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This Week In Schadenfreude: Terps On Tilt

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How much vomit can a Maryland fan's stomach hold? Is Glen Mason a warlock? How many programs can Lane Kiffin ruin at once? Is Pete Boone a robot sent to destroy Ole Miss? What does "Shermshine pumping" consist of? All this and more in this week's TWIS! (Please don't answer that last one.)

There are losses, and then there's losing 31-7 to Temple. Maryland experienced the latter over the weekend.  This enters the race with "Duke was simply the better team" for Unexpected Sentence of the Year:

Looks like men vs boys. Temple is as impressive as any team I've seen this season.

And immediately loses to this one:

Temple looked like Alabama.

Eventually the "whole sentences" thing gets to be too much:

Horrendous. … LOL @ us … Season over. … Wow.  Correction...LMAO @ us.

By halftime fans lapse into simple incomprehension:

31-0 at the half.  AT HOME.  I don't understand this.

Since Randy Edsall is the dry white toast of coaching hires there is no honeymoon when guys who have caused offenses to score those touchdown things were hanging around:

If there's any justice in the world; Mike Leach and Ralph Friedgen are having a beer somewhere and laughing heartily.

Elsewhere, Edsall is asked to make amends

Here's what I want::

I want a personal phone call from Randy. I want him to say three things:

1. I am embarrassed.
2. I apologize.
3. I will make this right.

by jellis77 on Sep 24, 2011 5:01 PM EDT

…and the precise amount of vomit available to the average human is debated:

rquidas: I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.
BulletTerp: You still had vomit left to throw up after watching the first half? How much DID you eat this morning?

BulletTerp returns with a second zinger:

Said it on an earlier thread that this was a STATEMENT game for the Terps

Just didn’t realize the statement would be "When does the basketball season start?"

by BulletTerp on Sep 24, 2011 6:13 PM EDT

Maryland, you have earned the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness. We lick them off your bizarrely split faces and think about the Maryland state flag.

The rest of the week in spleen:


Maryland wasn't the only ACC school to lose by a huge amount to a dubious foe. NC State joined in the party with a 44-14 loss to Cincinnati that brings out the germ comparisons:

The "state" of State football is even worse than many realized. Lee Fowler was to Wolfpack athletics what the clap was to Al Capone.

Fowler’s basketball legacy was bringing that sport to its lowest point in Wolfpack history, period. And look at football. It may not be there yet, but the ghosts of Reid, Kiffin and O’Cain are lurking. Look at our present football team: an offense that couldn’t move the football downhill in an ice storm, a defense that is as effective as a screen door on a submarine, and a recruiting outlook that looks like the past two years of Wall Street leading indicators.

I don’t want to see us lose any more than you do, but somebody in the NCSU Ivory Towers needs to wake up to reality. Last night’s ESPN matchup wasn’t just ugly, it was US. It’s who we’ve become. It was coast-to-coast ugly, described by 3 announcers who would’ve worn masks on-air had anyone on our team been diagnosed with flu.

That is a quality rant right there. You know what? We can't spend time on NCSU when there's so much ACC misery hanging around.

Here's a bizarre cartoon from Florida State blog Chant Rant involving a zombie being interviewed by ESPN.



Surprisingly, the zombie does not appear to be named Bowden. And there is also a picture of Miami fans actually attending and caring about this Kansas State game, but that's obviously photoshopped.

Big East

Orson already covered the mental state of the West Virginia fan in exacting detail, but if you wanted some hard evidence to back that up here you go:

When is the honeymoon over?

Let me preface this entire message with this statement. If you lined up all 120 FBS coaches in front of me, told me to pick one to head my team, I would take.

1.  Nick Saban
2. Dana Holgorsen

So, I am in no way trashing or putting down our coach.  I love and support him as much as ever. 


What is with all the love after the LSU game?  Am I the only one who saw the final score?  We were a 6 point home underdog.  We got beat by more than 6...more than a touchdown...more than 2 touchdowns...more than 3 touchdowns....more than double our score.   …

The truth is Marshall had us worried at the half, NFSU was beating us at the half, Maryland was a good pass instead of an interception away from victory, and LSU stomped us into the mud on college gameday.

"So I propose we kidnap Dana's children and send them to a forced labor camp in the Yukon until we win a national title," Joshbowski continued. Elsewhere, 'Eer fans debate whether Tyrann Mathieu is a complete thug, anus, or tampon.

Elsewhere in schools orbiting around a point 40 miles between Morgantown and Pittsburgh featuring new coaches promising offensive fireworks but providing frustrating losses, Pitt lost a baby-puncher to Notre Dame 15-12. It's time to Resort To Poetry:

After reading Graham’s press conference yesterday I felt that if we put the recurring storyline to rhyme it would be easier for us to recall after each game and will save us the time of having to actually listen to him talk.

"O" is for offense, believe it or not

"F" is for FUBAR and that’s what we got

"F" is forget to get rid of the ball

"E’ means elusive like winning at all

You get the picture.

Elsewhere, posts are getting titled "Bravado Haunts" and I'm forced to reassess my opinion that Michigan is a place that turns on losers quickly. Do not expect mercy within a 40 mile radius of a point midway between Morgantown and Pittsburgh.

Big Ten

The Big Ten took on a slate of total patsies outside of Michigan's game against SDSU and OSU's against Colorado, but still managed to pick up two losses thanks to Minnesota and Indiana. In Minnesota's case it's the third(!) time in five years they've lost to I-AA competition. Making things worse, new head coach Jerry Kill has returned to the hospital after suffering a series of seizures over the past couple weeks. Best wishes to him as he recovers, but there is misery here that must be documented.

At this point Gopher fans are drawing the obvious conclusion:

Conspiracy theory

I am a firm believer that Mason somehow "poisoned" the program on his way out. He felt he wasn’t getting a fair shake and did something to curse us. Ever since he left, we’ve plummeted to depths unheard of during his reign. In comparison, these last two fools make Mason look like frickin Bear Bryant. And you can’t tell me that’s not exactly the way he’d want it.

by Jayrome007 on Sep 25, 2011 1:07 AM CDT up reply

But at least they've got compassion for their cancer-surviving, seizure-suffering new head coach:

I give Jerry until 9/13/2013

If we don’t get out and roll on Western Illinois with what should be an experienced quarterback and offensive line, just pull the plug and move on. Forget meaningful games in the B1G++, I just want to come out and look superior to the FCS team we have in, and feel like loosing them ought not have to cross my mind and a beautiful day on my campus.

I stayed on the Brew bandwagon way too long, and was way too underwhelmed by Coach Buzzkill’s hiring to put up with this s--- for some f---ing five year plan. Hopefully we will have an AD by then with some clue/balls and some heads will have rolled already and they’ll be keeping a nice sharp axe.

by ulf on Sep 25, 2011 12:59 AM CDT reply

So… yeah, they're totally cool with giving Jerry Kill whatever time he needs to stop having seizures and turn around one of the worst Big Ten BCS program located in or adjacent to South Dakota.

And they are going to remain level-headed while doing so. Srs.

Child rapists don’t deserve what Minnesota football has dished out to it’s fans. You can’t fault students for leaving early or fans for booing. Simply showing up to watch us play NDSU is noble.

…there is "give the coach time"…which to me meant we can out-execute NMSU and NDSU, but get our asses handed to us in Big 10 play…and then there is this soulless, gutless, heartless style of football I have seen through 4 games. It is so bad that the entire pot of goodwill coach Kill built up is gone. This team managed to perform so disgracefully poorly in its first 4 games, 3 of which were played before commendable crowds, that the seemingly impossible has happened that is, a team with horrifically sad and low expectations has actually found a way to disappoint and disgust the most loyal of fans.

We will all still be here tomorrow, but there is no shame in expressing disgust by the horses--- product we have had to watch this season. I knew this was a group of heartless losers after one single series. NMSU first and goal, second and goal, third and goal, stuffed. At home. That is gutless football.

by jimipig on Sep 25, 2011 9:26 AM CDT

Whoah. Presenting your Scott Tenorman of the Week, a strong contender for overall honors.

Indiana also lost miserably to North Texas, to which Indiana fans respond "Cody Zeller."

Big Twelve

Texas A&M had a 20-3 lead on Oklahoma State in a battle of top-10 teams and managed to blow it, leaving Aggies to snipe at each other with vaguely unsettling nicknames:

Any Shermshine Pumpers left out there...?

posted 8:49a, 09/25/11

If so, I have a question. Do yall still think that all the offseason behavior won't/didn't have any effect on this season? I, as I warned would happen months ago, just witnessed a team with no leadership, maturity or discipline, give up after their terrible physical fitness was exposed. Thoughts?

This guy gets blown up pretty good, FWIW, for asserting a months-ago incident is responsible for four second half turnovers. This does not stop Massive Civil War from continuing:

Im ashamed.

AceAggie05posted 10:37a, 09/25/11

I'm ashamed that once again, we controlled the first half, then gave the game away. I'm ashamed that our coach, who gets paid more money than I could ever dream of, abandoned the true strength of our offense for an entire half.

But mostly, I'm ashamed of you guys. Yeah, we gave up the game. Yeah, we lost to OSU for the 4th time in a row. Yeah, our coach made obvious mental errors. Yeah, this could have happened, and that could have happened. I have never been as ashamed to be an Aggie, as I was when I see all of the excuses you guys made for this game. All of the finger pointing, all of the b****ing and moaning, all of the if/then scenarios.

Ironic meta-moaning is apparently an Aggie specialty. Congratulations, SEC? Look at what you've… won?

Finally, and presented without comment:

Official Ruin Pat Fordes life Thread

Lets take this b**** down




So… USC lost by three touchdowns. I wonder if the worst people on the internet are cool with this?


9/25/2011 1:27:54 AM

By: San Clemente

…How is it that I knew that BARNEY [ed: Kiffin] STUNK  the day he walked on campus and that he would never improve, and you didn't.   How is it that I recognized that he's crosseyed, has a squat panic release, and is, has been and always will be a LOSER  and you didn't?  The Barney Powlus you saw tonight is the same Barney you have been watching for 2 plus years and the same LOSER you will see next year.  The only competition he has ever faced in his life is on Saturdays in the fall.  He's never won a damn thing in his life and he never will.  I am sure he's a nice guy.  Don't worry , he will sleep like a baby tonight.  If Jesus would have wanted him to throw the ball to his own team, he would have.  Oh and for you Booty haters. He would have to break a hand to have a game like this. 

YOU liking that backpedalling tampax 2 defense yet?  YOu know, don't give up the big play but let the other team march all the way down the field with  8 and 12 yards at a time.  Still think Monte has any idea how to defend the spread?  A million dollars a year for this mumbling , bumbling , demented moron.  Still Think Gallipo knows how to play football?  How about Kennard?  Five stars?  HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.  

How did I know that Pat Haden was a DISASTER hire and you didin't?  He's happy right now, are you?  This is the USC he has always wanted.  A USC where football isn't the focus.  Well, it's no longer the focus.  Maybe woman's sports will put Haden's USC on the map again. LMAO

So blame turnovers .  Blame the weather.  Blame sanctions.  Blame the refs.  All I have to say is get used to it and try to enjoy the easy parking for the next forseable future.

Next time I tell you USC football is DEAD,  remember I have a license by the state of california that gives me the power to declare it. sc

Yeah, they're cool.


Kiffin-related angst never stops as the program's edge. Tennessee was off this week but got caught up in the Charles Robinson death spiral when Yahoo reported that a former Kiffin assistant coach was stupid enough to wire Willie Lyles $1,500 to cover Lache Seastrunk's airfare for an unofficial visit. The Kiffin era at UT in one sentence:

KIffin is like a hooker

It was exciting for a brief time, but it cost us a lot of money, he never really liked us, and now we have this weird itchy rash that just won’t go away.

by danmarcel on Sep 26, 2011 10:42 PM EDT

The solution here is an all-access interview with Craig James.

Ole Miss fans have already fired Houston Nutt in their mind. It hardly matters that they lost by two touchdowns to Georgia last weekend. After four crappy hires at Ole Miss they've moved on to This Cancer Goes All The Way To The Top, targeting AD Pete Boone. They've resorted to Xtranormal to make their point:

Q: Are you are robot sent to destroy Ole Miss athletics?
A: My twitter account shows I am technologically savvy.

This Wins The Internet this week. It is five minutes long but not TL;DR.

Since Nutt's been fired in everyone's mind people have moved on to the hypothetical coaching search with the usual list of ludicrous names like Mike Gundy. He's coaching his alma mater into the top 10 and has his own personal Prohkorov whenever he needs a tiny giraffe, but what he really wants is to maybe make the Liberty Bowl every once in a while. That's only a 6.5 on the Ole Miss coaching candidate insanity scale, though:

surgery does not help, so he must quit. Peyton Manning. no experience except he has basically been an offensive coordinator in nfl for last 10 years. old people would weep. GOB's [ed: no idea] would s--t themselves. 150 million gets to coffers ahead of timeline. huge national exposure. excitement. Would be crazy, but we have done alot dumber.

This is met with some skepticism:

That sounded like a caveman sending a telegram? Peyton? Huh?

I may be drunk, but, well, I may be drunk.

A fine policy for Ole Miss fans everywhere.

NEXT WEEK! A&M gets a harsh welcome to its new league against Arkansas, or most likely doesn't. Nebraska certainly does—we will be on full Pelini artery explosion alert. Bruin fans run around going "aieeeeee" after Stanford staves their head in, and will North Carolina State give up 800 yards rushing against Georgia Tech?