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This was inevitable. After a half-season in which teams I hate featured above the fold multiple times, it was cosmically assured that Michigan would lay an egg so grandiose it would turn me into Mike Valenti ranting about Hurricane Katrina.
This was last weekend. Michigan passed 41 times and ran 26 — and that doesn't count a few scrambles that push the passing rate near 70 percent — in a howling tornado of plastic baggies. Quarterback: Denard Robinson. Snap counts: endlessly predictable because the play never got in on time. Result: fourth straight loss to Michigan State. If Michigan State was a South American country it would be Peru, and Michigan has lost to them four straight times.
I was kind of mad, you guys:
There is no way to put this without getting an email from some guy concerned about his eleven year old without resorting to Bloom County methods. That was the dumbest goddamned $%&*^-*$#*ing #&!$brained dip*&%$ mother*(%$ing horse_+$# goat-&^%t &%$*y-infested $%^&stick playcalling I have ever &*$ing seen in my life. I see you, Valenti. I get it now. I get it.
Post was titled "Lizard Brain Tornado Apocalypse Derp Derp Derp." Kind of mad. I'm probably Scott Tenorman this week but I have to recuse myself from giving myself an award that comes with such prestige.
Elsewhere in the Michigan blogosphere, it's pretty much the same:
I vote we change the definition of insanity from "doing the same thing and expecting different results" to "running all vertical passing routes and five to seven step quarterback drops against six or more pass rushers in a howling windstorm." Specificity, man.
On the message boards, all words other than "Gholston," "thug," and "suspension" have been banned until the Purdue game. WE MAD:
This article from a local Lansing news station provides further proof that these players are being coached up to act like animals.
"That's what we try to do is 60 minutes of unneccessary roughness," said defensive coach Pat Narduzzi, "just glad we didn't get called every snap."
This is what he said after being questioned why the players were called for so many penalties.
Us, as fans of Michigan need to realize there is a new culture down in East Lansing. Our "Little Brother" has turned into a raging psychopath. 2012 will be no different for their attitude heading into the game.
There is a ludicrous story going around that Taylor Lewan, the guy Gholston punched, was punched for calling him "Tom" because they called Gholston that on his official visit to Michigan, which caused Gholston to commit to State. This reminds me of when I used to watch David Letterman in high school. Laurence Fishburne was on. Dave asked him if he preferred "Laurence" or "Larry," Fishburne said "Laurence," Dave asked "what do you do to guys who call you Larry?" and Fishburne replied "shoot them in the head."
Michigan, you win the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness. The rest of the week in spleen…
ACC
After a half-season spent running up silly numbers and climbing into the top ten, Georgia Tech had big hopes. Virginia had a bye, though, and that's that. I have to tell one Winfield Featherston of From The Rumble Seat something, though:
The football life of a Tech fan is a unique one. We expect our hearts to be broken but at the first sight of success we build incredibly lofty expectations which, when not reached, our hearts are broken just as we predicted.
This does not make you unique. Like, at all. There are Michigan fans walking around with this guy's brain:
The idea that 7 or 8 wins is to be expected at this point depresses me. There are 5 games left. GT has 6 wins. That means GT goes 1-4 or 2-3 for the rest of the season. Toss in a bowl game loss and you’re looking at 1-5 or 2-4. I’m depressed. :(
Meanwhile, Mark Bradley narrowly misses a shot at featuring in a Newspaper Columnist Or Internet Troll showdown by calling Tech "fat and sassy," something that would fit well in Newspaper Columnist Or Stereotypical 50s-Era Depiction of Black Folk but marks the proclaimer to be a billion years old.
Big East
Louisville remains awful and the most important thing going on is the addition of a team in Idaho that will presumably preserve the league's automatic BCS qualifying spot, but Card Chronicle continues its streak of winning headlines:
Nails Hurt When Driven Directly Into Your Soul
Cardinal fans are moving on to basketball, but not before every last one of them replies to this question with "NO":
does anyone wonder if HCS could be the next Dave Wannstedt, in that we get great recruiting classes but can’t seem to get them to produce? I love HCS and I’m still behind this team but I was curious if that thought has crossed anyone else’s mind?
As for the rest of the league, it is not good. UConn won. Pitt lost, again, and its offense has now scored 10 points in the last two games. All you need to know about Pitt:
To me, the most interesting thing to watch for as PITT goes forward is if Graham is going to stick to his stated goal of getting his offense installed at all costs . This brings us to…
Mark Myers! The Cleveland Kid! The Scion of St. Ignatius! The Punter With the Golden Arm!
The howling is in high gear for the third string QB to get his shot and it certainly isn’t unfounded based on what we have seen from Sunseri and Anderson so far.
"The punter with the golden arm."
/tells season about the rabbits, shoots it in brain stem
Big Ten
Elsewhere in the Big Ten, nothing unexpected or rage-inducing happened that wasn't a Ron Zook punt. There were lots of those, many of them inexplicable, and a refusal to kick a field goal late down ten. Result for Illinois fans:
... and this is what it feels like to be an Illinois football fan
That is totally inaccurate. Illinois is bowl eligible. It takes some doing for Illinois to be 6-1 and bowl eligible and for this to make sense…
Make a Statement Mike Thomas
Fire this idiot right now and elevate Petrino
First he forgets the score and goes for 2, then he does this at the end of the game. He is not a smart man, this is not going to get better.
When you are getting called out by Bob Davie can it be any clearer than that
…but Zook manages it. Even so, some of the reactions are over the top:
today we witnessed the worst coaching event in the history of college football, be excited we got to see a piece of history
Zook's refusal to kick a FG is THE WORST coaching decision I've ever witnessed in my lifetime. I don't mean only at Illinois, or college football, but all sports, all time, by all coaches. Oh my.
Just a lousy game against a lousy team! Illinois didnt deserve to win this game after the way they played. Now they need to take care of Purdue who is not very good and none of this let down !!!!! I am smarter than Ron Zook and he is a moron! I think many of us have said this Steve Hull= !!!!
That wasn't even the worst decision in that game. Zook punted on fourth and four from the Ohio State 31 and didn't bother taking his timeouts in the fourth quarter. This man is richer than you will ever be.
Big Twelve
The league played to form this weekend, with the loud, angrified fanbases getting wins—the internet was saved from total annhilation by A&M's easy win over Baylor—with the exception of Texas losing to a very good Oklahoma State team. It was nowhere near as bad as the Longhorn's annihilation against the Sooners, though, and there's a lot of chatter about being "proud" as if Texas was a plucky underdog.
Moving on, let's check in with Texas Tech, now in possession of a 1-2 record after losing to Kansas State. Getting a little cranky about this whole Tuberville thing yet? Survey says…
Wasted away again in Tommy Tuberville
New version of an old song. I suggest we sing it after everytime Tech gives up a first down.
I'm not ready to give on him just yet, but I don't like where this is heading. … We might lose out folks and that is unexceptable.
Yeah, pretty much:
Tuberville on the chopping block
It's time to put tubystank's feet to the fire. He has embarrassed our program with two consecutive losses at home, which we should have won. He no longer deserves to be our head coach. His will to run the football when the game has changed has shown that he has become obsolete. …
I may get a forever ban, but there is no way in hell Tuberville could out coach, our previous regime. If this makes me a Leacher, so be it.
Elsewhere in that thread, Tech's loss to Iowa State last year is described as a "clownstomping," which I propose should be the official way to refer to any and all Iowa State victories. And here's Scott Tenorman of the Week:
Snyder takes Metamucilized Dump on Tubbs and his coaching staff!
Wow!!!!!!!! Totally outcoached by Barney and friends!!!!! I am really starting to believe Tubbs is a horrible game day coach. Tech just got gang r---d by a bunch of nobobodys!!!!!!!!! Great job Tubbs. This is starting to look like money well spent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you're filling the shoes of one of the most successful coaches in school history after he was publicly beheaded by Craig James, you best win. That guy deployed an average of 4.25 banging head emoticons in five posts in this thread.
And your Inadvertent Zen of the week:
It is more than sad, it's despicable.
What's even more despicable is the fact a little group will continue to run around chanting the virtues of our coaching staff, the fact our "cupboard is bare" and the favored party line "wait till next year". Maybe I'm not getting something, but isn't this year a next year? Yeah, thought so.
Whoah. Every year is a next year. Whoah.
Baylor fans have it tough. One: you mostly watch your team lose by 30. Two: you are a Baptist and therefore can't swear about this. That's bad enough, but can a brother go to church in Texas without getting harassed by yahoos?
I had to leave church early today!
My family and I attend a non-denominational bible church. It's in a rual community so as you can imagine a lot of Aggies attend our church! So, as to be expected a bunch of Aggies were wearing their A$M shirts and t-shirt. Some of them actually went to A$M and or have kids going there. But, a lot are just T-shirt fans!
The main reason I decided to leave was because one gentlemen was wearing a 12th Man jersey! He and his wife are in the same bible study group that my wife and I are in! He graduated from A$M, but he has never come across as an Agtard in the past. Until today! His wife told everybody in bible study class that the reason he wore his jersey was because A$M BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF BAYLOR! I held my tongue!
I decided I wasn't going to be able to a proper Christian while waiting for church service to start so I thought it was best that I just leave! Some Aggies just make it really hard to just go to church at times!
No, a brother cannot. A "whitetrash" Wins The Internet in response:
I hope you rent your garments in his direction before you left.
Pac-12
I can't watch Arizona State games without getting furious, and I've been in Arizona for about two days in my whole life. I can't imagine what it's like to actually give a damn about ASU and watch your coach punt on fourth and two with eight minutes left when you're down 14 points. Dennis Erickson does this game after game. Drives me nuts. What say you, pitchfork-toting fans of Tempe?
With 8 minutes left it was absolutely the right call. You people are nuts. It's not like we were at midfield.
Wait, what?
DE made the right call, and I think they were trying to rush the punt team out onto the field hoping Oregon's receiving team would run out onto the field, too, and be out of position when they tried to run that option punt, whatever that was. The problem wasn't that they weren't going to try to go for it- It was that they got cute, and Oregon was ready for it. And the delay of game.
ARGH
How is electing to give up 7 minutes of precious clock so that we have a chance to throw up 4 hail mary's with under 1 minute on the clock a reasonable call?
Because it just might have worked if everything panned out... I could spend my entire paycheck on lotto tickets and that might just work too... but if it doesn't I'm just the jackass who threw away his paycheck.
DE's just the jackass who threw away the clock.
THANK YOU
some serious idiots posting in this thread. you clowns really risk giving oregon the ball back on OUR 30 with the opportunity to go up by 17 or 21 with 8 minutes. virtually guarantees a loss.
wow.
ARGH. Nevermind, Arizona State fans deserve their coach.
WHY DONT WE BLITZ?!!?! and WHY IS ERICKSON SUCHA PUS!??!!!
Not ONCE did we change our defensive scheme, obviously Oregon was very comfortable. There was no blitzing no man coverage, our CB's are 10 yards off their defender.
Erickson has got to be the biggest PUS coach in the game. PUNT PUNT PUNT PUNT === LOSE LOSE LOSE LOSE
get some balls old man. and please hire a new defensive coordinator.
That's Arizona State. Here's complaining about obvious playcalls at Cal. It is even nerdier than you might expect:
MayBELL
Quiz: My initials are AGB, educated abroad, and I am credited with the invention of this in 1876.
what do I have in common with Zach Maynard?
I hate being one who criticizes from afar, and always want to support our players, but this is an obvious ’issue".
The answer is the "telegraph." Cal fans will go a long way for a Quiz Bowl joke about playcalling.
Cal, having roundly defeated all challengers for the dorkiest post of the week, also picks up Exchange of the Week:
Spazzy Mcgee: When we win next weekend this’ll all be mostly forgotten.
Avinash Kunnath: Until the next time we lose, when it’ll all be remembered again!
SEC
Obligatory coachrage screencap after Georgia actually won against Vandy:
via 30fps.mocksession.com via SBN Atlanta
That is an 0.9 Pelini.
Ole Miss fans are breaking out tried and true shoe-thrower gifs and posting images of the White House exploding in the aftermath of a debacle against Alabama. Houston Nutt's so fired, but even his firing is going to disappoint:
I would say something cliched like "if this doesn't get Houston Nutt fired, then nothing will" but even that's a waste of space. We all know he's fired. No, he won't resign this week, commit ritual seppuku, burn Pete Boone's house down clad in the new bear suit, or any other Sprivals-ish rumors you're hearing. He'll be fired or "resign" at the end of the season because, like his offense, his ousting will be both boring and predictable. Sorry to burst bubbles, y'all.
The gallows humor is in full swing:
Me And Paul: I think Oz would have been better to watch to get ready for that game.
Mexter Dccluster: Yeah, Oz has no problem addressing the whole sexual enslavement issues. Also, your mention of Oz reminded me of this.
Here's the Inadvisably Premature Taunting of the week:
I was yelling at the t.v. I ran outside and yelled "UPSET GOING DOWN RANDALL MACKEY BABY!!" at my Bama Fan neighbor across the street after we came out and jumped all ova them b----es real quick, then silence……………………My wife sat upstairs watching the Lifetime channel movie of the week instead as I sat in silence watching the Snuff Film that was the Ole Miss vs Alabma game.
This man also points out that the world is going to hell based on a news report of a man having sex with a "MALE German Shepherd." Getting arrested for relations with a female German Shepherd is just Tuesday in Mississippi.
NEXT WEEK: Texas Tech fans get even head-bangier after they take on Oklahoma. Nebraska takes on Minnesota as the Gophers quest to be the worst Big Ten team of all time. One volatile fanbase or another blows up in the aftermath of USC-Notre Dame. Tennessee is next to feel the steel boot of Alabama on their neck. And Clemson's gotta blow it sooner or later, right?