We're required to remind you that these strong takes are PARODY. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
The tie must be stopped.
If I wanted to watch two teams battle it out for way to long without a real winner Id pay attention to a national election (RonPaul2016 folks). Watching the Panthers play the Bengals play to a tie was a disgrace to every thing that the NFL stands for- accountability, winning, and making fun of Donovan McNabb. Where I come from if you get the exact same score as someone else your probably cheating on the test and Sundays example was litereally Playgerism.
It was ironic that the leagues only tie was between two teams name after huge cats because they both look like big p****s.
They say a ties like kissing your sister but with Andy Dalton its more like dryhumping your redheaded stepchild folks. Newton and Dalton both played to keep there jobs, which is actually the easiest way to lose it in the NFL.
Ties are UnAmerican. What if the Vietnam or Korean Wars had ended in ties where would we be now? Its high time we figure out some alternatives to ending a game in a tie, there need to be winners and losers- thats life and it should apply to football as well. So here are my ideas for tiebreakers to see which team actualy wins if the score is even at the end of overtime:
1. Whichever team is most aware of breast cancer
2. Cumulative Wonderlic scores
3. Punt pass and kick contest between the heavyest player on each team
4. Big fight at mid field between the two fanbases
5. Whichever team owns more cats loses
Disagree with me? Too bad I dont care Im right your wrong boo-hoo for you tie-lover. On the the awards---
Road Grader of the Week: Jerry Jones
Jerry Jones is well on his way to winning "executive' of the year" which, in Texas, is a title generaly reserved for the Govenor.
This is the best birthday present I could imagine giving Jones who turns anywhere between 3 and 72 years old today depending on which part of his body your talking to. For a guy whose had his ears pinned back on the operating table so frequentley its great to see it happen on the field for a change, you have to admit.
Jerrys famous for building that giant stadium thats basically one big wet dream about how rich he is which is why I call it Arlington Natonal Sementary, but now he deserves some credit for the product on the field as well. Hes sitting in the drivers seat of that road grader and shifting gears.
I say again that the Dallas Cowboys are favorite's to win the superbowl and anything less then that will be a collapse and dissappointment the likes of which this League has never seen in its history, which would be just a abosolute shame.
Fan of The Week: Nolan
You know whose just not accountable enough to NFL fans? Kickers. They literally have ONE JOB which is more then I can say for Nolan here. He does make some good points about how Mike Nugent deserves to die and stuff allthough Low T is not a laughing matter at all in my opinion, not that Ive ever had any complaints in that department.
Joe Flacco Elite -O-Meter
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
This weeks rating: OFF THE CHARTS!!!!!
Flacco destroyed the Elite O meter this week. Usually when a guy from Baltimore breaks the needle clean off he has to go to the free clinic to get a tetnus shot which would probably be good advice for anyone spending time in the Tampa Bay locker room. In Flaccos case he probably had the best half of his entire life.
I call Joe Flacco the payphone because you give him a quater and and he connects with a drug dealer, namely Steve and Torry Smh. You have to admit 5 touchdowns in one quarter is pretty good even though the Suckaneers (tm PFTCommenter) didnt really put up much of a fight.
10 things I Know I Know:
1. Compared to a tie, a loss is technically a win
2. Dan Snyder is a hero for spitting on the ground inside Universty of Phoenix stadium because he smartly waited until he left the elevator to do it,, it shows you that the NFL Got It Right in the Ray Rice case and people are learning there lessons. While I agree that spitting in your opponets stadium is a good thing I am personally disgusted by the fact that Snyder apparently walked out of the game half way through the 4th Quarter. You know who else checked out early just because the chips were down? Your absolutely right, Hitler did that.
3. Why these pundits look like there about to drop the most fire takes of 2014?
4. The Detroit Lions are a better allaround team without Calvin Johnson. Dont believe me? Then how come they literally won yesterday? Just because your the best player in the league doesnt make you the best player on your team.
5. Kind of a headscratcher that Victor Cruz hurt his patella and Ive never even heard of that tendon before. Makes you wonder if this is a real injury. In my experience whenever I learn of a brand new body part , then the person who told me about it was faking.
Tiger Woods kicking it with the Black Hole at the Raiders game. pic.twitter.com/7hiEuXUMJt— Eric Kay (@ekaycbs) October 12, 2014
6. Tiger Woods was seen in Oakland on Sunday,, which of course is the first time Woods has had to go to a sporting event at "the Black Hole" since Augusta changed its old bylaws back in '96. Honestly judging by his sext messages, Woods seems more like a Brown hole type guy then a Black hole but what do I know.
7. Why isnt spiking the ball to kill the clock intentonal grounding? If you want to stop the clock you should have to hit a referee in the nuts like in Longest Yard,, add a little challenge to it and make the game more enjoyable for the fans.
8. Vontaze Burfict plays the game the right way. Targeting injurys is a natural thing to do just ask any Hyena or Lion,, if you dont want him grabbing your legs and trying to rip your feet off maybe dont plaster your name all over a injury report just so you can get a few extra minutes in the ice tub. Circle of Life.
8A. Brandon Oliver has learned his lesson well from Danny Woodhead folks. Oliver is a lunchpail type guy trhough and through goingn back to his college days:
Branden "Bo" Oliver had legendary work ethic at Buffalo. Coach gave him royal blue hard hat he wore everywhere -- bus, plane, team hotel...— Sam Farmer (@LATimesfarmer) October 12, 2014
Future Chargers running back Branden Oliver in his hard hat (courtesy University of Buffalo) pic.twitter.com/QvnUfLuhOP— Sam Farmer (@LATimesfarmer) October 12, 2014
9. I would rather put my eyes out with a high e string from Korns guitar then watch that entire 27-13 Bears-Falcons game. Its like a battle of which quaterback is going to lose more divisonal playoff games in there career. Im telling you it was the most boring game to watch in the history of the NFL,, You talk about getting the blues folks, this was "Sweet Home Chicago" verse "Georga on my mind" and lets just say I wouldnt of watched this game with Ray Charles' eyes.
10. More like Teddy BridgeH0-2 in his last two games folks. If your team gets shut out by the Lions you should get relegated to the MLS. Teddys glovely performance might make him think hes a real "Smooth Criminal" but make no misstake, his fingerprints are all over this loss and hes "Bad." This loss should have him looking at the "Man in the Mirror",, you know things are bad when people in Minnesota stop comparing you to Michael Jackson and instead compare you to Tarvaris.
11. A fitting tribute since every time I leave Florida I crap blood for like a week and its literally a felony for me to let anyone touch certain body fluids for like a month..
@ArmandoSalguero @PFTCommenter @iHeartMiko @Morgan_Moriarty Miami Dolphins pregame tribute to the Ebola virus. pic.twitter.com/hULNIigukV— Scott F Kenward (@ScottFKenward) October 12, 2014
12. Rob Gronkowski might be the smartest player in the NFL in terms of Football IQ and also carnal knowledge:
Reader MailPail: Jeremy B
is it ok to celabrate after a big win? i wish they would just put there heads down& go to work,, #cowboys
- Sent from my Boost mobile phone
No, act like youve been there before. Here is the comprehense of list of the times in life when its ok to celebrate:
1- When your born
2- When you have sex for free
Thats it. Thats the whole list. Act like youve been there before idiot NFL players. You havent accomplished anything yet,you just did your job for a change.
This week in Rovell:
Watch as Daren tries to backpetal out of him ripping off a story and then pretending to not know the story but using the correct pronoun (a pronouns just a noun that watches film and packs its lunch every day) for a girl when talking about the reporter.
Monday Night Matchup: 49ers verse Rams
This might just be the best matchup of the season for fans and heres why: There selling 24 ounce beers for $4. If you go to this game with a $20 bill in your pocket you can drink the equivlent of 10 beers and still have enough left over to not tip the dancer at the strip club later on. Tonight is going to be the NFL verson of 10 cent beer night which should make for some interesting fan interactions at the very least. It could be the first orgy in the history of primetime NFL games which is reason enoug for me to watch. On the other hand though this cheap booze stunt reeks of a desperation move to try and get there old players like Leonard Little to start attending games.