If there is still such a thing as a charmed life, New Mexico head coach Mike Locksley is living it. How else to explain* him returning as the Lobos' coach in 2011?
After all, Locksley has, in the past two years:
- Been sued for sexual harassment, specifically for allegedly trying to hire a more attractive secretary to entice recruits
- Been suspended for punching an assistant coach
- Been involved in a dispute with a reporter in a bar
- Led the Lobos to a sterling 2-22 record
- Kept a job as a football coach at a real school, somehow
So when New Mexico's athletic director, Paul Krebs, says in a statement. "It's important during the current recruitment period that potential student-athletes know that Mike Locksley will be our coach in 2011," I can only assume that's because Locksley and New Mexico are planning to put together the worst season in the history of college football in 2011 and need willing and able bodies.
Here is how it will (not) go.
September 3rd, 2011: New Mexico loses to Nevada 52-3 to start the season. Locksley tells reporters, "We just need more fight."
September 17th, 2011: New Mexico loses to Texas Tech 7-0 on two safeties and a field goal. Red Raiders coach Tommy Tuberville calls the result "Really, really satisfying." Locksley does not speak to reporters after the game, and is later seen at the Lubbock airport with a cast on his foot.
September 20th, 2011: A article runs in the New Mexico with an anonymous quote from a player, who says, "Yeah, Coach got into a fight with a locker door. He lost."
September 24th, 2011: New Mexico loses to rival New Mexico State despite entering the fourth quarter with a 24-14 lead. New Mexico State goes 2-10 on the year.
October 15th, 2011: New Mexico travels to Boise State to play their new Mountain West Conference mates for the first time. The Lobos fall 84-7.
October 17th, 2011: Locksley bans the color blue from New Mexico's football facilities, then relents after a player points out that the.sky is blue.
November 6th, 2011: New Mexico announces it will fire Locksley after the season following a 63-17 loss at Utah and post-game comments to reporters bashing Mormons as being "worse than Ke$ha." Locksley tells a reporter, "You thought we were bad before? Wait until we start trying. To be bad, I mean."
November 12th, 2011: After a stirring first quarter in which the Lobos jump out to a 14-3 lead on Colorado State and a gunner on a punt return draws a penalty after going out of bounds and laying Locksley out, New Mexico falls to 0-10 on the season with a 41-21 loss.
November 26th, 2011: In TCU's final Mountain West game, the Horned Frogs beat New Mexico 108-6. Locksley tell a reporter that he is unaffected by the loss and his 2-34 record, because "the Zooker needs me in the UFL."
Yep, that seems about right.
*Okay, so it's probably mostly about New Mexico deciding it was too costly to fire him and hire a replacement. But this was way more fun than lamenting the fate of mid-tier schools with horrific coaches.