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Pacman Jones Is Ready To Shape The NFL's Next Generation

Every year the NFL holds its "Rookie Symposium" to teach future stars about life in pro football, and a big part of the program involves teaching players how to stay out of trouble. You know, "what not to do." Now it looks like the NFL's going with the "Scared Straight" approach to that lesson, as Adam "Pacman" Jones will be speaking to this year's rookies.

This is just perfect.

There's no one on earth with more to teach NFL rookies a more credible lesson about what not to do. Let's just look back at this one incident from 2007.

On the morning of February 19, 2007, during the 2007 NBA All-Star Game weekend in Las Vegas, Jones was allegedly involved in an altercation with an exotic dancer at Minxx, a local strip club. Jones and American rap artist Nelly patronized the club that evening. Nelly, along with someone known as Richard Rich, showered the stage with hundreds of one-dollar bills; an act known as "making it rain." Jones then joined Nelly by throwing his own money for "visual effect." Club promoter Chris Mitchell then directed his dancers to collect the money.

According to the club's co-owner, Jones became enraged when a dancer began taking the money without his permission. He allegedly grabbed her by her hair and slammed her head on the stage. A security guard intervened and scuffled with members of Jones' entourage of half a dozen people. Jones then allegedly threatened the guard's life. During this time, Mitchell and a male associate left the club with a garbage bag filled with $81,020 and two Breitling watches, which police later recovered. After club patrons left following the original confrontation, the club owner claimed a person in Jones' entourage returned with a gun and fired into a crowd, damaging equipment and hitting three people, including the security guard involved in the earlier skirmish. The guard was shot twice, and one of the people hit—former professional wrestler Tommy Urbanski—was paralyzed from the waist down. Jones maintains that he did not know the shooter, although the club's owner insists that Jones did. On March 26, 2007, the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department recommended to the city's district attorney that Jones be charged with one count of felony coercion, one misdemeanor count of battery and one misdemeanor count of threat to life.

[...] On April 21, a document revealed that Jones paid $15,000 to various people involved in the Las Vegas shooting.

Lesson #1: "If you rookies find yourself at a strip club with Nelly during All-Star Weekend, feel free to "Make It Rain", but remember that you're in a strip club. If you throw money on stage, you're not getting that money back. On a related note..."

Lesson #2: "There is really no such thing as making it rain for "visual effect." Life is not a rap video. If you're going to Make It Rain, you gotta mean it. Another option would be to carry around fake money, but if you're a pro athlete, you should be way too ballin for any of that Monopoly money shit."

Lesson #3: "If you find yourself in a verbal altercation at a strip club named Minxx, you should probably stop right there and backtrack as soon as possible."

Lesson #4: "Definitely DON'T allegedly slam a stripper's head against the stage."

Lesson #5: "If a half-dozen members of your entourage pick a fight with a security, do your best to diffuse the situation. Definitely don't allegedly pay them $15,000 to allegedly shoot up the club."

Lesson #6: "Because then they'll allegedly shoot up the club."

Lesson #7: "And you'll eventually get caught."

Lesson #8: "And you'll get suspended for an entire year."

Lesson #9: "And soon enough, you'll be such a notorious f**kup that the NFL might invite you to speak at the Rookie Symposium in the hopes that just hearing your story will terrify them into obeying the law."

CONCLUSION: "You can go to strip clubs with Nelly at All-Star Weekend, and you can even Make It Rain. You don't have to be a saint just because you play in the NFL. But when a stripper at Minxx picks up that money that you made rain, that becomes HER money. Just accept it. Because if you don't, your next move could lead you right back to the Rookie Symposium."

See, if you were an NFL Rookie you could hear Roger Goodell warn you about the dangers of making it rain, but coming from Pac Man, doesn't it just feel more real? If you think about it, the biggest crime in all this--except for the actual crimes--is that Pac Man hasn't been at the Rookie Symposium for years now. Shit, man. Pac Man Jones IS the rookie symposium.