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The 2017 NFL draft’s All-Name Team, led by Jake Butt, Raekwon McMillan, and Dee Liner

A tremendous amount of poetry is moving from college to the pros. Let us celebrate it.

By Jason Kirk Updated
NCAA Football: Rutgers at Michigan Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

An annual NFL draft tradition: pro-only fans shouting in disbelief about a player’s wonderful name as college fans scoff like hipsters, having known about that player’s incredible lyricism for years.

Let’s not do that this time. Let’s join together in praising the music of this year’s draft roster.

So! Below is a starting 22 of 2017 prospects, made up of nothing but the finest names at each position.

Your captains are Arkansas State D lineman Dee Liner, Michigan tight end Jake Butt (who already has a toilet paper endorsement deal) ...

... and Ohio State linebacker Raekwon McMillan, who’ll undoubtedly be the NFL’s first player to be named after a Wu-Tang member and whose name has been a reminder since 2012 that WE ARE ALL OLD. Even better, Urban Meyer’s nickname for McMillan as a recruit was “Bubble,” based on his muscular backside. Raekwon the Bubble!

Onward to the full list of starters, not all of whom will be drafted (meaning this list will need some revisions once the seventh round ends), but all of whom have very good names:

2017 NFL Draft prospects All-Name Team

Position Player School
Position Player School
QB Gunner Kiel Cincinnati
RB Shock Linwood Baylor
WR Speedy Noil Texas A&M
WR Bug Howard North Carolina
WR Kermit Whitfield, who'll be the NFL's first Kermit since the '70s. Think of the memes!!! Florida State
TE Jake Butt Michigan
OT Max Rich Harvard
OT Justin Senior, indeed a redshirt senior Mississippi State
OG Forrest Lamp Western Kentucky
OG Damien Mama USC
C None have fitting names. Air Force S Weston Steelhammer will just have to bulk up.
DE Taco Charlton, who tried not to like tacos (because of his nickname), but succumbed Michigan
DE Gimel President Illinois
DT Dee Liner, who is a D liner Arkansas State
DT Chunky Clements Illinois
LB Raekwon McMillan Ohio State
LB Ironhead Gallon Georgia Southern
CB Corn Elder, who was offered by the Cornhuskers and later had one of his best games against them Miami
CB Will Likely, who goes by William these days Maryland
S Money Hunter Arkansas State
S Budda Baker Washington
S Fish Smithson Kansas
K Chris Blewitt Pitt
P Alex Boy Nevada

We must also mention Alabama WR Gehrig Dieter (actually named after Lou Gehrig), Washington State WR River Cracraft, Oregon TE Pharaoh Brown (following South Carolina/Rams WR Pharoh Cooper, giving us two straight drafts with Egyptian royalty), Arkansas TE Jeremy Sprinkle, Old Dominion DT Rashaad Coward (dare you to call him that!), Appalachian State CB Mondo Williams, Cincinnati DB Mike Tyson, and Wisconsin CB Sojourn Shelton.

Anyway, look at how much more pleasant and inspiring your Sunday audial experience is about to get, NFL friends.

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