clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Reminder: Anonymous NFL Scouts Are Here To Make Everyone Dumber

If you buy something from an SB Nation link, Vox Media may earn a commission. See our ethics statement.

My favorite part about the movie Moneyball was the way they made old-timey baseball scouts look like complete neanderthals. Their sole purpose in that movie was to make every room just a little dumber. Scouts can't possibly be that spectacularly idiotic in real life. Right?

Well, it's the third week in April, so that means it's time for NFL scouts to make you wonder ... Here's one scout talking about an offensive lineman (via Yahoo!).

"Not a bad kid ... I just don't know if football is that important to him. He was raised by women, which bothers me. I mean, how tough can he be? It's not his fault, but it's still reality.

That's a scout talking about Kelechi Osemele, an offensive tackle from Iowa State -- all part of an offensive line breakdown in the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, where they sought out opinions from numerous anonymous scouts. Some of the other highlights include...

On Stanford T Jonathan Martin:

"Not very tough." Hails from North Hollywood, Calif. One scout said Martin's father was a college professor and his mother was an attorney.

(If you're not a quarterback, a healthy family is a red flag. The greatest offensive lineman have gotta be poor, like Jonathan Ogden, the son of an investment banker who went to prep school with John Rockefeller's grandchildren).

On Ole Miss T Bobby Massie:

"He's not tough-minded. I don't think he's dumb. I think he's naïve. He's Mississippi." Scored 22 on the Wonderlic.

(Did he just say that football player was the state of Mississippi? Because 22 on the Wonderlic is above average, and the state of Mississippi could NEVER score that high on an aptitude test.)

On Iowa T Reilly Reiff:

"Reiff is a dirt bag. I like the way he plays."

(It's cool how this compliment makes him sound like a date rapist)

On Wake Forest G Joe Looney:

"You can say he's kind of a dumpy-looking guy and he's stiff and a straight-line athlete. But..."

("... after 6-7 drinks, he's not THAT dumpy-looking.")

On Baylor C Phillip Blake:

"He could be a great football player," Tennessee scouting supervisor C.O. Brocato said. "But some guys are lazy and he can be one of them."

(Some guys are this, so he could be this. #ANALYSIS.)

Anonymous scouts are the best. It's a tradition that never gets old, and one day I hope we can hear from them all year round. Get their opinion on global warming ("50 degrees in April, and it's gettin WARMER? No, writing's on the wall here), hit movies ("Hurt Locker was a war movie directed by a woman, so how realistic can it possibly be?"), Barack Obama ("Uses teleprompter. Not tough-minded"), Mark Zuckerberg ("Saw he bought Instagram. But is he focused on Facebook getting better? Where's his head at?"), and every other pressing issue of the day.

Until then, we'll have to settle for draft analysis for the next week, where you can say he's dumpy-looking and he was raised by women, but he's ALSO a tough-minded dirt bag.

The question is: How important is football to him?