Sports Business Journal has published a list of gifts that football players will receive for participating in this year's bowl games. Some of them are pretty sweet. Beef O'Brady's players will all get an Xbox 360. Capital One Bowl players will get a $420 gift certificate to Best Buy. Some are a little more modest, like a pair of noise-canceling headphones, but they're still nice prizes.
Some, though, are just kind of odd. Beef O'Brady's Bowl players will also receive a miniature Beef O'Brady's football helmet, which is the sort of thing you'd expect them to give away to the first 10,000 fans through the gate or something. There are few things more awkward than dramatically under-shooting or over-shooting a gift, as demonstrated by this imagined series of emails between Louisville running back Bilal Powell and a Beef O'Brady's representative.
Hi, Bilal!
This is Sean from Beef O'Brady's. Just checking in to make sure that you received your bowl gift. It was a neat little helmet with the Beef O'Brady's logo on it.
Regards,
Sean Harper
Hello Bilal,
Sean from Beef O'Brady's checking in again. Did you get the bowl gift? It's this neat miniature football helmet. Thought you might think it's neat since you're a football player.
Also, I e-mailed your teammates, but I haven't heard back from them either. Could you let them know that Sean from Beef O'Brady's would like to know whether they like their miniature Beef O'Brady's helmets?
Regards.
Sean
Hi Sean,
Sorry for the late reply. Helmet is real neat. Thanks.
- Bilal Powell
Running back, University of Louisville
Hey Bilal!
Great to hear from you! I'm really glad you liked the helmet. Could you elaborate on what you think is the most neat thing about it?
Pals,
Sean
Sean,
Listen, man, I don't know. It's a pretty neat helmet, and I can't find fault with it, but... see, Microsoft gave us an Xbox 360. It's like, did you ever see Father of the Bride? Specifically, the scene in which Steve Martin's daughter gets a new car from the groom's family, but Steve Martin gets her a bread maker or whatever? And he feels all embarrassed and has to go hide it? Kind of reminds me of this.
It's like, why would I want a miniature football helmet? I'm a football player, I've already got more football s*** than I could possibly know what to do with. Like, is the idea that I put it up on my mantel and show it to guests? Like, "yes, I was presented with this because I played in the Beef O'Brady's bowl." I don't know where a Beef O'Brady's even is, and neither do my guests, so they think I'm telling some sort of sad elaborate lie.
What is Beef O'Brady's? Is it basically O'Charley's? Is it a Hardees/Carl's Jr. kind of deal?
- Bilal Powell
Running back, University of Louisville
Bilal,
I'm sorry that you do not like my gift. I just figured it would be a nice little gesture of appreciation, since we sponsored the bowl and everything, and you were swell enough to play in it. You played real hard out there.
And no, Beef O'Brady's is an establishment independent of O'Charley's, though we were indirectly associated with Chili's for a time. Beef O'Brady's is a chain of family-friendly restaurants that has shared great memories and great times with its customers since 1985!
I'd love to tell you more about Beef O'Brady's. Say, you want to keep up with us? You could join Team O'Brady's and get all the latest Beef O'Brady's news delivered straight to your inbox!
Sean,
hahahaha man f***in' I'm not gonna subscribe to a chain restaurant's newsletter. What the hell is all this? Are you being serious?
- Bilal Powell
Running back, University of Louisville
Mr. Powell,
I'm sorry. I feel terribly embarrassed. When I ordered all those neat little miniature football helmets for you guys, I just thought you guys would really like it. I guess I don't care that much if you don't like my restaurants. I sure do think you football players are great. I just wish a fella could give another fella a neat present without havin' to get his feelings hurt.
Mr. Harper
Sean,
No, I'm the one who should apologize. I found the gift strange and sort of awkward, but that's no reason to be crass and unappreciative. It's a perfectly nice helmet. I'm sorry.
Bilal
Mr. Powell,
This is Mr. Harper's supervisor. Mr. Harper no longer works here. Yesterday, after reading your e-mail, he sat at his desk and cried for a while. He tried to hide the fact that he was crying by sticking his face inside of his University of Louisville-themed lunch box, but we all pretty much figured out that he was crying. After a few minutes, he sniffled as he slowly collected a small number of items from his desk, including a miniature Beef O'Brady's helmet, a University of Louisville bobble-head, and a Lunchables Pizza. He got a handkerchief and tried to fold them all up into a bindle, but he did not know how to make a bindle, so he just carried them all in his arms, announced that he was "leaving town forever to go live in the forest," and trudged outside in the snow. The other day we saw him sitting at the tree line a few yards away from the interstate. You might be able to reach him there.
Join Team O'Brady's!
Harold Kingsford
Oh Lord, this is too depressing. I really can't take any more of this. Let's consider the matter closed.
- Bilal Powell
Running back, University of Louisville
Mr. Powell,
Also, his wife says that he had University of Louisville stuff all over the house before he left. She divorced him because he was too sad all the time because you did not like the miniature Beef O'Brady's helmet that he gave you.
Join Team O'Brady's!
Harold Kingsford
P.S. He spent his own money on materials to make the helmets with, and he hand-made all of them himself.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaghghghgh
- Bilal Powell
Running back, University of Louisville