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This Week In Schadenfreude: Midwest Collective Depression

Will the last person in the Big Ten footprint to shoot himself in the head please turn the lights out? Can someone find Dabo Swinney a less depressing shirt? Will teams in Texas manage to not talk about pooping? Has anyone ever been more like Cartman than Lane Kiffin? The answer to all these questions is "no."

It's been a miserable year in the Big Ten, what with Wisconsin eating back-to-back heartbreaking bombs and Ohio State looking like a corpse for the first half of the season after firing its coach due to NCAA whatnot. Minnesota is Minnesota, teams other than Minnesota have lost to Rice and Army. The Big Ten is a pit of despair.

But nothing tops Iowa somehow managing to lose against a Minnesota team so bad it saw the author launch a series dedicated to determining whether it could be the worst Big Ten team of all time.

No one knows how this happened. Neutrals who tuned in to the second half after seeing it was inexplicably 7-7 turned it off once Iowa went up two scores and both sets of partisans got blackout drunk afterward.

It happened, though, and Iowa fans have blown up in the aftermath:


Another humorous post

That isn’t humorous due to its dead on accuracy. FML.

BTW, are we sure that Kirk isn’t actually filling this chart out when he’s "taking notes" on the sideline?

by mikjones24 on Nov 1, 2011 10:43 AM PDT

American hero enabler Kirk Ferentz has come in for heavy, bitter criticism. Even the press is getting in on the ornery. This is from one of the reporters at Iowa's 247 site:

Reporter implied Iowa shouldn't have lost to MN because "Iowa is Iowa" and had better players. "That's football"

This is clarified to be a "veteran, beat" guy later. But wait, there's more:

Problems on defense personnel, schematic? "We're not getting it done." Typical no-answer answer.

If you had the over on "I'm not here to make excuses" today please cash your tickets before the windows close.

When the guys in the room are getting pissy, the fanbase is livid. That goes double when you've got a massive blog presence. Commence the bombing:

Good news, this is not just a lousy team -- it is a stupid team, too. Huzzah for diversity!  I don't know what explanation there is other than gross stupidity when this team keeps falling prey to the exact same crap over and over and over and over.  … a loss would have felt terrible under 99% of circumstances... but it really feels terrible when it occurs under THE EXACT SAME CIRCUMSTANCES that have bedeviled Iowa so frequently in the recent past.

Continue the bombing:

On the plus side

I get to wear my "FREE FLOYD" shirt with relevance for another full year! That’s at a cost of JUST 3¢ A DAY! In these tough economic times it’s good to know that BHGP and the University of Iowa Football Team are looking out for my wallet. Thanks BHGP!

/uses FREE FLOYD shirt as a noose

by Kyle McCann't on Oct 30, 2011 10:11 AM PDT

Bomb all things including yourself:


It’s time for heads to roll. I have stayed by this coaching staff until the very end. There is no reason we should EVER lose to a 1-6 now 2 and goddman 6 lousy ass minne-f---ing-sota team! And to not be ready for the onside is a f---ing disgrace. We will be lucky to finish 6-6 considering how goddamn pathetic our defense is and how f---ing conservative our coaching staff is. I am so f---ing goddamn pissed right now. Somebody gots to explain why we’s a s---ty azz fooseball team. F--- it, am out. Where’s the goddamn gun? Maybe it’s time to redecorate my house with my own brains. At last I wouldn’t have to watch this s--t anymore GODDAMNIT!!!!!!

by Dip-S--t on Oct 29, 2011 3:51 PM PDT via mobile reply actions

Yeah, that guy's very screenname is rated R. No, this guy didn't manage Scott Tenorman. Yeesh. Iowa, you win the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness. The week in spleen follows.


Clemson put a hell of a scare into everybody what with their annihilation of FSU and victories over VT and Auburn and existence in the ACC. The prospect of an undefeated, actually killer Tiger outfit was a Mayan apocalypse indicator. But then they came up against the triple option, and sometimes the triple option just beats your head in.

This happened, but Clemson's still 8-1 and looking like an ACC title game lock so the complaints… they are a little bit less than apocalyptic.

Looks like the Dabo Wardrobe Fund is running low again. [2]

Make a donation to the SCDOC for Dabo. Having our HC wearing a dull, monotonous grey practice sweat shirt on the sidelines for a game on national TV is a disgrace and an embarrassment to the university and to all the Clemson fans everywhere.

Where are the Clemson colors? The HC should show some school spirit. Dabo's cheerless dress looked like he was expecting to lose.

Even a prison orange jumpsuit would be much better than that cheap looking wardrobe he wears. The State of South Carolina Department of Corrections has plenty of orange suits to go around for the entire coaching staff plus we've already paid for them.

This guy is This Guy of the Week. There's a lot of sarcasm directed at "dumpers"—this very message board has its own jargon for optimists and pessimists—and shots back from dumpers about the horror of being lisped at:

If you even dare expect better from Clemson [20]

you're automatically labelled a dumper, traitor, bandwaggoner. I don't like driving across 3 states to see an unprepared defense. I don't like it when my team is embarrassed on national TV. I don't like it when Dr. Lou leads off his Clemson analysis with a lisp laden chuckle and then "well, they played Clemson" when referring to why GT won. None of this is ever okay! So spare me the dumper thumper talk!

It Is Not Okay, okay?

Meanwhile, I can't even disagree with this guy except in his choice of words:

Coaches and AP Poll Voters are Retard Dink Monkies [1]



NEBRASKA!? WHAT? Nebraska got gangbungeld by Wisconsin and have beaten no one except Michigan State. CLemson has beaten Two Ranked teams better than what Neb beat. Logic= 0


This guy 3, Coaches and AP 0, grammar –1,000.

Alert, incoming Zen of the Week:




I don't know about the signature either. All I know is it demanded inclusion.

Big East

Rutgers, UConn and Syracuse are your losers, none of whom really give a damn, and there's much misery elsewhere. Here's a disturbing metaphor that could apply to the entire conference:

I drank the Kool-Aid

It tasted good. I don’t regret it. So the lady I was with last week did not look as good at the bar this week. I didn’t see the cold sores in the dim light of the bar. However, I am now well aware of their presence and will proceed with caution.

by Prof Otto on Oct 30, 2011 10:14 AM PDT

In this case it's a Syracuse fan.

Big Ten

Wisconsin, you gits. We have beef, you and I, after you gifted two of the three teams I loathe with all my being electric victories the past two weeks. Nobody gets punts blocked anymore! I hate you.

So do your fans. It's time for more ALL-CAPS WAR headlining from Bucky's Fifth Quarter:


Badgers lose in heartbreaking fashion for second week in a row

At Badgermaniac they already had a thread titled "Anyone else still morbidly depressed?" that found new life in the aftermath of GOOD LORD COVER THE GUY 40 YARDS DOWNFIELD:

I am sick to my stomach. Maybe life is too good if this is so upsetting but I feel like death.

Does the University Book Store sell a revolver with a Bucky logo on the handle?  I'd like to stop the pain, but still show some school spirit.

Scott Tenorman of the Week was a heated race but one CardinalAndWhite34 eked it out, picking up Rant of the Week along the way:

I'm Done

There was a time from the middle of 2007 through the the middle of 2009 when I wanted Bret Bielema fired. I hated everything about the man. From his stupid windbreaker and sunglasses to his lack of wins in games he had to have. I said to all who would listen that 2010 would be his last chance for me, and he finally came through. I even forgave the Rose Bowl loss because he at least got there.

However, any and all respect, hope, faith, or whatever you want to call it that was restored is now completely gone and will never return. Like that one girl you always hoped would come back but you just always knew she wouldn't. …

Does Texas still want Chryst? Because they can f*ckin have him. I'll buy his plane ticket and drive him to the airport myself…. And this defense...this "bend but don't break" is complete and utter BULLSH*T. Our DB's are pure garbage, Fenelus included. Seems like whoever is the D-Cordinator can't understand that you can't play your DB's 74 yards off the LOS. … And special teams...f*ck me. Just f*ck me.

I know Im going to look at this tomorrow and realize how dumb I sound, but I just can't stand being a badger fan anymore. What ever goes right? I got my hopes up in 2007, 2008, and now 2011. And look what we got...a big ole F*CK YOU. So I'm just not got going to get my hopes up for this program ever again because it's clear they will NEVER win a National Title or become a yearly national power.

My sympathies are busy over here washing their hair. GET A PUNT OFF ARRRGH.

Purdue wasn't really expecting much in Ann Arbor but this is a zinger worthy of inclusion:

Beware of Ron Zooks bearing gifts

They only lead to disappointment

by Mattdsm on Oct 29, 2011 11:28 AM PDT

Also this dovetails nicely with the overall theme in this section:

Wake up Bucky, the mighty Boilers are coming to town!

Yeah, that is right.  I know you guys are on a two game losing streak and now face a team coached by Zook 2.0.  We are going to march onto your field and

*Commit 7-8 penalities
*Turn the ball over 3-4 times
*Play musical quarterback
*Allow you to run on the right side of the line without making adjustments
*Give you the middle of the field to complete passes
*Run a shotgun draw with our unathletic fullback 3-4 times
*Throw 2-3 jailbreak screens for negative yards
*Give our kicker a chance to make a long range field goal in garbage time

If you don't like it, deal with it!

The thing that makes sense in this year's Big Ten is to trash-talk your team. This makes complete sense to me.

In this context, even deciding to narrate your team's last-ditch drive to win when your team is Illinois and you know what happens when Illinois drives to win makes… no it doesn't. Insane person behind A LION EYE, you and your flat, affectless march towards sorrow are insane. But at least you're emblematic of the league.

Big Twelve

Texas A&M is making a specialty of hearbreaking losses this year. The latest is an OT loss to Missouri that puts some fans in a literary mind:

It is just the same old story with A&M. They just do enough to really elevate expectations only to see them dashed in the rocks of mediocrity.

Or figuring out ways to accelerate certain timelines:

If Anyone Has Details on Sherms Secret Insiders Only Newsletter... is the time to come forward with the details.

And this is A&M so we're back to the you know, that:

If we win out ill poopslap myself!

I am never coming within ten miles of College Station.

Texas Tech was momentarily content after springing a massive upset over Oklahoma. Then they went out and got crushed by Iowa State. They are no longer particularly content:


Does he have money on the games or something?!

They are also bringing out the Lucy references and titling threads "DIARRHEA." I'm adding Lubbock to my exclusion zone.


Cal blogs are now reminiscing about that time when Cal was the Rebellion to USC's Evil Empire and Jeff Tedford was coveted from coast to coast for turning Pac-10 Indiana into a BCS contender. This is because Cal is back to being Pac-10 (Now 12) Indiana:

Cal Football To Be Closed To Public To Keep Anyone From Seeing It

The California Golden Bears have struggled through a rough season, but their leader has figured out how to put the team in the right direction. CGB has learned through unofficial sources that Cal head coach Jeff Tedford has decided to seal off the final two games at AT&T Park to the sturdy golden fans in order to maintain the proper competitive advantage for his 2011 Golden Bears.

"It was the right thing to do." Tedford said. "Our players just don't get up for games in front of real crowds, no question about it.. We've played our best in front of half-empty stadiums comprises of curious and disinterested individuals, as well as the Colorado Buffaloes. If we're going to make that final push to bowl eligibility, we'll need to have the stadium at the right setting of silence to get the players playing at the level they're capable of playing at."

This is what happens when you lose to UCLA by a billion.

USC put up a valiant fight against USC but went down in triple overtime. In the aftermath, Lane Kiffin looked more like Cartman than human ever has before.



He then got fined ten grand for laying out the "exact facts" wherein he was lied to by an official and his two-year-old son could have figured out where to spot the ball after a holding penalty. It's increasingly unnecessary to even look at a USC message board for this column.


Tennessee football, ladies and gentlemen!

So, the invocation at Neyland Stadium this evening was given by a Catholic gentleman … he said something along the lines of, "We look out and see the black mixed with the orange in the stands tonight, and it reminds us of our own mortality."  It was, shall we say, ominous.

This is a depressed fanbase, probably the most depressed in the country at the moment. Same post:

We walk some imaginary line between constant sorrow and old hope...not too far gone to believe it can happen, but less vocal until it does every week. …  Every Tennessee fan should dress as Charlie Brown for Halloween.  Not just because we keep having the ball pulled away from us.  Mostly for the part where he just screams.

If you know a Tennessee fan, take his belt and shoes.