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Every NFL Playoffs Quarterback Except Matt Hasselbeck Is Gay, Suggests Google

Google's auto-complete suggestions reveal some very interesting common threads among the remaining eight NFL quarterbacks. Well, except Matt Hasselbeck, the most boring man alive. Click to biggify:


via Reddit's r/nfl

The common NFL fan is far more concerned with the personal relationship preferences of each quarterback than you've ever thought possible. Some notes:

  • Not only is Hasselbeck the NFL's only heterosexual, accurately rated, non-ugly, non-hot, and non-douchey quarterback, he's also neither here nor there.
  • Tom Brady and Matt Ryan are both God right now, but Ryan will soon become Brady in a totally redundant religious ceremony ending with the ultimate cosmic quarterback controversy. 
  • Tom Brady is also the god of baldness.
  • Mark Sanchez and Tom Brady are gay and married, despite being bitter rivals.
  • Aaron Rodgers and Matt Ryan are either gay and engaged or gay and dating. Communication issue.
  • Joe Flacco and Matt Ryan leave Google at a loss for words sometimes.
  • Jay Cutler is the worst person in the world. Nobody has anything meant to be complimentary to Google about him, other than those of us who are Googling his dating status in shock ("Jay Cutler is dating??"). He's not even overrated, as we've figured out exactly how to rate him: he's Jeff George*. At least Ben Roethlisberger is tough and innocent. 
  • Every morning, Joe Flacco types joe flacco is tall into Google. Every night, joe flacco is awful. Ray Lewis says a lot of mean things to Joe Flacco during the day.
  • Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady, and Mark Sanchez are the gayest quarterbacks, based on how high gay appears in their lists. Ben Roethlisberger is the fattest, which would have been a complete mystery without Google's help.

* - I just tried this with jeff george is, and Google had nothing, so maybe Jay Cutler really is Jeff George.