We're required to remind you that these strong takes are PARODY. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Road Grader of the Week: Andrew Luck
Hey remember when we were debating if RG3 or Andy Luck would be a better NFL quarterback. Well I guess I shouldnt say "we" but you get my drift. The Colts found themselfs down 28 points in the third Quarter but turns out they had a Lucky charm horseshoe all a long and Trix up there sleeves with the rabbits foot aka Adam Vinateri. The Chiefs were obviously uncomfortable holding such a big lead since its a rarity that anyone would ever be down more then 20 points to Andy Reid unless we're talking about our cholesterol here folks.
Andrew Luck is the definition of a Road Grader, he takes awhile to get warmed up sometimes but youd have better luck planking in Tianimen Square then trying to keep him out of high gear when the going gets tough. This Saturday gave birth to a brand new nick name for Andy Luck- Now I'm calling him "The Vending Machine" because he gives you best results after you get to the 4th quarter. Lucks got what they call "selective amnesia" which is like when Trent Richardson forgets to mention his HPV before turning the "record" button on. Really it means he pretends that all the bad stuff he did didn't actualy happen which is a very effective strategy if your a NFL QB or running for reelction in 2012 apparently.
Lunchpail Fella of the Week: Danny freakin' Woodhead
Is this a suprise to anyone? Danny taking the sleeves off his shirt in the cold weather is like George Zimmerman taking the saftey off his gun- and Danny scored 6 which is the exact amount of feet under he buried the Bungles on Sunday, breaking a decades long streak of people from California spending a weekend in Ohio only to walk away completely disappointed.
Really though Danny doesnt look like much coming off the bus but neither did anyone else except for Kordell Stewart. Seriously though Im suprised Danny didnt get ripped off the team Grayhound when they passed through Youngstown just to get another bluecollar fella working the assembly line. In Case You Missed It- Woodhead worked his way through that "vaunted" Cincinatti Bengals defense and scored what would be the winning touchdown even though they scored several other times.
Funny when you stand Danny and Dalton side to side, Andy looks like the abusive posibly psycopath older brother who puts out cigarettes on his little bro, but Danny boy the Denver pipes are calling and youve got a one-way ticket to CO, the new "Garden State," to smoke the Broncos.
By the way, Dannys agent caught wind of the highlight reel we put here last week,, going to try and secure a interview with the Newsboy when hes got some time to focus on distractions.
Showoff of the Week: J'ameis Winston
First of all a couple things. I know that Winstons a student athlete and not in the NFL yet but I would be remist if I didn't comment on his national title game last night. Let's not get ahead of ourselves here. Until the final computer rankings come out he hasnt won anything yet. Alot of people including AJ McCarrons mom are making fun of his awards exceptance speech and to be honest with you I think thats a little out of line. You can criticize Winston on any number of things: his disengenuous smile, how he always knows where the cameras are and plays to them. Has an enormous ego with a sense of entitlement that continually invites trouble and makes him believe he is above the law — does not command respect from teammates and will always struggle to win a locker room, how he Lacks accountability, focus and trustworthiness — is not punctual, seeks shortcuts and sets a bad example. Immature and has had issues with authority. Not dependable.
But to criticize his intelligents when Mike Florio hasnt even leaked his Wonderlic score seems a bit premature. After all the guy was just speaking with excitement from a huge national championship victory in other words he was speaking in Jameis Wins-Toungue, not from a teleprompter like our Cowomander in Chief Obama.
But if were strickly projecting his NFL career here,, well with all that we've learned about Mike Vick in the past couple days Id be suprised if a team took a flyer on his in the first 2 days of the draft.
Announcer of the Week: Pete Prisco