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2011 BCS Championship Game: 43 Bold Predictions As Oregon And Auburn Prepare For National Title

Chip Kelly's offense will astound and amaze (don't bother trying to keep up), Cam Newton will pull off the first ever unassisted flea-flicker, the first team to score 50 points will (probably) win, and 40 other bold predictions from Spencer Hall for Monday night's BCS Championship Game. Cecil Newton has tickets if y'all need 'em.

1. Chip Kelly may curse live on air during on-field camera shots even with a tape delay. This is because Chip Kelly is so fast he actually lives seven seconds in the future, and commutes daily from there to be with us mortals.

2. Nick Fairley won't cause any injuries. He might kill someone, but that's completely different. 

3. Brent Musburger will just come out and start pimping for in the third quarter without his producers' permission. When asked to defend himself, he'll say, "A brother's gotta get some extra scratch somewhere, pal."

4. Gene Chizik will wear his leather jacket while roaring along the sidelines on a crotch rocket as Cam Newton takes off on a touchdown run. In his mind, it will look exactly like this. This fantasy will be interrupted when he runs into Nick Fairley and is pronounced dead on impact.

5. Oregon fans will attempt to shower Cam Newton with fake money just like Alabama fans did in the Iron Bowl. History would show that this is a great idea, guys!

6. Cecil Newton totally has tickets for sale if y'all need them. He'll also be selling autographed Cam Newton memorabilia from his trunk in the parking lot at Glendale ok thx God bless. 

7. Eltoro Freeman will be disqualified before the game when his name is discovered to be false, and thus not in compliance for the "Bobby Lowder Special Football Scholarship For Guys Named 'The Bull' In A Foreign Language."

8. Ted Roof has a unique legacy as both a defensive coordinator and as the inspiration for Rock Master Scott's "The Roof Is On Fire." "The Roof" refers to his defenses, especially the secondaries. 

9. Oregon's Darron Thomas is Dennis Dixon playing under an assumed name. Don't tell anyone, since he's really, really important to Chip Kelly's gameplan and stuff. 

10. At least one of Auburn's boosters may have to have permission from federal law enforcement authorities to attend the game. No, really. That is not a joke.

11. Jeremiah Masoli will watch this game. In between quarters, he will walk to the bathroom mirror and punch himself in the balls as hard as he can. Then, he will watch the next quarter and repeat. 

12. Gene Chizik was 5-19 at Iowa State, and is currently 21-5 at Auburn. His successor at Iowa State, Paul Rhoads, is 12-13, clearly indicating that at a good school Paul Rhoads is prepared to go 48-4 at some lucky school not named Iowa State. (Via the Iowa State Win/Loss Conversion Formula, which is completely legitimate science.*) 

*It's not.

13. Oregon's Phil Knight is not, as many accuse him, the slient owner of the Oregon Ducks franchise. Owners pay their players.

14. TCU will watch this game in full pads from the sidelines in case one team decides to tag out in event of a blowout. Gary Patterson thinks that kind of preparation is important, you know.

15. The sponsor for the game is the University of Phoenix, the online university whose football program doesn't exist. When it does, though, they'll still have higher academic standards than Auburn.

16. LOCK OF THE GAME: the first team to fifty points has the edge here. This should happen sometime late in the second quarter.

17. With both teams running pure college offenses out of the shotgun, look for NFL scouts to comment on the game by turning red, wincing and then exploding in a red mist on the third zone read of the game.

18. You think Gene Chizik doesn't do bicep curls and nod in the mirror at himself at the gym in a neon tank top? Because he totally does.

19. Darron Thomas, Oregon QB, said Nick Fairley deserves his reputation as a dirty player. Nick Fairley himself will say this during the BCS Title game, but while using Thomas' severed head as puppet.

20. A neutron star is so dense a mere teaspoon of it would weigh 5.5 x 10 to the 12th power kilograms. LaMichael James was raised on this material and likes to eat it sprinkled with protein powder, explaining his unique and disproportionate size-to-punch ratio.

21. LaMichael James is so dense Darron Thomas is not his quarterback, but is in fact a moon in a loose orbit around him.

22. LaMichael James is so compact he fits conveniently in overhead baggage compartments. He cannot fly, however, since no plane is powerful enough to lift his infinitely dense body.

23. A Fox producer, watching ESPN cover the game, will throw his cocktail glass through the television with anger thinking of all of the quality marching band reaction shots they could be showing instead of the game.

24. A Univision producer, watching ESPN cover the game, will bemoan the lack of dancers in hot pants and talking football puppets, and he's damn right, you know.

25. The Auburn eagle will be released in the stadium. Craig James, in attendance as spectator, will shoot it, and then claim it was about to attack a member of his family though the bird was several hundred feet in the sky at the time. In response, ESPN will suspend Ron Franklin.

26. Cameron Newton's most impressive reception will be a 64-yard flea-flicker where only he touches the ball at all three positions involved.

27. Cecil Newton will be in attendance, unless he can sell his tickets for four grand (which, if he can, you best believe he is going to do.)

28. Chip Kelly's entire media day press conference will be delivered in Flash. Please make sure you have downloaded the latest version of Flash before attempting to interact with Coach Kelly.

29. Brent Musburger's call is going to get really emotional and desperate if the two teams don't hit the over for the first half, if ya know what I mean.

30. The postgame celebration will be conducted as it traditionally is on the Gameday set. Lee Corso, seeing men in helmets storm the set, will start firing a rusty musket he keeps behind the desk. When three players are sent to the hospital for gunshot wounds, Corso will explain his actions by claiming he believed they were Emperor Maximillian's men coming to take back New Mexico, and that he regrets nothing.

31. Tostitos will pat themselves on the back, and thank their stars for the day they changed the name of their product from "Ted's Disc Shaped Hog Fodder" to the current brand name.

32. Jeff Maehl will sigh, look at the reporter, and then say the phrase that's haunted him his entire life. "It's Maehl, like 'male.' M-A-E-H-L." Then he will sigh again.

33. Puddles and Aubie will be detained by Arizona police and will be unable to provide ID. Deported, they will cross the Mexican border and instantly enter the bloodiest buddy comedy ever filmed. When they return to the United States, they will be changed men and speak of this rarely. At the Capital One Mascot challenge, they will split the championship by killing the competition, and then silently walking away into the sunset. <----THIS ENTRY SUBMITTED BY CORMAC MCCARTHY.  All The Pretty Mascots will be directed by Billy Bob Thornton, and will appear in theaters this fall. 

34. Nick Fairley will be credited with three sacks from the bench when his mere stare horrifies Darron Thomas into collapsing into a fetal position on the ground.

35. Spencer Paysinger will announce after the game that he will finally turn pro as the name of an accounting firm. 

36. A long Auburn TD will be greeted with "Oh, there's that SEC speed!" A similar TD for Oregon will be blamed on a blown coverage.

37. This will be Gene Chizik's facial expression if Auburn wins the BCS Title Game:


38. This will be Gene Chizik's expression if Auburn loses the BCS Title Game:


39. Chip Kelly will announce that Oregon will sell copies of the mysterious Ducks play cards for use in the Oregon football home game. They will be recalled when twelve children are sent to the hospital for heart palpitations after actually trying to run the Oregon offense at full speed. 

40. If Auburn wins, Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany will issue a letter of congratulations "From the Big Ten on both your victory over Oregon and the scourges of hookworm and illiteracy. Well, maybe more the former than the latter, actually."

41. If Oregon wins, Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany will issue a letter of congratulations "From the Big Ten to you on your consolation prize of the BCS Title Game, though I'm sure you'll get to go to the Granddaddy of them all next year ROSE BOWL RULZ!" Then he will roll in a pile of money for several minutes on camera while giggling.

42. You will be so stoked to not watch this game in ESPN 3-D.

43. Former Duck LeGarrette Blount will watch this entire game on his phone in a tiny, cold spot in a walk-in freezer at a liquor store in Boise, Idaho, just waiting for the right moment to spring forward and punch an unsuspecting Byron Hout  in the face (again) as he casually reaches for a six-pack for the evening.