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2013 NFL rosters, as explained by Google image search

A picture is worth a thousand words, or something like that, so what does the Internet oracle have to say about your favorite NFL team?

It happened by mistake. A Google search for the current 90-man Atlanta Falcons yielded a horizontal stripe filled with thumbnail images of the players. There was Kroy Bierman posing nude with his pregnant wife, Asante Samuel decked out in jewelry and Matt Ryan being dull.

What images would a search for all 32 teams deliver, we asked. The results did not disappoint. Thank you, Internet.

Awkward recruiting/college photos


Riley Cooper was once just a fresh-faced kid, eager to see what the world had in store for him. He never really listened to much Kenny Chesney until his freshman year at Florida.


That's the picture you expect to be the first result from a Peyton Manning search: official, stuck between smile and frown, overwhelmed by forehead. I don't know how DRC's eighth-grade football photo found its way onto the internets. Montee Ball has since traded his braces for a retainer, which he's probably lost somewhere in the team cafeteria. His mom is gonna be so pissed.


Quiz Bowl was everything to Luke Joeckel in high school. But as he filled out, he left the nerds behind for the football team. He still said "hello" to his old trivia mates in the hallways, but it was uncomfortable.


"Sam, there's just one thing. Those curls are going to have to go. You're in the NFL now."

The disappeared


Roger Goodell specifically requested that Google not display anything related to the Saints as one of the cruelest punishments from BountyGate. Google, the only entity strong enough to rebuff the NFL, compromised by agreeing not to show image results.

Mug shots


That's Mark Barron's mug shot from a 2011 arrest. Nothing like the humiliating experience of being vetted by NFL Draft analysts to get your mug shot from a 2011 arrest to turn up as the top search result. The juxtaposition of the tree line at the base of Mike Glennon's giant neck is just perfect, because giraffe.


Bills second-round pick Kiko Alonso was arrested twice during his playing days at Oregon. That's Kevin Kolb's team photo from his Cardinals days. It's not a mug shot, but you can expect to see it on the back of milk cartons next year after he disappears into the bustle and noise of Juarez, just a man trying to escape the memories of his quarterbacking days.


Searches for a handful of teams yielded some dull results. In a few cases, that was to be expected.


Jeff Ireland's free agent spending spree is evident here. Notice the lack of a left tackle in these results ... just like real life.





For two teams, the boring, standardized results were more surprising.



That's it? For all the Lions' off-field issues, groin kicks, foot stomps and other shenanigans, all we get are class pictures missing a few pixels around the edge.

And, yes, I really expected to see Tony Romo with Jerry Jones and Jason Garrett in a holiday photo, everyone wearing the phony smiles of a family months away from divorce.



Sebastian Janikowski was a different person before the Raiders' PR staff removed part of his head, on orders from Al Davis to make his kicker look more human, more proportional. Like most things Al Davis did, it backfired.


Jake Locker and Kenny Britt show the tell tale signs of players bent on rising and grinding. Say what you will about the rudderless Titans, at least they haven't sacrificed weight training.


Another muscle shot, but you knew that was going to be the case with LaRon Landry because it's well known that his biceps have same circumference as Chuck Pagano's '07 Camry. What I appreciate most is Robert Mathis' graduation photo.


Tyler Bray, illusionist.


I'm pretty satisfied with Pacman's photo here. I don't know what happened to Rey Maualuga's head. Tyler Eifert was in Indianapolis at the Combine to work out, not look good in front of the camera: mission accomplished.


"What's that, football? No, that's illegal. Besides, I think Coach Harbaugh can hear us talking."



Gronk with his shirt on for a photo is disappointing. Tim Tebow on the cover of GQ instead of Tom Brady ... what a world in which we live.


You've always read Michigan Avenue magazine for the compelling lifestyle content. Also it's about the only thing available in the United lounge during your unplanned four-hour layover at O'Hare. The Jay Cutler feature changed your life and improved your '80s-themed parties.


"Cam Newton's contrasting grays tell you all you need to know about the man. Wishy-washy, selfish, a cancer in the huddle. The guy can't even be bothered to put some color into his outfits because he doesn't want the clothes to take away from the man." - Nolan Nawrocki scouting report, probably.


Confused Mark Sanchez in front of a red carpet-type backdrop dotted with sponsor logos is the butt fumble of staged paparazzi photos. Please resist the urge to pinch Greg McElroy's cheeks.


RGIII shouldn't let himself be defined by his official team photo.


Ben Roethlisberger's picture is what happens when your mom tells the people at Glamour Shots that your interests are football and sexual harassment.

Our favorites


Oh, hello, Marshawn Lynch, and thank you, Internet, for this not being another product placement for Skittles.


Just like Mike Smith would probably want, the core of his offense in standard issue team photos. And then you get to Kroy Biermann's family photo taken during an edgier after-hours session at Sears. That's actually a photo of Wanetta Gibson, the woman who falsely accused Brian Banks of rape and got him sent to prison for five years. If the Internet does one nice thing this season, let it be gaming search results so that Brian Banks actually shows up here.


The three finest pictures of the whole lot are here. Jared Allen, mullet and camo. Matt Cassel's audition photo as the dreamy high school QB for a '90s Nickelodeon show that never aired. And then there's Matt Kalil's work study days running the strong man contest at a carnival loosely affiliated with USC.

Vikings win!

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