College Football Power Rankings: Snap-Genius Waterfowl Of The Pacific Northwest

POWER RANKINGS WITH OHHH SO MUCH POWER return this week to remind you which college football teams are still BRIMMING WITH POWER here in the dire days of mid-November. Please recall that designating a team as OH SO POWERFUL applies only to the present moment, and not to a full overview of this season to date. That would be called a poll, and we already have lots of those that are all terrible in every way since 1-5 are like, "yeah, that sounds right!" and 6-25 are "Um, I guess, but would make as much sense arranged randomly."*

*This is not the opinion of many talk radio people. This should be your first indication that this opinion is 100 percent correct.

As always, the pictures have absolutely nothing to do with anything going on here.

1. OREGON. Cool that the nation tunes in to watch Andrew Luck play in prime time for the first time, watches him play gamely in a loss where he had no downfield receiving threat, and then says "meh you're done" in the Heisman race. Also nevermind who he was playing: the snap-geniuses of the Pac-12, the Oregon Ducks, who play as well as anyone in the country as long as they're in rhythm and not thinking too much. (See their BCS bowls and openers under Chip Kelly. Give them time to think, and they will tie their own brain into knots.)

De'Anthony Thomas has a kind of speed best expressed with sound effects like the kind little boys make when playing with toy planes and cars, but the technical term for what he could do over the next three years at Oregon is "demolition futures."  Buy them now and profit later, but for the moment watch Lane Kiffin cringe every time the one time Trojan commit hits the afterburners against USC this weekend. (Shhh, you. When the weird billionaire in the Nike tracksuit says Willie Lyles is a problem, then Willie Lyles is a problem.)

2. GEORGIA. Don't say that Georgia's time-killing fourth quarter drive against Auburn for their final score was not one of the prettier things you will see on a football field. Eleven plays and seven-plus minutes of possession is bad enough for a defense down 35-7, but what really saps the will to live? ALL RUNS. This passes for courtesy in football, and is not courtesy at all because 11 straight runs is the anesthesiologist showing up with a claw hammer and saying, "I'm just gonna make this quick for you. It's the polite thing to do." Todd Grantham's defense is fourth in the nation in total defense, and Jarvis Jones has a concealed carry permit for the thing he carries in a holster he wears everywhere he goes. Inside that holster: a picture of Jarvis Jones holding a sign that reads "SOON."

3. OKLAHOMA STATE.  There was a father on your block who on July 4th thought you needed a few more firecrackers on that pile of beautiful flammables arranged in the middle of the cul-de-sac. And maybe a roman candle. Oh, we can put a few more firecrackers in there, and this? Don't even know what it does, but it's cylindrical and has some crazy-looking Chinese characters on the side. The gas? Well, you don't want any of this NOT going off immediately, do you? I didn't think so.

This father believed the 4th of July was only over when the crater in the middle of the street stopped smoking, and the mothers of the neighborhood patted the last flames from their smoking hairdos and vowed never to let him near that much firepower again. This man is Mike Gundy, and when you give him fireworks he will make sure they all go off at once.

4. TCU. A one-point win does not normally make a team OH SO POWERFUL, but sullying the blue turf of Boise State with the blood of the Broncos themselves does entitle one to an exception. The exemption and granting of INSANE OVER 9000 POWER SO POWERFUL to the Horned Frogs comes on the back of Boise's kicking woes in part, but Casey Pachall's 473 yards and 5 TDs had a bit to do with that, too. Most of all, however, when the POWER COMMITTEE is judging INSANE POWER GADZOOKS THE POWER, they look to alternate forms of energy: solar, switchgrass, and a new renewable source of amazing football power, Gary Patterson's gigantic mindballs.

Captain Mindballer himself on the two-point conversion to take the eventual winning margin: 

"We’re not going to win this if this keeps going," Patterson said. "So, the only way we’re going to be able to do it is to steal it."

Drive it like you stole it, Gary. (Because you did, and it was awesome.)

5. LSU. Suffering a bit of a hangover this week early against Western Kentucky, the Bayou Bengals did much what their students and fans do on Sundays when the Saints play after an LSU night game: stumble out of the gates, trip over their own feet for a few hours, and then rally in dramatic fashion after some halftime refreshments. For the 12th time this week, we'd like to remind you that Western Kentucky's backup running back Keshawn Simpson has one more TD against LSU than Trent Richardson does, and that total is exactly one. HE'S DONE FOR THE HEISMAN RACE PAWWWWLLLL. <----This is a joke. Please do not alert Trent Richardson, or he will find us and break us in half like a stale churro.

6. ALABAMA. Mississippi State continues to lead the league in hard-fought losses, a noble but simultaneously undesirable title. Meanwhile, Alabama went back to do doing what they do, using Trent Richardson as a battering ram (32 carries, 127 yards, and for him a modest 4.0 yards per carry) to run clock and dare Miss State to do something on offense. For at least the ninth year in a row, this remains a very good bet no matter who you are, because 131 yards total is not going to get you anything at Nick Saban's Discount Cafeteria and Self-Esteem Slaughterhouse. (The only thing anorexic about the American Southeast: our offenses, which are starving, model-thin, and like supermodels are just one or two skipped cigarettes away from passing out due to hunger.)

 

TRENT RANKINGS

1. Richardson

2. Green. Famous for not being dead when he should be? Salute! 

3. Reznor.

4. Council of

83. Dilfer

 

RENT RANKINGS

1. Asunder

2. Controlled

3. Any other kind of rent

1,340,822nd. The musical.

 

DENT RANKINGS

1. Arthur. Don't panic.

2. Harvey.

3. Richard

4.  Bucky. We understand he was influential in the game of baseball, the second most popular sport in the 19th century behind bear-baiting.

 

GENT RANKINGS

1. David Niven

2. Everyone else. 

(P.S. Michael Caine is not eligible, as he is a "bloke," not a "gent.")

 

SCENT RANKINGS

1. Bacon

2. Cinnamon Buns

3. Coffee

4. Gasoline

5. Fireworks

6. Top of a baby's head

 

 

ACCENT RANKINGS

1. Scottish

2. Whatever Sofia Vergara's is

3. Jamaican

4. Aussie. Unspeakable profanity never sounded so cheerful.

5. South African. <---deeply underrated

6. South Carolina.

7. New Orleans (Irish Channel)

8. Hawaiian

9. Whatever Rick Ross has going on, because it is BAWSE.

10. Honda

 

WENDT RANKINGS

1. George.