We're required to remind you that these strong takes are PARODY. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Peyton Manning ought to be a shamed of himself and suspended
Peyton Manning verse Colin Kaepernick was the matchup of one quarterback who breaks records and another who looks like he scratches them. I dont know about you but Id rather have a QB leading my team then a DJ folks. One noted PFTC follower rightfully pointed out that Sunday Night Football missed a bit opportunty to have some fun with it:
@PFTCommenter nbc should have marketed this matchup as "inky and the brain"— Gregg Combes (@greggcombes) October 20, 2014
Well the world got what we tuned in to see as Peyton broke the alltime record for most touchdown passes thrown to someone else. Great individual acomplishment Peyton, I hope all those TDs keep you warm at night. Manning as ever was truly humbeled by the entire experiece of becoming the best athlete at the most important position in the biggest sport in the best country in the world.
Heck you know whats humblig? Getting beaten 43-8 in the superbowl is humbeling.
You know whats not humbling? Having the game literaly stop and do a celebration while Bob Costas is so far up your butt he gets pinkeye. With all thats gone on in the NFL this year Roger Goodell needs to send a strong message and suspend Manning for a game or two to teach him a lesson on being super humble. Act live youve been there before.
More Hot Taeks,,
I cant be the only one whose disgusted by there classless celebrating. That staged-photo-op celebraton after the play was as fake as the moon landing which is literally ironic because if you saw the wounded duck he threw you would never describe Manning as Armstrong, even though you could probly land a lunar orbiter on his forehead.
Manning hasnt accomplished anything yet. Heck, Peytons not even the best quaterback in his family much less the best in league history. He played in a divison with the Jaguars, Texans, and Titans for 12 years. If his schedule were any easier Matt Leinart would of used it to fufill his GenEd requirements folks.
Road Grader of the Week: Kyle Orton
Going into this game I was skeptical. Orton was so clean-shaven I didnt recognize him, it was like that time I saw that video of my ex on limewire. Kyle threw for a last second TD to Sammy Watkins to steal a win away from the Vikings who are looking pretty foolish for allowing Joe Webb to walk out of town. Kyle Orton might be the best QB in the AFC East right now even if you woudnt know it by his facial hair. I think maybe the best thign that could ever happen in the history of the NFL would be if Kyle Orton slept with Giselle and if you dont agree then your not a real football fan.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter
This was a big week for the Elite-O-Meter since Flacco admitted in a interview with ESPN that he reads the debates on whether or not hes Elite. So Flacco if your reading this Im going to give you some bulletin board material here. Your not Elite. Not yet. Elites are the guys like your Roethlisbergers and your Eli Mannings who both have literally twice as many rings as you do. Please close netscape browser immedately and get back in the film room. Your only as Elite as your last pass.
For the rest of you, this week brought us the Ravens vs. Falcons in the competiton of which bird you think would taste worse. Baltimore verse Atlanta in the battle of which city is more stressful to drive in. Edgar Allan Poe verse Outkast. Flacco verse Ryan. This was going to be one to remember.
Joe Cool and Fat Matt are always going to be compared to each other because they were drafted in the same year but that dosent mean there in the same class. The two share very similar backgrounds though. There both named after alcohols-
Flacco again showed why he was drafted by the better team in 2009 and led the Ravens in a absolute blowout of the Falcons. historicaly battles between Maryland and Gerogia can be described as barn-burners but this wasnt much to watch as the Ravens steamrolled 29-7.
Now normally I would of given Flacco a Elite rating for this performance, but since he might still be reading Im giving him a rating of "Is Joe Flacco Elite?"
Fan of the Week: Dezzy Dukes
If anyones used to being cut off unexpectedly its someone looking for receptions at AT&T folks.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Colt McCoy is the only Redskins quaterback who was good enough to get recruted to play quarterback at Texas. This is important because people who go from Austin to Washington DC tend to do really great at there jobs. McCoy is a better fit for Jay Grudens system of scoring 19 points and barley beating the Titans, in my opnion.
2. Why isnt there a awareness month for lockerroom cancer? It effects millions, and if left untreated it can cause major distractons for a team 6 months after they win a superbowl.
3. The Percy Harvin trade was terrible for both teams. Taking a guy w/ a history of migranes away from a state with legal marijuana and putting him on the bright lights of broadway doesnt exactly inspire confidence. On the other hand Percy might be a great fit for a quaterback whose weakness is throwing any pass longer than 2 yards downfield.
4. Bruce Arians could win with literaly any human being that has a sistolic blood pressure of over 60 at QB, no offense to Ryan Leaf. He is a modern day Quaterback whisperer. Anyone that can get Ben Roethlisberger to understand a kids menu at Shoneys much less a NFL offense is a certified genus as far as I'm concerned. Ive been waving the flag for Bruce for 2 full years now and its time to admit, were all living in Arians nation, not to be offensive.
5. Colts owner Jim Irsay got the game ball after there win against the Bengals which is such a nice tribute. Irsay gerneally prefers speedballs to gameballs, but he seemed genuinley happy to be recognized for his efforts and accomplishments in the field of not getting arrested since the season started. Perhaps the more meaningful gesture is the fact that the Colts scored exactly 27 points in a touching tribute to Jim Irsays driving record.
6. Detroit is a better team without Calvin Johnson. Matter fact I call them Calvin and Hobbes because they look more like stuffed animals then Lions when Calvins playing with them. Like I said last week- just because your the best player in the league dosent make you the best player on your team.
7. The Cowboys are 6-1 since refusing to name Michael Sam to there 52 man roster. Coincidence? You be the judge.
8. Jim Harbaugh is the George W Bush of NFL coaches because even though hes doing a great job there are luntics in San Francisco who want to fire him, and hes going to bail out Michigan.
9. The Cowboys got Superbowl fever up in Dallas folks!
10. Theres a lesson to be learned from Peyton Manning. If Im a High School Football coach Im hiring a team neck doctor immediately and giving all my players preventative spinal fusion surgerys their freshman year. Its a copycat league and this is going to be the NFLs equivlant of Tommy John surgery.
11. Now that the NFL is over its domestic violents episode which team goes ahead and brings in Oscar Pistorous off the waiver wire? Makes sense for the Cowboys IMO because DeMarco Murray isnt going to have any legs left down the stretch so they might as well bring in someone with experence to be a mentor for him.
12. Hypocrits everywhere need to back off Cowboys RB Joseph Randle for stealing underwear. Honestly show of hands who out there has bought a pair of brief's in the past 10 years? Thats what I thought,, no one. On one side of are mouths were teaching NFL players to be frugal but on the other we're telling them not to steal underwear? Cant have it both ways.
This week in Rovell: Darren struggles (again) with basic math
Im not a stats guy Im a facts guy. Until they come up with a stat for hardwork Im going to care more about Labormetrics then Sabermetrics folks. But its allways a real treat to see everyones favorite logolicker Darren Rovel making mistakes with basic percentages. Normally the only division errors I care about it how come the Dallas Cowboys play in the NFC East, but this was a great treat as Rovell trys to break down the percentage of TD passes Peyton threw to possible multiple murderer Marvin Harrison:
Rovell is consistently bad at reading numbers and doing math which youll be suprised to know is a pretty big part of his job as chief sports busness analyst.
Reader MailPail: Jed Dearing
Jed points me to a article in the Batlimore sun with a fantastic quote from Jon Harbaugh:
"I think we have been putting one brick on top of the other and going through a process and trying to get better every single day. When you can do that, you can move down the road and improve, and our guys take it seriously. They come to work every day. They bring their lunch box, they bring their blue shirts and they go to work"
Love this mentalty. I want to get this whole thing tattooed on my dogs stomach instead of microchipping him, that way if he ever gets lossed I can ask the pound if they found a dog with a inspiratonal football quote written on him. Then they'll say, "well we have two of those", and it turns out the other dog with a quote about bluecoller NFL players is owned by a hot chick and then we just go to town on each other right there in the pound. "Dear Penthouse forum, I never thought this would of happened to me..."
Monday Night Matchup: Texans verse Steelers.
J.J. Watt shows once again that he Gets It more than any other player in the history of NFL has ever Gotten It.