine Walker. He just needs a signature celebration like the Shimmy. Mocking the "Kobe System" doesn't count, unfortunately. | |
| 3. | Dallas Mavericks |
| We'd all be cool if Dirk Nowitzki spent the rest of the season doing color commentary instead of playing, right? | |
| 4. | Charlotte Bobcats |
| Lord this club is baaaad. But between Kemba Walker, Bismack Biyombo and the specter of a potential trade for Andray Blatche (!!!) ... my heart just can't take it. | |
| 5. | New Orleans Hornets |
| Holy heavens to the Hornets suck at basketball. And dropping Squeaky Johnson was a straight bulls--t maneuver from a Lovability standpoint. But Jarrett Jack and Emeka Okafor and Trevor Ariza? Their eyes are warmer than the planet Mercury. | |
| 6. | New York Knicks |
| All Jeremy Lin everything. And you just wait until Baron Davis gets back on the court in like 2014 or 2015. | |
| 7. | Golden State Warriors |
| We'll push them up the list once everyone else on the club gets a Stephen Curry style engagement photo. | |
| 8. | Oklahoma City Thunder |
| Coughing up late leads is decidedly not lovable. Helping the Kings win a big home game on national TV sure is sweet, though! | |
| 9. | Philadelphia 76ers |
| Reviving the spirit of Elton Brand, the greatest Duke product ever, is worth mad bonus points. Lou Williams giving a would-be armed robber a Big Mac takes it to another level. | |
| 10. | Boston Celtics |
| Kevin Garnett is like a storybook pro wrestling character: he turned completely face at the end of a long career as a heel. He stopped barking at opponents and comes off as endearing while hijacking post-game interviews. Add in moody but unselfish Rajon Rondo and heart-on-his-sleeve Paul Pierce, subtract that mess Big Baby Davis, and Boston is as lovable as Boston could ever be. | |
| 11. | Chicago Bulls |
| Don't you just want to wrap up Joakim Noah in a straightjacket? | |
| 12. | Denver Nuggets |
| The Nuggets are like a made-for-Hallmark-Channel movie. We desperately need J.R. Smith to go back (which will absolutely not happen). | |
| 13. | Toronto Raptors |
| Andrea Bargnani's injury has really hurt the club here. | |
| 14. | San Antonio Spurs |
| Tim Duncan and Gregg Popovich's wine dates with players can only do so much when the team's leading scorer and assist-maker slept with a teammate's wife a couple years ago. Sorry, y'all. | |
| 15. | Phoenix Suns |
| We're taking into account that Steve Nash will be traded for Iman Shumpert within the next five weeks. | |
| 16. | Indiana Pacers |
| The only things lovable about this team is Roy Hibbert's guest spot on Parks and Recreation and Frank Vogel's Kohl's wardrobe. | |
| 17. | Memphis Grizzlies |
| Tony Allen's face, mock red turtleneck, awful pick-up line nodding at Allen's defensive reputation: the Grizz' marketing department is brilliant. | |
| 18. | Portland Trail Blazers |
| It would be a much happier Valentine's Day potluck in Tualatin if Raymond Felton and Marcus Camby hadn't eaten all of the cupcakes. | |
| 19. | Houston Rockets |
| Throwing a ball at a female referee is not lovable, Kyle Lowry. But flirting with triple-doubles every night sure is. If we've learned nothing else from Chris Brown, it's that performance can make up for any level of bad behavior. Speaking of which ... | |
| 20. | Utah Jazz |
| Seth Rosenthal called Gordon Hayward a "blushing assassin" without irony on Monday. It was a big step for our civilization. | |
| 21. | Atlanta Hawks |
| Tracy McGrady, Josh Smith, Ivan Johnson and Vlad Radmanovic is pretty close to the formula for Coaches' Nightmare Fuel. | |
| 22. | L.A. Lakers |
| You wasn't with Metta World Peace shuffling in the ballroom dance studio. | |
| 23. | Cleveland Cavaliers |
| Kyrie Irving is pretty warm and fuzzy, but so long as Anderson Varejao and Antawn Jamison are playing prominent roles for this team, no one outside of Cleveland or Brazil can love them. | |
| 24. | Orlando Magic |
| We need more clips of Hedo Turkoglu eating pizza before a big game. | |
| 25. | Detroit Pistons |
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And now, our first entry that could double as an entry in legit Power Rankings: There's only so much that Greg Monroe can do. |
|
| 26. | Milwaukee Bucks |
| Brandon Jennings can go from lovable to The Worst faster than he can go baseline-to-baseline, which is considerably fast. | |
| 27. | New Jersey Nets |
| While our compadre Bomani Jones has a strong point about Kris Humphries, Lamar Odom and the evil embedded in the Kardashian women, there's no denying that the only thing that's made Hump look dumber than the short marriage itself is the littany of derp-faced clips from that Kardashian reality show they show every week on The Soup. It's almost as if he's mastered the art of falling asleep with his eyes open. | |
| 28. | L.A. Clippers |
| Donald Sterling's disgusting history of alleged sexual harassment. Chris Paul's low blow on Julius Hodges back in college. Reggie Evans' junk grab on Chris Kaman a few years back. DeAndre Jordan's nightly Bruce Banner impersonation. This is an angry club. Mo Williams' sensitivity can all repair so much damage! | |
| 29. | Miami Heat |
| Not even Phil Collins can save this self-absorbed mess of insecurity from itself. (Phil Collins does help make it more enjoyable to be around, though.) | |
| 30. | Washington Wizards |
| It's true: there is actually a team less liked than even the Miami Heat! Congratulations, D.C. You've created a monster. | |