clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Is Jay Cutler Elite?

New, comments

Brian Urlacher should have never opened his big stupid mouth, no offense.

Matt Marton-USA TODAY Sports

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are PARODY. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Yesterday Brian Uhlarcher make headlines when he gave a strong take on his former teammate and current Bears QB Jay Cutler. I was kind of suprised to hear this kind of talk about of the old Bears linebacker, considering Brian has been known his whole career more for injecting cycles into himself instead of injecting himself into the news cylce.

At any rate, he gave some pretty inflamatory quotes about Jay Cutlers Eliteness. Namely he said that "he was paid like an elite quarterback... He just hasn't produced like an elite quarterback." Number 1 I'll give you the fact that that is a very strong take. Irregardless its distasteful to go "on the record" about anyone who has to scratch himself with needles several times a day, but if you play Jays film backwords you can hear him battling back from behind to force a tie.

The thing you have to remember if your Brian Uhrlacher is that you NEVER talk about a mans Eliteness. Its the worst thing you can possibly do, its like telling Adrian Peterson how to disipline his children. Its literally the NWord when your talking to a white QB. We all knew Jay Cutler was never Elite but that doesnt mean you have to go telegraphing it on the radio. Just because his owner is a old lady who looks like she stole jewels off the sinking Titanic and bought a foot ball team decided to pay him money on the free market dosent mean we should hold that against him publically.

I mean the mans never won a Superbowl therefore all talk of being Elite is mute to begin with. We need to be discusing more important issues like whether or not Russel Wilson is black enough instead of discussing something so personal as a White mans Eliteness, not that race has anything to do with it. The Bears GM Phil Emery just made matters worse when he said "if you have a winning record, you are an elite player at that position.'' Well Obamas 2-0 in electons but Ebola is literally crawling through my backyard so you do the math.

One thing that people forget is that Jays been hamstrung (no offense to Matt Forte) by his head coach/nerd Marc Trestman. Marc comes from a long line of folks like Mike Myers, Jim Carey, and Jim Candy all people who come from Canada to make us all laugh with unOffensive material. Marc seems like a good guy in the same way that murderers meet alot of people that the probably didnt kill but you dont here about that in the media.

But I digress.

Marc Trestmans bad. I digressed again.

Things arent getting any better for Jay or as I call him "the Incredible Sulk." This weekend hes taking on Tom Brady, a mans whose Eliteness has gone unquestoned for at least 3 weeks. Facing off against a resume like that after being dissed by your ex-teammate is the equivilent of having my exwife immedately connect with Mandingo on Tinder. The NFL needs to schedule a "How Fella Got his Groove Back" weekend for Jay to rebound. Maybe give him a foreign vacation to play in the London game verse like the New York Jets. People forget that Winston Churchill was basically the British equivilent of Rex Ryan- another defesnive drunk who didnt understand what a peas meant, the only difference is Churchill spent years battling a fetish for womens meters.

In the meantime Jays going to continue to be known for being apatheic on the sidelines at times, when he probably should of spent that energy being disengaged to Kristen Cavalarri. Hey btw, whats the diffrence between Jay Cutler and my first marrige? I could perform at home once or twice a year! Maybe its just me, but when Jay chose a wife who thinks that the worsed possible thing to do for your health involves hypodermic needles might not be a great match for someone with diabetes.

The ironic thing is that theres a vaccine against not being Elite- its called winning a superbowl, and until he does then the mercurial QB is going to be known to cause lockerroom cancer.