The Post-Mortem, Week 13: Excuse Philip Rivers for having manners, jerkwad

Sorry YOU don't know how to act on someone else's side of the field.

By Ryan Nanni Dec 3, 2013, 11:04am EST

Oh, you think your games are SOOOOOO EXCITING, college football? How about nine NFL games this weekend that were decided by one score? Go get yourself a classic like that Bears-Vikings game and ... hello? Hello? You did not just hang up on me, college football.

Post-Mortem takes a look back at Sunday and Monday's losing teams, finding out exactly where it all went wrong.

Cleveland 28, Jacksonville 32

Time of Death: Brandon Weeden's final pass didn't come close to being caught in the end zone, and Jacksonville is now firmly out of last place in the AFC South. (This is why you will be fired, Gary Kubiak.)

Cause of Death: Things were going pretty much as expected in the first half. Cleveland was up by a touchdown, Jacksonville's offense had performed unevenly, and it looked like the Browns would probably win a fairly uninteresting game. And then it happened: FULL WEEDEN. In the space of six dropbacks, Weeden turned the ball over three times, giving the Jaguars a 13-point swing. Brandon Weeden now has nine career games with multiple interceptions and only seven with multiple passing touchdowns. Please do not make us watch him anymore, Cleveland.

Tennessee 14, Indianapolis 22

Time of Death: Ryan Fitzpatrick drove the Titans into Indianapolis territory on their last drive of the game, but his last throw was picked off, essentially locking up a playoff spot for the Colts.

Cause of Death: Tennessee had three possessions start at or beyond their own 40, but none of them led to a single point. That failure becomes even more glaring when you consider that Indianapolis had been allowing a score on 64 percent of those short drives, the second-worst rate in the league.

Chicago 20, Minnesota 23

Time of Death: We were but 103 seconds away from a second consecutive Vikings tie, but they just haaaaaad to kick a game-winning field goal because they don't care about what makes the rest of us happy.

Cause of Death: Holding a 10-point lead in the fourth quarter, the Bears had two punts that pinned the Vikings inside their own 15 yard line. The defense failed to follow up with a stop on either drive, allowing Matt Cassel to throw for 138 yards and send the game into overtime. Still, it could have been worse for Chicago's defensive unit — if not for Rhett Ellison's volleyball set of a pass that hit him right in the hands, Minnesota might have won this game in regulation.

New York Jets 3, Miami 23

Time of Death: The Jets had a first down at the 50 early in the third quarter when Matt Simms and Bilal Powell bungled a handoff, and the Dolphins scored two plays later to take a 13-0 lead.

Cause of Death: Ryan Tannehill became the third quarterback to amass 300 yards passing against the Jets this season, a total only five quarterbacks who faced Rex Ryan's defense reached in the 2009, 2010, 2011 and 2012 seasons combined. If Jets fans have to watch their own quarterbacks play poorly AND opposing ones shred the secondary, that spells trouble (suffocates in avalanche of boos).

Arizona 21, Philadelphia 24

Time of Death: Needing a field goal to tie, Arizona got the ball back with two minutes to play but could only get five yards on four plays. Should they have attempted a 102 yard field goal on 4th and 5? Yes, because that would have been hilarious.

Cause of Death: In his first 450 pass attempts, Peyton Manning threw 22 interceptions. Drew Brees threw 15, Tom Brady 12, and Aaron Rodgers 11. Nick Foles has thrown five, all last season. The NFL record for fewest interceptions by a quarterback in a season (with at least 250 passing attempts) is three, shared by David Garrard and Bart Starr. You are so not getting this job back, Michael Vick.

Tampa Bay 6, Carolina 27

Time of Death: 30 seconds left in the first half. Down four points, and trying to stop Carolina on fourth and goal from the one-yard line. Could there be a more SCHIANO MEN situation? The answer is no, and, accordingly, the Schiano Men did what they've done pretty often this year — gave up a touchdown.

Cause of Death: The Bucs didn't convert a third down in the first half and only picked up one in the second, thanks in part to five of those 10 attempts needing 10 or more yards. Tampa averages 8.32 yards to gain on third down, second worst overall and a full yard longer than the league average.

Of course, this is what they did on third and four, so.

(via TBL)

Houston 31, New England 34

Time of Death: Houston's last meaningful drive ended in a turnover on downs with two minutes to play when Case Keenum missed on his last three passes, and the Texans are just one loss away from their worst season since 2005 — the year before they hired Gary Kubiak.

Cause of Death: Tom Brady obliterated the Houston secondary in the second half, completing 18 of 23 passes for 263 yards. That total alone is the most the Texans have given up to a passer all season. We have to stop talking about Houston now, because it's making me sad.

Buffalo 31, Atlanta 34

Time of Death: Things got bad for Buffalo when they blew a fourth quarter lead to the Falcons and worse then the Bills fumbled on the second play of overtime, giving Atlanta a short field to kick the game-winning field goal.

Cause of Death: The Bills aren't allowed to win consecutive games. They just aren't. That's the only way you can explain how they play 59:32 of turnover-free football and then lose two fumbles — the one in overtime, and one just as they moved into field goal position near the end of regulation — in the span of three plays.

St. Louis 13, San Francisco 23

Time of Death: Early in the fourth quarter, when Vernon Davis learned he is getting closer and closer to mastering levitation.

Cause of Death: Looking at the final box score, you might think that the Rams had a decent, if unremarkable, day passing the ball. That conclusion would be in error, however; at the end of the third quarter, Kellen Clemens had only completed five of 12 passes for 59 yards and taken two sacks, an anemic 3.3 yards per dropback.

Kansas City 28, Denver 35

Time of Death: Alex Smith drove the Chiefs to the brink of comeback but fell 13 yards short, leaving Washington and Houston as the only teams with longer active losing streaks than Kansas City.

Cause of Death: Denver completed ELEVEN passes that gained at least 15 yards. And it's not like the Broncos threw that many passes! Peyton Manning finished with 35 attempts, so roughly every third pass went for a long gain. There is only one way in which you can allow that and win: if the other team only throws two times.

San Diego 10, Cincinnati 17

Time of Death: After cutting the lead to seven with a field goal, San Diego couldn't get the ball back again, as the Bengals picked up four first downs on the last drive to run out the clock.

Cause of Death: Philip Rivers had completely different games depending on which side of the 50 he was on. In San Diego territory, he was 15/16 for 154 yards. Once he crossed into the Cincinnati half of the field, Rivers fell apart, going 5/17 for 82 yards. You know what we call that? Being a good guest. Philip Rivers is sorry you weren't raised right, idiots.

Washington 17, New York Giants 24

Time of Death: After Washington was the victim of some inconsistent downs policy by the referees, Pierre Garcon got pickpocketed by Will Hill when — actually, no. It's not pickpocketing when you just leave your wallet out on a table with "FREE" written on it in Sharpie.

Cause of Death: Total yards, yards per carry, however you want to measure it, Alfred Morris had his worst game running the ball as a professional, finishing with 26 yards on 11 carries. For all their struggles this year, the Giants have been very stout against the run, only allowing one opposing rusher (DeAngelo Williams in Week 3) to reach 100 yards.

New Orleans 7, Seattle 34

Time of Death: A twenty point halftime deficit made for steep climbing, but the Saints looked like they could maybe make things interesting after holding Seattle to a three and out to start the third quarter. Of course, they then committed a dumb personal foul on the punt return, lost three yards, and wound up punting from their own 14.

Cause of Death: Russell Wilson is awesome and beautiful and the best, but what the Seahawks did to shut down Drew Brees cannot be understated. No defense had held Brees under 200 passing yards since the 2010 season, or under 150 passing yards since 2006, or under four yards per passing attempt since 2004. If this is the kind of play you get with recreational use of prescription drugs, then I say ADDERALL FOR EVERYBODY!