A brief situation report on the rapidly unfolding Miami Hurricanes football program.
INCIDENT REPORT: A booster, Nevin Shapiro, has turned over the evidence for eight years' worth of prohibited benefits he doled out to Miami football players from 2002--2010 to Yahoo! Sports. And the NCAA. And Interpol. And your mother, who is very disappointed in all of you, most especially you, son or daughter. Don't look at her like that. You know why.
ORDNANCE USED: Hookers, money, strip club visits, meals at steakhouses designed to trap insecure douchebags with money, yacht and mansion access, agent contact -- and all of it paid for with money from a Ponzi scheme ultimately swallowing over $900 million of other people's money.
DOCUMENTS: 20,000 pages of documents and financial records, interviews with over 100 people, Shapiro's own testimony, pieces of evidence from Shapiro's own federal indictment and subsequent 20 year paid federal vacation, and hundreds of photos. Not all of them are relevant to the NCAA violations, but all of them are relevant, if you know what I mean.
CASUALTIES: One Miami football program. Multiple deep puncture wounds and lacerations with severe blood loss from exploding NCAA Claymore likely to come, but already suffering shock, disbelief, and delusions consistent with the medical phenomenon known as "HaterZ Syndrome."
TRIAGE: Stabilize Miami ranking officer Lt. Golden, who is publicly stating that if Miami did know about this, then they should have told him and not made him give up that cushy job at Temple for this. Prepare defense of impending NCAA attack, perhaps best accomplished by simply letting them in surrendering in order to prevent the use of nuclear weapons on them.
CLARIFICATION ON THE NUCLEAR OPTION. The death penalty is a possibility here for the first time since the 1987 SMU case, and those on the ground should be notified of its very real severity. The death penalty in the SMU case was invoked by the NCAA for repeated violations while SMU was already on probation, which is not the case here. However, the NCAA does have some precedent in shutting the program down in the form of the 1952 Kentucky basketball team, a point-shaving catastrophe that ended up with the NCAA and the SEC shutting the program down for a year. People also ended up in jail in that case, too, but in Miami's case Shapiro is already well-ensconced in a New York prison for his Ponzification.
That said: Ultimately the NCAA will do exactly what it did in the recent USC and Ohio State cases, make up whatever it likes based on their blood sugar levels and the alignment of the planets that particular morning. That full list of punishments includes the death penalty. When you have no defenses, you pray not for forgiveness, but a swift injury and manageable recovery.
ACC penalties may be forthcoming, as well. A Roman battlefield suicide in the form of self-inflicted punishment is a noble, if difficult option that may become increasingly attractive as the day wears on.
CASUALTIES, CONT'D: The current Miami football team, who will now play the rest of their college football careers in one form of NCAA-inflicted purgatory or another. Players named in the report, including current Purdue quarterback and one-time Hurricane Robert Marve, whose eligibility may be affected. Coaches named in the report who are alleged to have had full knowledge of Shapiro's actions, including Missouri basketball coach and former Miami head man Frank Haith, featured prominently in the report.
Former AD Paul Dee's reputation, which is KIA and now being sent for identification behind the front lines. Longtime University President Donna Shalala, who could also lose her job over this. Rear Admiral Luther Campbell, whose emotional distress is not to be underestimated in the form of football PTSD. The ACC, who could effectively bear a dead, non-revenue generating spot in their schedules for years to come. Two jetskis wrecked by Kellen Winslow and Devin Hester. Brigadier General Gloria Estefan, severely wounded in battle.
Severely wounded: The NCAA, shot repeatedly through the credibility gland. Prognosis unknown.
SURVIVING TROOPS: Randy Shannon, who is mentioned nowhere in connection with any of this. Well done, soldier. Keep that head on a swivel.