Over the span of my small time in this world I have come across what I would consider the Gospel I try to abide by. I do not fancy clear liquor because I’m not a poor 19-year-old. I do not buy Under Armour sneakers because no one should pay $100 for whatever cult-branded bullshit Steph Curry tries to sell. And I don’t fight dudes like Stephen Jackson. Lemme rephrase: I don’t even think about fighting dudes like Stephen Jackson.
The thing about dudes like Stephen Jackson is: there’s a countless amount of dudes like Stephen Jackson. There’s a reason they don’t make it to the NBA or fans are shocked when they appear there. Not because they’re not talented. Oh no, no, no, no, no. It’s because they’re too busy FUCKIN SOME SHIT UP to be bothered with shooting basketballs for a living. Basketball is Stephen Jackson’s side hustle. He’s playing in the goddamn Big 3 for Christ’s sake.
In the past few hours, which this always happens eventually, someone tried Stephen Jackson as if he was just the common whipping post. Please refer to the end of the first paragraph. I do not even think about trying to fight Stephen Jackson. Like, the thought never comes to my head “what would happen if somehow ...” NAH, FAMILY. Ain’t no somehow. Ain’t no bumping into dude. Nah. I don’t even try to think about how that would go down. Yet, inevitably, this always happens. And it took an idiot like Soon-To-Be-Washed-Ass-First-Round-Pick Andrew Wiggins to test this logic.
Behold, the good, humble, SB Nation folks have dubbed this “ButlerGate” because this is Jimmy Butler’s fault, and this is what occurred:
- Jimmy Butler demanded a trade (which, good)
- Andrew Wiggins’ brother tweeted “Hallelujah” upon knowing this news (which, bad)
Let’s just stop right there for a moment. THIS IS THE TYPE OF SHIT MEN LIKE STEPHEN JACKSON THRIVE OFF OF. HE WAS A MUHFUCKIN COMMENTATOR (THANKS, ESPN) ON BASKETBALL ONCE UPON A TIME. COMBINED WITH HIS RANGS AND HIS NEW “JOURNALISM” HAT, HE BELIEVES HE CAN COMMENT ON THIS SUBJECT. THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH TO NOT DO THIS. HIS DAGGUM WIKIPEDIA PAGE HAS A SUBSECTION THAT SAYS “PERSONAL LIFE AND REPUTATION” IS THIS REALLY THE MAN YOU WANT IT WITH?
Let’s get back to the “news”:
- Butler tells Wiggins’ party, in the most fake-tough guy voice: “keep that same energy”
- Stephen Jackson fired off on that ass, in a white durag, with the tail out, and told Andrew Wiggins he ain’t got no heart and that he was the Tin Man from that movie that wasn’t The OZ
Good morning NBA Twitter
— NBA (@TheNBASoul) September 20, 2018
Last night Stephen Jackson responded to A. Wiggins and his brother pic.twitter.com/MSUkeTHy2R
This is the moment where you are now entering a losing battle. Unprompted, Stephen Jackson said yeen got no heart and called you the Tin Man. Listen, ain’t no need to respond.
Andrew, I am coming to you as a man who has never taken an L in his life. ***thinks*** Well, look, breh, not one like this that is certainly non-negotiable. Walk away from this shit. Go home. Warm up a waffle. Think about why you can’t perform outta the Triple Threat. IDK man, watch To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before and think about how Stephen Jackson will snatch yo soul. Listen to some Lil Baby. Anything. This just isn’t for you.
Yet here comes Andrew Wiggins. The most puts-maple-syrup-on-his-cereal-ass dude in the NBA. With the audacity to disrespect one of basketball’s OGs. Woooooo lawd. I cannot.
Tell us how you really feel, Andrew Wiggins pic.twitter.com/wSsCJvtBN4
— Sports Illustrated (@SInow) September 20, 2018
The comedian Dave Chappelle once did a skit called, “When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong.” Which. Welp. Uh. Yeah, lemme just. You know what. Just watch this.
***takes long drag of cigarette***
Phewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww weeeeeeeeeeeee boiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Here’s a breakdown of what just transpired:
- After blowing out a stream of unknown smoke and taking a deep, disappointed breath Stephen Jackson called Andrew Wiggins “lil one”
- His white durag is still on
- His flap is still out
- He begins this tirade by complimenting him, twice (which, nope thassa L) and tells him to have a good year
- He says “I’m 40, thank God, I’m happy to see 40.” RIGHT THERE IS IF YOU DID NOT KNOW YOU ABSOLUTELY FUCKED UP. This wasn’t no prayed-up, first pew in the church on Sunday morning “Thank God, happy to see 40” shit. Nah, beloved. That was a I Done Seen Some Shit In My Day How The Fuck Am I Here I Coulda Been Dead 100 Times By Now “Thank God, happy to see 40” shit. This is about to be chaos
- “Bum? I never been that. YOU know that.” This man has a history he can reference. Someone call the Canadian Minister of Defense.
- “I’m from the old school, breh. I’m cut from the old law.” According to Genesis, Chapter 1, Verse 1 of the Killer’s Guide To Religion, that would be the “shoot first, ask questions later” law he is referring to
- Telling someone “Respek it o’ chek it” is the most Texas way to call somebody a whole bitch
- “Make Sho Yo Energy Straight When U C Me Breh” —> We done did enough talking
- “I’m pretty sure you know who I am”—> You know ima beat yo whole ass
- “Please don’t try to do that wit me, breh” ANDREW WIGGINS, DO NOT RESPOND. HE IS TRYING TO SAVE YOUR CAN’T-SHOOT-FOR-SHIT-FROM-THE PERIMETER-ASS LIFE. JUST TAKE IT AS A GIFT BREH. RUN.
- “Keep that same energy. I’ll catch you in traffic,” Stephen Jackson once (allegedly) shot at someone, mid-traffic, because some dude punched him outside of a strip club while Jamal Tinsley and Jimmie Hunter watched. This should tell you all you need to know. The result of swinging on him is gunfire. Why would you want it with this man?
All of the aforementioned information should be enough to let Andrew Wiggins, the nation of Canada, and any other people who even consider this as an action that makes sense that it does not. Stephen Jackson once made an album with DJ Scream, Maybach Music, and Scarface because he was bored. This ain’t that new Rick Ross losing weight, Meek Mill fake activist Mayback Music, either. This was that 2011, Maybe We Should Hire A Dude Named Gunplay, Maybach Music. Stephen Jackson mighta accidentally tripped over a brick trying to record.
So for the love of God. Do not fight Stephen Jackson. Do not ask Stephen Jackson his thoughts about fighting. And if Stephen Jackson says you a Tin Man Ass Dude Wit No Heart, then all I can tell you is to re-evaluate what brought a man of his legend to say that in the first place. But do not respond to Stephen Jackson. It is a trap for the inevitable. He will beat yo ass. He will beat yo family’s ass. And he will walk away like nothing happened while we all call you stupid because nobody wants it with Stephen Jackson.