An annual NFL draft tradition: pro-only fans shouting in disbelief about a player’s wonderful name as college fans scoff like hipsters, having known about that player’s incredible lyricism for years.
Let’s not do that this time. Let’s join together in praising the music of this year’s draft roster.
So! Below is a starting 22 of 2017 prospects, made up of nothing but the finest names at each position.
Your captains are Arkansas State D lineman Dee Liner, Michigan tight end Jake Butt (who already has a toilet paper endorsement deal) ...
Yes I'm a tight end. Yes my last name is butt. Hhahaha— jake butt (@JBooty_88) September 22, 2013
Small percentage of the butt family you'll see at the game today pic.twitter.com/ywRtXBu2yC— jake butt (@JBooty_88) September 26, 2015
... and Ohio State linebacker Raekwon McMillan, who’ll undoubtedly be the NFL’s first player to be named after a Wu-Tang member and whose name has been a reminder since 2012 that WE ARE ALL OLD. Even better, Urban Meyer’s nickname for McMillan as a recruit was “Bubble,” based on his muscular backside. Raekwon the Bubble!
Onward to the full list of starters, not all of whom will be drafted (meaning this list will need some revisions once the seventh round ends), but all of whom have very good names:
2017 NFL Draft prospects All-Name Team
|WR||Speedy Noil||Texas A&M|
|WR||Bug Howard||North Carolina|
|WR||Kermit Whitfield, who'll be the NFL's first Kermit since the '70s. Think of the memes!!!||Florida State|
|OT||Justin Senior, indeed a redshirt senior||Mississippi State|
|OG||Forrest Lamp||Western Kentucky|
|C||None have fitting names. Air Force S Weston Steelhammer will just have to bulk up.|
|DE||Taco Charlton, who tried not to like tacos (because of his nickname), but succumbed||Michigan|
|DT||Dee Liner, who is a D liner||Arkansas State|
|LB||Raekwon McMillan||Ohio State|
|LB||Ironhead Gallon||Georgia Southern|
|CB||Corn Elder, who was offered by the Cornhuskers and later had one of his best games against them||Miami|
|CB||Will Likely, who goes by William these days||Maryland|
|S||Money Hunter||Arkansas State|
We must also mention Alabama WR Gehrig Dieter (actually named after Lou Gehrig), Washington State WR River Cracraft, Oregon TE Pharaoh Brown (following South Carolina/Rams WR Pharoh Cooper, giving us two straight drafts with Egyptian royalty), Arkansas TE Jeremy Sprinkle, Old Dominion DT Rashaad Coward (dare you to call him that!), Appalachian State CB Mondo Williams, Cincinnati DB Mike Tyson, and Wisconsin CB Sojourn Shelton.
Anyway, look at how much more pleasant and inspiring your Sunday audial experience is about to get, NFL friends.