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This Week In Schadenfreude: Deep In The Id Of Texas

Texas would like to insert things in Mack Brown's diverse cavities. Everyone's coach is Ron Zook, except Ron Zook is 6-0. A Kansas fan has hope. An Arizona fan notes the presence of attractive and adventurous females on his chosen campus. A Florida fan has a Real Good Time. Da'Rick Rogers does not.

Texas entered the Cotton Bowl with a new coaching staff, new quarterbacks, and a shiny zero in the loss column. They left it in a bodybag. Texas fans did the logical thing by getting drunk and posting regrettable things on the internet*:

Seriously, I’m a 34-year-old dude that runs computer calculations and I can throw a deep out as well as one of the University of BY GOD Texas’ top two quarterback choices. Wow. I might jump before the dude that is eternally close to jumping.

… I’m a math guy. A computer guy. A Texas alum. A geek. But even I have some emotion. Some understanding of this rivalry. But seriously, Mack, stick this straight up your ass. [ed: Mack to Stoops: "I hope you win it all."] Go back to Cookeville, Tennessee with your well wishes for a Sooner and literally stick them up your ass. Seriously. F---.

In the cold light of morning Texas fans are telling themselves that a total program rebuild like the one just undertaken does not happen overnight. This column is not about the cold light of morning.

2xHorn said:

October 8th, 2011 at 11:59 pm

I dont say this too often, but in the spirit of this post and thread and the interest of catharsis: F--- YOU MACK.

It's more about the raging id, you see. (2xHorn wins Scott Tenorman of the Week.)

Zzzizzzy said:

October 9th, 2011 at 12:10 am

Stoops always looks like he honestly believes he could singlehandedly disembowel the entire Texas coaching staff if he needed too. Mack gets excited when a call goes against him, but generally looks like he is squeezing it off until the next bathroom break.

I’m mad as Hell too. Stoops doesn’t suffer from the testosterone and swagger deprivation that Mack exhibits. Neither does Nick Saban, Les Miles, Patterson, Peterson, Coach Boom, etc., etc. A team’s attitude can be traced directly back to the head coach’s. The play today reflected Mack Brown’s disheveled empty Sideline stupor.

It's not because the author and its readers are better than these people, it's because we kind of are these people.

Catfish Jackson said:

October 9th, 2011 at 3:43 am

Getting blown out by OU simply. is. not. acceptable. ever. We aren’t Ball State or FAU. We’re Texas, and getting smoked by 38 points or more 3 times in 11 years is BULLSHIT. It drives me crazy when people call us soft, because, deep down, I feel like they could be right. If someone can give me a simple explanation as to why we never beat the piss out of OU (in 2005, knowing what we know now, we should have beaten them by 60 pts), maybe I can feel a little better.

Actually, no I won’t.

Most of the time we have better impulse control, but eh… sometimes you get into big internet fights that other people find hilarious. These disappear into the ether when they should be preserved for posterity so we can commemorate the terrible things we thought in our dark moments, and laugh at the bastards currently experiencing them.

Texas: you have earned the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness. The rest of the week in spleen follows.

*[Something a few other fanbases could stand to learn. I'm looking at you, Virginia Tech. Your reasonableness sickens and appalls.]


Florida State is a close runner-up in the race for the Tears after losing to Wake Forest to continue one of the most remarkable current streaks in college football:

It was the 'Noles' seventh straight loss as a ranked team against an unranked road underdog dating back to 2005.

Adding insult to injury, a five-star defensive end decommitted from Florida State in the aftermath and is reportedly favoring Oklahoma. This screws up not only the Jimbo Fisher success trajectory but another, less favorable one:

If Jimbo is going to be the Ron Zook of FSU, it would be helpful to keep these kids.

Tomahawk Nation's Bud Elliott is kidding… "for now."

That site's game recap thread has a stunning 1,600 comments, which are all sure to be understanding:

We’ve gone from no playbook on defense, to an offensive playbook that by all appearances requires a PhD to master.

by 38Noles on Oct 8, 2011 2:47 PM PDT

Here's the good news…

We can stop worrying about where we’re going to find room to put a statue of Jimbo.

by MikeWas on Oct 8, 2011 9:13 PM PDT

I actually heard Jimbo and Zook compared today and I actually had to think about it before I defended JF.

by FloridaStateJay on Oct 8, 2011 3:24 PM PDT

I hope that defense was "at least he has never publicly admitted to not knowing the score."

And then there's This Guy Of The Week:

The worst thing about it, I live in Daytona, right in the middle of Gayturd nation, I post and fight with these turds year round on the orlando sentinel blogs, now I have no defense against them, WE ARE GARBAGE

by Sparks John on Oct 8, 2011 2:39 PM PDT

It's hard out there for a troll.

Over at Boston College's Fire Spaz vigil: Spazdayjob_medium

That is all.

Big East

Card Chronicle gets the headline of the week in after Louisville goes down to North Carolina:

The Future Is So Bright, You Can't Stand To Watch The Present

This sets up the Exchange of the Week:

Chick-Stratino'sUrDaddy: Defense played their BAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLZZZZZZZZ off

Cards78: Maybe they should have given them to the offensive line.

It's the BAAAAAAALLLLLZZZZZ that makes it. A close second:

raylomas: Hey!!!!! At least we beat the f@@king Kants!!!!

NotSoGreen: =(

The Big East not being good at football is a categorical imperative.

Big 12

Kansas manages to find new ways to redefine awful. Jayhawk fans only wish this was accurate:


There's actually a weird brand of Stockholm Syndrome going on on the KU boards, with several chipper folks envisioning wins later in the year because of things like this:

GT is a legit team and we hung with them for a half.

Georgia Tech put up 768 yards! Kansas fans must be the most tolerant in the country. This does not stop plenty of bombs from being thrown, though, because there's a difference between "tolerant" and "unable to comprehend visual stimulation."

Some of them, they have eyes:

There are times when though losing, you can tell that something good "is building".
He is the most incompetent, over-his head, ill-prepared head coach I can remember.
Do you know...
He was never even a coordinator prior to going to Buffalo.
And what, he had one winning season at Buffalo?

They don't like hugging!

We need some new Jimmies and Joes on the STAFF!

Starting at the very TOP. Gill is so f---ing clueless. You can't coach using Amway presentations and Power Point. A few slaps across the helment and fat fingers poking kids in the chest tends to get more results than a 1,000 trips to Dave & Busters.

And not a TWIS can go by without Let's Hire Jim Tressel:

We could probably get Tressel and he wouldn't have to worry about us selling our championship rings.

McHawk Wins the Internet for slamming both his team and Tressel in one deft sentence.

Big Ten

If it seems like an especially schadenfreude-laden season in the league, it is. Everyone other than Wisconsin is shaky or worse and boy do Big Ten teams know how to blow enormous leads.

Ohio State did well to acquire an enormous lead after the nation proclaimed their offense dead and buried at halftime of the Michigan State game. They scored 27 points! In little more than a half, not a month! They were up 21 points! Then Braxton Miller got hurt. : (


: (


  : (

Simply put, I've seen videos of nerf balls coming out of women's special spots thrown nicer and more accurately than a Bauserman pass.

CANNOT UN-THINK. And afterwards Urban Meyer had to get another new phone. (HTs: Eleven Warriors, (the poster), and bwgrudt1484.)

Elsewhere in the league, Iowa fans have to suck it up after former PSU LB Glenn Carson declared them a wrestling school, which is kind of a ludicrous thing to accuse a program that's owned your for a decade of being. They must accept it, though, because Angry Iowa Running Back Hating God is listening to Mad Money and mad diversifying into mad other commodities that make Iowa fans mad:

Good God...

Even Gravity and Physics abandoned is today…

by Roosevelt on Oct 8, 2011 3:41 PM PDT

That is in reference to this:


 Which was a long PSU completion intended for the tackled guy that was thrown off the referee's leg into the waiting hands of another guy. God does not like you, Iowa. Your coaching staff might deserve it for its unrepentantly puntasaur ways:

I [ed: probably "they"] might have one of the worst coaching staffs in the conference. Bad tackling, bad positioning, bad, bad, bad. Quitting with 2 minutes left in the half and punting from PSU’s 35 yard line were bad enough. Iowa is not a good football team. They have talent, but what they put out today was abysmal.

by Lycurgus on Oct 8, 2011 4:32 PM PDT up

That guy has a signature quote about algorithms. Listen to this man.

Minnesota doom quote of the week:

The fact that he said if MN was a good job it would have been taken already…well part of a crappy job is the pay and atmosphere from the boss. You dont need a PhD to figure that out. And the insult is also this…look at the other side of the coin kill-aiders. If Kill was such a great coach he would have been coaching at a much better place than pigs-knuckle Illinois. The fact that not one other top college would look at his ass should also be a sign.

So im not predicting doom, Im watching it in live action. The problem with the MN program is the apologists and the flake fans that support that kind of crap.

by DallasGopher on Oct 9, 2011 3:28 PM PDT

The Gophers are currently on pace to be the worst Big Ten team since 1961.


There was not a lot that was unexpected in the league this weekend with three ranked opponents easily handling three of the not so good teams in the Pac-12; the weekly Dorrell-hunt from the UCLA fanbase is momentarily muted after the Bruins squeezed by Washington State.

But Arizona wasn't supposed to lose to winless and terrible Oregon State. In the aftermath, the internet possessed the spirit of Arizona's athletic director and trolled Mike Stoops with a questionable midseason firing. It is not so questionable to the internet:

Anyone who backs up Stoops, GET OFF THIS BOARD AND SITE


I hate these losers who would accept medicority. If you dont want stoops fired then you are a troll, secret ASU fan, or some dumb ass who enjoys working at Burger King, …

I went to the U of A when I was a junior and it took a 15 min walk on the Mall on a Friday at lunchtime to convince me to go to school there. We have really hot White chicks. TCU does not, Utah does not (they do but they are not slutty white chicks, Boise State does not, etc. We have a great college town where you are a guy like Nick Foles can be a God….

If you think differently, please leave and stop posting here. Stop being a douchebag loser. I want my football team to make a rose bowl before I die. …

Yours truly,
Mr. Optimistic

I excised like 2/3rds of that Rant of the Year candidate.


Florida was a narrow runner-up to Texas but their bludgeoning at the hands of a national title contender was not quite so thorough and their balloon had already been punctured by a similar loss to Alabama. It's time for a stiff upper lip:

Never Forget !!!!!!!!!!

We will arise from the ashes like a phoenix in burning jorts.

We will someday tear through the SEC like Saban does through his over-signs in the summer.

We shall succeed in running a 150lb back betwixt the tackles!

We will someday dominate the SEC like Richt dominates his household, biblically.

This guy… not sure if serious… also not sure if driven insane by Pitbull Dr. Pepper commercial:

I had fun!!!!! Did y'all have fun watching this awesome game!!!! I sure did!!!!

It's time for a one of a kind stiff upper lip.

Tennessee fans went from patient to not patient over the weekend, with orange-pants-clad Derek Dooley coming in for the withering scorn that you can only acquire after your mother has publicly defended you. A volfan30 reports on the mood of Knoxville sports talk radio:

"A failed attorney going through a mid-life crisis" 


"A mama's boy who couldn't coach his way out of a wet paper bag."
"A WAC loser living off his daddy's name."
"The Buzz Peterson of football."
"A poor man's Mike Shula."
"Ron Zook without the recruiting ability"
"He's got cute pants, but no chance."


Next up for the Vols: four top 15 opponents in five weeks their starting QB. Fire up the hot seat meme.

Later in that thread Supravol22 provides the Deep Internet Thought of The Week:

It's always the stupid part of our fanbase that is the most vocal.

You and 118 other fanbases. (Eastern Michigan, having no fans, is exempt.)

Volunteer players are now getting emo on twitter, BTW:

: (

NEXT WEEK: Someone in the State of Michigan is going to be seriously pissed off you guys, Tennessee has a real good time against LSU, Texas may give up another 50 to Oklahoma State, Ohio State may score –50 against Illinois, and… oh holy God, Oklahoma plays Kansas.