This is presented strictly as PARODY, but that doesn't dilute the strength of these takes. All spelling errors are intentional (we think). Don't like it? There's the door. - Ed.
The Danny "Newsboy" Woodhead Lunchpail Fella Of The Week: Danny Woodhead Wins Again!
"Extree extree,, yous bozos too busy gettin donkeypunched by Peyton Manning and drinkin Andy Reids Kool-Aid to even realise us Chagers boys making some noise over hea. last time the Chargahs was above .500 this late in the season Mrs. Rivers got to have a period. Thats right the only checkdown Phil Rivers does more often then me is when hes looking to see if his wifes pregnant again folks. I might not be front page of the style section but at least I'm not in the obituarys like my pal Mista Mathews, I tell ya. Heres a lettah to the editah for youz: no need to get out of bed to fetch the Sunday paper either, because you can always depend on ol' Danny to take it to the house. Hey mista, where you going?"
Special Note: After writing this,, I was alerted by SB Nations own Bolts From The Blue that Danny Woodhead may/mayn't be selling newspapers today for charity.
We'll be selling newspapers this morning (8-10a) in Mission Valley to raise money for @radychildrens. Keep an eye out and grab a paper! 1$— San Diego Chargers (@chargers) October 22, 2013
Youll recall Ive long been calling ol Danny "The Newsboy" on account of he always delivers on Sundays and as a white RB hes part of a dying industry, but this is would just be to cool if he was actually a newsboy today. Please if u have any Woodhead/news related tips send them to me PFTCommenter@gmail.com
NFL Fan Of The Week: Kurt Paschke
Sometimes its not even close for these awards and Kurt really won this one by KO folks. Despite the lamestream medias rush to judge Paschke as some sort of violent thug just because he murdered a kid a few years ago, Paschke is a champion for TRUE equality. The way Americas going these days everyones going to get a sexchange anyways then who knows which body parts are slamming into which anymore. The only thing Paschke has to worry about is may be like most Jets fans who wont win a championship for 50 years hes a little ahead of his time is all.
Lets all remember that while its always fun and a great time to just let off a little bit of steam and assault a fan of the opponent,, but its always safer to do it while wearing your alternate jersey-style stormtrooper mask. Plus that way your almost as much of a attraction as the game itself and thats what its all about as a fan. And maybe if you hit a woman on national Internet pick a less conspicuous vehicle to ecscape in then the Jets Mobile, but now Im just nitpicking.
Announcer Of The Week: The NFL Networks Rich Eisen
Rich Eisen debuted his match.com dating app for NFL fans last week and you can read the full review here, but for his inovation when it comes to knowing exactly what the discerning NFL fan wants, I had to give this award to him for helping me find a bunch of dates and get laid probably. I've been engaging with other users constantly since my review was published, here are some samples of new chicks I've almost hooked up with and I even made another manfriend.
Robert seems like a cool guy might have to catch a hang with him later maybe play some buy or sell.
Rich is a genius you dont see many other NFL personalities entering the tech world even though Marcus Lattimore seems like hed be a perfect fit over at Yelp or as many of you guys pointed out- a Gruden Grindr app might be right up Kluwe's alley,
As the host of NFL Networks zoo of a pre/post/dominos game show (no offense) Ive got a bit of a soft spot for old Rich, and I guess you could say the same about every chick on FreeAgent for me if you know what I mean. ;) Honestly they should give every chick who tries to message me on that app a swiffer and a cigarette for later folks its getting absurd. Heard a funny story this weekend that when Eisen handed his iPhone to Jamie Dukes and told him that he made a App Dukes tried to eat it before his supper.
Road Grader Of The Week: Jim Irsay
I have a little fun with it and call him "Jim Irsay Can You See?" because on gameday hes seeing double before there even done with the national anthem. Irsays what we call a "decisionmaker" in this business. And whether hes deciding between Luck and Manning or 211 and OE, Irsays the type guy whose not afraid to risk a little short term discomfort for a real championship buzz.
Irsays what you call a "must follow" on Twitter. Hes always pinning his ears and his liver back giving takes on his former players, classic rock lyrics, and that dang big ole penguin he keeps chasing out there.
Sunday Nights game was a huge vindication that Irsay has made all the right moves which we should of seen coming from a guy who spends half his life stumbling around in nothing but a dress shirt and whitey tighteys folks. Hes arguably the best owner in the league because of his ability to both plow through problems and get abosulutely plowed himself at the same time- thats why I gave him the nod as my Road Grader Of The Week for Week 7.
Congrats to all the winners, I know I left a few out but this is a Mt Rushmore of NFL awards not a emporers clay army- you have to stand out folks. In other quick news Im 0-6 in my CAPSLOCKS gambling this year which you have to admit is pretty cool. Enjoy your two nights without football to make eyecontact with you're family or whatever. Im going to use the time to nap and try on football cleats at Sport's Authority for fun. How are YOU going to spend your offdays?