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Dwyane Wade Never Played In The Myopia Game

Dwyane Wade wears glasses without lenses, and here's where we reverse the classic athlete's comeback to any question about their performance: what do you know about glasses, Dwyane Wade? Did you ever really play the myopia game, sir? Did you ever spend a blurry second fumbling for your glasses at your bedside, too blind to even see the alarm clock three feet away? No? Fine, sir. Take those glasses off. You clearly have no business wearing them in the first place.

The galling thing about Dwyane Wade's lensless specs is not its "tell" about the Heat's psyche, character, blah blah blah. Athletes have been wearing stupid things forever not because they are athletes, but because they are people. Wearing stupid things is an important part of human history, and thus a vital part of sports. (See: Namath, Joe Willie.) The Heat's play in the Eastern Conference Finals is enough to judge them on without resorting to sportswriters critiquing the fashion choices of young multimillionaires.

And let's just pause for a minute to think about this. It's not that sportswriters are horrendously dressed. Most wear pants and shirts in the right places, and even have shoes and sometimes belts to go with them. They can go outside and not be confused for homeless people, even well-dressed homeless people. A crew of Banana Republic clones at their best, sportswriters are not qualified to mention anything about fashion, ever.

The most distasteful thing about it? Wade is an ersatz myopic here. You want the geek clout of wearing glasses, son? Try missing a ball and having it knock out a tooth in gym class. Taste the sadness of trying to ever see anything when you're swimming. Enjoy being functionally blind in even a light rain, and heaven forbid you ever try to make out with another person with glasses. (The clanking noise will haunt your adolescent dreams.)

You're trying to get geek cred without paying the price, Dwyane Wade, and that's the most offensive part of all. It's faking it, like celebrating a championship before you ever won it and -- aw, hell, never mind this all makes sense now. Carry on, fake dork superstar. Forget we said any of this.