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Iowa Running Backs: Leaving It, Not Loving It

The Iowa Hawkeyes keep running backs the way Michigan keeps corners, and have lost approximately thirty-nine RBs this season to various combinations of injury, arrest, and mysterious transfer. With the already-sealed departure of Jewel Hampton, the dismissal of Adam Robinson, and the now-confirmed transfer of Brandon Wegher to Oklahoma, the heir apparent to the black-and-gold backfield is rising sophomore Marcus Coker, he of second-leading rusher status for 2010 despite having played in only seven games. His last, the Insight Bowl, served as his coming-out party: Coker had run above 90 yards only once in 2010 heading into the postseason, and that total came against Indiana, but a 33-carries performance for 219 yards on a neutral field set the stage for a promising few years.

Clearly, he must be stopped.

Kirk Ferentz has a sovereign duty to abolish the tailback position once and for all. To accelerate the process, we've compiled this helpful list* of tactics to employ to send young Coker packing:

• Staph infection (we hear those are popular!)
• Immigration issue (Coker? Sounds French!)
• Enlist him as door personnel for a teammate's nebulous home-based business (too soon?)
• Make locker room a secret clubhouse, paste RUNNING BACKZ KEEP OUTZ sign on door
• Send candygram. Inside is a bomb. Iowa running back only pawn in game of life.
• Hire Mike Leach as offensive coordinator

*Paid for by the Committee To See Iowa Football Run A Nine-Wideout Offense In 2011: Because Real America Is All About The Bomb.