We're required to remind you that these strong takes are PARODY. No offense. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Alot of phony-baloney writers keep talking about a "Narrative" in the NFL as if it was a soap opera. Well Ive got news for you- the NFL IS a soap opera and its us all working up quite a lather. That was alot of fun right there. But now, lets all get Dialed in as I unveil to you The NFL All-Narritive Team!
QB: Tony Romo. Heres a fun Romo joke: I sent Tony Romo a invitation for the All-narrative team but it didnt get to his house- do you know why it didnt get to his house? Because Tony has a unlisted address due to his poor play and violent proclevaties of NFL fans! And also it was intercepted. (Get it? He throws interceptions sometime)
RB: Trent Richardson. Trent got traded and now he forgot how to play football, he is the worst player in the history of football now. I would literally rather have a woman who is currently having sex with Trent Richardson at RB than Trent Richardson.
TE: Rob Gronkowsi. You talk about a party animal. Not sure if the "Gronk Spike" is his TD celebration or what he does to his dates drink when there using "the bathroom" (peeing in the bushes outside Senor Frogs).
OT: Michael Oher. Got fat and happy after they made a movie about his life. Now "The Blind Side" refers to how he can't see his entire body below the waste folks. Did he have sex with his hot adopted sister? We all want to know, and no ones saying.
OG: Logan Mankins. Has a beard. Is a RoadGrader. Also, is a mauler.
C: Maurkice Pouncey. If he spent more time reading his playbook then subpeonas maybe he could finally make that next step. Maurkice is a strident supporter of quadruple-accused murdered Aaron Hernandez which is a distraction. He also has a twin which is free publicity since even though he didnt play this year he kep his name in the press.
DE: Aldon Smith. I like to say he wouldnt of got that DUI if he had a much drunker Justin Smith right next to him. Hes got more pending charges then sacks this year, and will never be a guy that Gets It.
DT: Ndamukong Smh. Anytime Suh's on a football field theres going to be more laundry on it then the bedroom floor of whichever girl Mark Sanchez is currently dating.
(Photo via USA Today Sports Images)
OLB: JaDeveon Clowney. Cant win the big one.
ILB: London Fletcher. Short. Only guy in NFL whose compared to Ray Lewis more often than OJ Simpson.
CB: Tyrann Matthieu. The only viral videos THIS Honey Badger have made have taken place in a Baton Rouge Alpha Kappa Alpha house. Smokes enough weed to give most receivers a contact-high and takes advantage of there slow reacton times.
SS: Brandon Merriweather. Ironicaly plays the "Safety" position. Thats like having Chris Kluwe at Tight End.
(Photo via USA Today Sports Images)
FS: Eric Weddle. Scrappy, inteligent, grit, gym rat, hardworker, coaches son, ham & eggs type guy, first-in last-out, sneaky-fast, smart, heads-up, knows the playbook, quarterback've the defense, filmgrinder, hardnosed, acutally cares, underpaid.
Punter: Chris Kluwe. Gay distracton. Knows how to write good.
Kicker: Sebastian Janikowsi. Not sure if hes asked to spell his name more often by NFL reporters or California Highway Patrol offcers.
More from SB Nation NFL
• SB Nation's 2014 NFL playoff coverage and brackets
• The Notebook: Collapses, comebacks and getting ready to do it again
• Washington hires Jay Gruden | More NFL coaching news
• Roger Goodell discusses London expansion, marijuana legalization
• NFL playoffs: Expert picks for the Divisional round | Ref assignments
• NFL mock draft: Teddy Bridgewater is (almost) everyone's No. 1 pick