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Auburn Tree Poisoner Reportedly Attacked At Gas Station

The weirdest story in college athletics just shifted gears into a level of ludicrousidaciousness we cannot properly convey with the English language without making up words like "ludicrousidaciousness." The man accused of the poisoning of the trees at Toomer's Corner at Auburn University has reportedly been attacked at gas station in Lee County, Alabama following his appearance at a hearing in the case. One way or another, this really happened. Keep reading.

According to a report by the Paul Finebaum Show, Updyke's attorney Glennon Threatt confirmed that his client had sustained a head injury in an attack from an unknown assailant at a gas station on US 280 in Lee County, but that the head injury was not serious enough to require hospitalization. Updyke had just come from his hearing where he had waived the right to a preliminary hearing and set his grand jury trial in the case for May 2nd.

The name of that gas station: The Tiger Express. Dear state of Alabama: you're all just staging this for our entertainment at this point, and have become the WWE Raw of states. Either this attack is real and is insane, or Updyke has faked it and is also insane. There is no non-crazy angle to this story; it is a perfect, flawless sphere of madness. Please continue your fine work.