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Jeremy Shockey Possibly Saves Teammate's Life, Renders Heimlich Maneuver Obselete

On Tuesday, a story has emerged that has Jeremy Shockey saving the life of Carolina Panthers teammate Ben Hartsock. The fellow tight end choked on some food, and when it was evident that he was in distress...

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"Some new guy came and tried to give him the Heimlich. It didn’t work. Then, Shockey hit him in the back pretty hard and out came the meat."

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It would appear that Shockey is a hero; moreover, his actions will revolutionize modern first aid practices. As we speak, the office of the Surgeon General of the United States is crossing out entire paragraphs of medical text and appending it with, "just whack the damn hell out of 'em." They should probably just print new books if they're going to do all that, though.

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