Soccer is dumb because you can't use your hands. This truth is fundamental, it somehow proves elusive to millions of people around the world, and it also helps us to understand why the NFL is in such high demand that two teams would fly all the way out to London: they are starving for a wonderful game in which nearly every type of athlete does nearly every type of athletic thing. It is a gift basket of exotic fruits and sugared dates and gourmet chocolates, sent to disrupt the monotony of gray, boiled beef.
London's fans, as evidenced by Sunday's spectacle, deserve better. In particular, one unauthorized gentleman conducted a streaking every ounce as exciting, funny, and downright wonderful as nearly any American field-stormer.
Our hero discarded his shirt, galloping around the field with the abandon of a stallion and the general trajectory of a bumblebee that smells your soda.
To the blackboard, please. (Do the British have a quaint name for blackboard, a word that is already mildly quaint? Scrawlwall? Definitely scrawlwall.)
And the requisite notes:
- Historically speaking, athletes are giant assholes to field-stormers, whether it's Matt Diaz tripping them or Rick Monday swiping a flag from a couple of fans who were trying to burn it. Isn't it nice to see a player celebrate a field-storming? Bears cornerback Corey Graham clearly did not high-five out of shock or bewilderment. He did so because it's just a nice thing to do. Seriously, Corey Graham, you are a nice person and I like you a lot and I hope you had fun on your trip to Europe, because you certainly deserve it!
- Craig Steltz, meanwhile, is a joyless tool of the state. Listen, you doofus, if someone offers you a high-five, you take it.
- Dang, these are some sharply-dressed security guards. From a distance, it seriously looks as though the fan is being chased by a half-dozen Gordon Browns.
- A mime-spike between the legs! Good work, you nameless, shirtless son of a gun. You have done well.
- And finally, the take-down did not disappoint, with a member of the security personnel making an improbable, NFL2K-style leap through the air to get a hand on the unauthorized gentleman.
This NFL season is shaping up to be a promising one for the field-storming industry. And it is an industry. Like most things human beings are hard-wired to appreciate, it is both hard work and great fun, and every time you bear witness to a field romp, the world becomes just a little more wonderful than you thought it was.
Click here for further field-storming adventures, such as the fan in the wedding dress, the buck-naked guy, and the miraculous tale of the fan who actually got away.