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This Week In Schadenfreude: Buckeye Walrus Apocalypse

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Jim Bollman: walrus or walrus sent from space to destroy Ohio State football? Boston College: desperately searching for Richard Gere. UConn: unfamiliar with this "foot-ball." Florida and Texas A&M fans: would rather talk about pooping, thanks.

"You mean the numbers go back to 1 if you get ten yards? WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED? Oh, right, because we couldn't get ten yards if you spotted us eleven. That's cool. I'll be over here chilling with my timeouts."
"You mean the numbers go back to 1 if you get ten yards? WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED? Oh, right, because we couldn't get ten yards if you spotted us eleven. That's cool. I'll be over here chilling with my timeouts."

There is enough Buckeyefreude to fill this entire space after whatever that was against Michigan State and three more after DeVier Posey, Boom Herron, and Marcus Hall were suspended for yet another isolated incident, but we have to keep it under control here. This column tries to be exceedingly fair. Let's just poke a little bit and move on, right? Let's not heap misery on our friends from Columbus.


It's time to play Disgruntled Blogger or Program Alum. Door A:

So that's what u get when your QB coach last played as a backup QB for Austintown Fitch---great guidance

Door B:

Nick Siciliano is the worst QB coach in history. I hope he gets fired.

Which is the unwashed mass living in his parents' basement, and which is the respected former player breaking kayfabe? TRICK QUESTION!

Door A:


Door B:

2006 Ohio State captain Doug Datish

Ohio State's quarterback situation has gotten so bad that Justin Zwick and an offensive lineman are taking magnificently public shots at it. (HT: Eleven Warriors.)

There is a, of which this is the entirety:

Fire Jim Bollman?
Are you NUTS?!?
Procure a DeLorean,
travel back in time 7 years,
and THEN fire Jim Bollman.

It's hard to disagree when Sean McDonough is vomiting up his liver early in the fourth quarter. Elsewhere, Bollman is compared to a walrus by Ramzy Nasrallah, the same guy who wrote an understanding (and excellent) profile of none other than Maurice Clarrett earlier in the year. Ramzy Nasrallah is a level-headed dude, or at least was. Twitter burst:

An actual walrus would be an improvement over Jim Bollman. It would cost less and be hilarious too.

Jim Bollman and random walrus called the same play there. OY OY OY OY (eat bucket of fish) OY OY (halftime)

11W Exclusive! Bollman's halftime comments: OY OY (pokes beach ball with nose) OY OY (squirts water at Siciliano, who bursts into tears) OY

One of a dozen candidates for inclusion from The O-Zone's running diary:

6:42 Bauserman scrambles and gets hit for it. The crowd cheers. I just saw a father and son hug, and the son said, "I love you, Dad. I hope Bauserman gets hit again." "So do I, Son. So do I."

And then there's yet another isolated incident, which has seemingly sent even Buckeye diehards over the edge. They're whipping up editorial cartoons that imply lack of institutional control, tweeting about lack of institutional control, and starting Fire Gene Smith blogs that list lack of institutional control as the #1 reason. At this point the only groups of people who doesn't perceive the events at OSU as systemic problem are Gene Smith's immediate family (not including the dog, which is wise to your game) and the NCAA.

Ohio State, you are again recipients of the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness. The rest of the week in spleen:

RELATED: Spencer Hall's Week 5 Alphabetical BlogPoll: LSU No. 1, Clemson Rising


You never know what the last straw is for a particular fanbase. Apparently for Boston College it's losing to a bunch of Baptists after losing to everyone else. Wake Forest 27, BC 19 was enough for both prominent Eagle blogs to title posts "Fire Frank Spaziani," with BC Interruption ready to throw aside common sense and everything else in pursuit of someone, anyone else:

Don't wait until the end of the season. Don't wait until it's a good time to do it publicly. Do it now. The man may have great intentions and he may be nice personally, but he was hired to run a college football team and he is failing to do that on all fronts. Today we all witnessed just a taste of how bad things are for this program. We lost to Wake Forest, just two weeks after getting embarrassed by Duke. Seriously. Repeat that to yourself.

This post sets up the Exchange of the Week:

SoaringToGlory: Never in my wildest dreams did I think we’d be flirting with a 2-win season.

CSOM_97: FLIRTING? We are whoring ourselves out on a cheap crack-infested strip in a bad part of Detroit on the off chance Richard Gere happens by with our second win

SoaringToGlory: Please tell me no gerbils will be harmed in the making of this football season. That would be the last straw.

For its part, Eagle In Atlanta asks an unanswerable question:

If Spaz is going 0-3 against Duke, Northwestern and Wake Forest at home, why are we even playing BCS-level football?

Elsewhere in the league, Virginia Tech took it in the shorts from Clemson but I can't find anything except reasonable, respectful discussions of what ails the Hokies. Boo, VT fans. Boo.

Big East

In the Big East, UConn may have made the BCS last year but that doesn't mean you'll find a Husky fan willing to admit that, or the existence of this "football" business:

I do not know what football is and no you will not be getting a recap

Two weeks until the first practice. Two weeks until the first practice. Two weeks until the first practice.

That is the aftermath of a loss to Western Michigan in an as-yet-undetermined sport. The aftermath of yielding 44 points to Pitt, as South Florida did:

OK, are we  one trying to look at the bright si e? Goo . Because that was an atrocious, atrocious performance tonight by the USF  efense.`

I see what you did there. And did we mention that Louisville lost to Marshall? Adding insult to injury:

1. [Your first half thoughts are about to begin. Thanks for watching ESPN3!]

2. [We are experiencing technical difficulties. Thanks for trying to watch ESPN3!]

3. [We are calling that one guy who single-handedly streamed exhibition basketball games from the Bahamas. Have you downloaded our ESPN3 iPhone app that only 28 people can actually utilize?]

It's like you're a disintegrating Big Ten, Big East.

Speaking of…

Big Ten

Minnesota is not good at football. They're not usually good at football but this year they are especially not so. It's to the point where it's breaking up families:


First game I ever went to we kicked a field goal then lost 63-3 to Michigan. This won’t be as good as that game. I ain’t looked my dad in the eye since either.

by jimipig on Oct 1, 2011 12:55 PM CDT

It's setting new records for giving up on your coach:

I'm officially done with Kill

He has done what Mason and Brewster could not do. … This is my last post regarding football until he is fired along with Maturi. See you all in 2014 or 2015.

When does hockey and basketball start?

by DallasGopher on Oct 1, 2011 2:16 PM CDT

Boom, DallasGopher: you've been Scott Tenorman'd.

Given the above this step isn't as drastic as it seems:

Jerry Kill has beaten cancer, is winning the battle against epilepsy, and has turned around morbid football programs at places like Emporia State, Southern Illinois, and Northern Illinois. He and his staff of fine coaches were brought in to do the same at the University of Minnesota, but after losing four of their first five games, the latest a 58-0 embarrassment to Michigan, he will not get the chance to turn around the Gophers. Not because he's been fired already, but because the University has essentially fired the football team, disbanding the program effective immediately.

Meanwhile, Northwestern's come-from-ahead loss against instate rival Illinois felt like a gentle massage from an Illini linebacker, and by that we mean thunderous testicle kneeing. Lake the Posts wins Dramatic Cupcake Headline of the Week:

Illini Crush ‘Cats Soul with 38-35 Win as NU Collapses; Persa Injured (Again)

In the comments fans are actually calling for the dismissal of Pat Fitzgerald, program hero and coach coveted by Michigan in the offseason.

Over at SBN's Sippin on Purple there's a man with internet memes at his finger tips.

And that's that

by Glopknar on Oct 1, 2011 1:54 PM CDT reply

That was before Illinois fumbled, Northwestern scored, and then Northwestern blew it. After:

Fourth quarter

by Glopknar on Oct 1, 2011 2:11 PM CDT reply

Finally, it's not often coaches worm their way in here but we're talking about Bo Pelini:

"I'm embarrassed by how we played defensively," said Nebraska coach Bo Pelini. "I apologize to the fans of Nebraska, because that was a joke."

Nebraska fans agree.


Big 12


Texas A&M blew it in the second half for the second straight week, causing Massive Emoticon Deployment:


Libertyag has figured out what's wrong:

I am going to volunteer my services to the coaching staff. Where we are going wrong is not getting a 30 or 40 point lead in the first half. Were we to do that, we could continue to go to sleep in the second half, and overcome poor coaching decisions, lack of conditioning, and hang on for a win. I fully expect to be compensated for my insight.

whomper cuts to the point:


never seems to be able to defend a lead, the tackling omg! PROFANITIES!!!!

And The Chicken Ranch asks a salient question:

What are you Nancys going to do next year when we are 5-7????

The Chicken Ranch
posted 10:32a, 10/03/11this user's public profilesend private message to useredit this replyobject to this reply

Cry? Wail like a school girl?

Nancy replies:

We're going to do what we've done every year since I've been an Aggie. We're going to talk about "next year."

But only one thing can help. The return of "Poop Slap Guy," who apparently showed up last year to make a "poopslap promise" that A&M would win out. They did. Unfortunately, these are the only mentions of poopslapping going on these days:


"If we go 9-3 or higher I will poop in my hand and post a video of it on youtube
I don't think we suck and have us going 8-4
but this is real
Bookmark it"

The entire Texas A&M fanbase gets This Guy Of The Week for creating this meme. Weirdos. They've also locked down Insane Coaching Suggestion of the Week:

What about going after someone like Jimmy Johnson. Isn't he from Victoria, it would be close to hid hometown

Jim Tressel is also suggested and praised as an "awesome hire."


UCLA got stomped by Stanford as everyone expected, causing Bruins Nation to be all just sayin' about Mike Leach praising UCLA as a quarterback mecca one post after invoking the dread double Ds:

When it mattered Bruins didn't get it done. We either killed ourselves with stupid mistakes, turnovers, and as usual pathetic conservative "playing not to lose" Donahue/Dorrellian and now Neuheisilian mindset.

And… um…

The defense perhaps looked "prepared" in Tresey and Neuheisel's imaginations. To rest of us they looked liked their usual vespa clowns.

Evidently this comes from Texas blogger Scipio Tex, who dubbed the Bruin D "like watching a clown riding a vespa through a car wash." Thus all references to the D refer to "vestpa clowns." #themoreyouknow

In fact, Neuheisel is now even lower than the dread double Ds:

Neuheisel is worse than Dorrell

No coaching staff in the history of any sport at any level has done less with more than Neuheisel and his enablers.

But it's not all doom and gloom:

On the good side

we apparently lost to Jesus in a football uniform.

by captainqtp on Oct 1, 2011 10:40 PM PDT


Florida's second straight bludgeoning at the hands of Alabama has caused some Florida fans to… actually, I don't even know what to do with this:


Yes, I've had a couple (working on second bottle of Stag's Leap 2007 Artemis), but the sentiment is heart felt and thus pure.

Of that I have no doubt. This is slightly more coherent if no less fond of exclamation points:

Thought I was watching!!!

A pee wee football game where the big kids drag the little kids up and down the field. ,They say speed kills not when it's hitting a dump truck it gets killed.

Oh, yeah, South Carolina also saw their dreams take a beating thanks to Stephen Garcia's brotastic interceptions. Result:

Did you ever have one of those college relationships that just became so exhausting to put up with that even thinking of the other person was tiring? That's how I feel about Stephen Garcia as the South Carolina quarterback….

Don't go away mad, Stephen. Just go away.

NEXT WEEK: the Red River Shootout goes down before anyone can get drunk enough to shoot each other. Clemson scores ten billion points on BC. Florida's backup quarterback is slow roasted and consumed by LSU's honey badger defense. And Ohio State grinds out 16 yards of offense against Nebraska.

(HT: Screenshots via 30 FPS.)