We're required to remind you that these strong takes are PARODY. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Just a word of warning: your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
We've waited pateitntly for 3 seasons to uncover the latest "Is Joe Flacco Elite" debate of the NFL and I think we've finally got one. It's "Is Russell Wilson Black?" As a White Man I have some very intresting and relevant points to make about race in America, like "how come I didnt get into a college I didnt apply to because of Affirmative Acton?" and "I never owned a slave." But now that racial discussons have enetered mainstream sports media I can finally unleash my takes on the issue of whether or not certain QBs are too White or Black.
And its high time we discuss Ben Roethlisbergers blackness folks. In fact I use to say all the time that Ben Roethlisberger was a Black QB like the way Bernie Mack said Clinton was the first Black president. (I dont really get that joke but I saw Kings of Comedy and kept it in my back pocket just in case I wanted to talk about race.) There were a couple lackluster seasons when all the scuttlebud around Big Ben seemed to calm down. But after the clinic Big Ben put on yesterday and the hot talk about Wilson, I think we need to reexamine Bens credentials.
To borrow a phrase from Skip Bayless, Roethlisberger use to have a certain "sizzle' about him. A edge that he hasn't had since his last Superbowl or court appearance. In fact since 2012 Ben had a record of 8-12 until he went on a spiritual trip to Britan last year called "Eat Gray, Love" and since that trip to London hes now 13-7. I submit to you that Ben found something inside himself that had been missing for along time, and since then hes been lights out.
So now lets reexamine Ben and whether or not Ben Roethlisberger is black enough by the numbers:
-He hates Todd Haley (plus 10 points)
-His middle name is Todd (minus 10 points)
-Owns his own BBQ sauce company (plus 1)
-Married a White girl (even)
-Major advertisers are scared to give him endorsments (plus 5 points)
-Drives a motorcyle without a helmet (minus 10)
-Was main reason they won 2 Superbowls but never got a MVP (plus 5)
So right now Bens at +1 so now I say yes I think Ben Roethlisbergers Black enough to be a sucessful NFL QB- the stats check out on this one but we will keep a eye on his numbers for the rest of the season. Which leads us to our:
Road Grader of the Week:
Ben got my road grader of the week award despite completeley abandoning the running game and throwing for 522 yards, which just isnt Steelers football. Most of that blame can go on Playas coach Mike Tomlin who runs a east coast Bad Boy offense instead of the traditonal Pittsburgh style of giving the ball to your upback and saying the lords prayer. Ben has overcome alot of adversity in his short career, not the least of which is winning this Road Grader of the week award despite the fact that he isnt normally aloud to operate heavy machinery.
Bens the first quaterback in the long line of QBs that have played before him with two 500 yard games which is ironic because 1000 yards is the closest hes allowed to be to most history classes.
Fan of the Week: This guy
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
This weeks rating is: HES A BUM!!!!!!
The stage was set for the ultimate Joe Flaccomeback. Andy Dalton had just punched in a quaterback sneak to give the Bengals a 3 point lead over the Ravens with like a minute left. What does Joe Cool do? He throws a 80 yard bomb to Steve Smith Senior for a go ahead touchdown and cements his place in Canton. But wait the NFL in all of its wisdumb decided that they were going to make pass interference a point of emphasis this year and they threw a flag on Steve Smh Senior for pushing some turkey DB out of the way.
Heres a rule change- if the player has a child thats older then 9 years there should be a Old-man strength exception in the rules to gain a advantage. Technicaly its the exact same as using young man speed to gain seperaton so its literally ageism that they discriminate against dads.
At any rate the NFL stands for "No Excuses League" so Ive got to hold Flacco acountable. There fore this week hes a bum and deserves to have his overated ass shipped out of town.
#HOT #SPORTS #TAKES
Ten Things I Know I Know
1. JJ Watt Gets It and is definitley not on PEDs.
2. If SamME Watkins and MEsean Jackson were on the same team youd never score. Your team would allways get the ball at the one yard line and your coach woud have a aneurism by week 3.
3. If England wants to have games kick off on there standard time then we should decide when the next World War armistace goes into affect on ours. Goes both ways.
4. The AFC and NFC souths are so bad I woudnt mind them suceeding and leaving the league. Heres a true stat: until last night all of the Souths wins have come from each other. Even there NFL teams are incestous folks.
5. According to Roethlisberger, the Colts defense was a fully consenting partner.
6. Last time I checked we won the REAL world war one in 1776 and therefore are not subject to having Englanders tell us how to raise are kids.
7. Couldnt of said it better myself J.J. Not sure what DBWH means but Im going with "Donateing to charity, Bluecollar mentalty and Working Hard."
Back 2 the Basics for 2010. No frills, no fuss, just plain hard work. Bringin the lunch pail to work everyday. D.B.W.H.
— JJ Watt (@JJWatt) August 3, 2010
8. I hate selfies. If your the type of person who needs to spend all hours of the day taking selfies in steaed of talking about how you never take selfies then you know how your going to end up?
9. 14 hours of football isnt enough for me. They should make a channel for men that is nothing but just hits from football games. Not passes or anything, just tackles.
10. The Lions should of left Calvin Johnsons lank ass over in England. Its clear at this point that they dont need his wingspan clogging up there passing lanes in Detroit. Maybe all that driving on the wrong side of the car will be good for your ankle son?
11. Speaking of London, guess who used his by week to take a trip to jolly old English?
This week in Rovell
Well this was a banner week in Darren Rovell being a complete idiot so Im not really sure where to start. First he reported on a 19 year old getting to have sex with a porn star and tryed to get him kicked out of school.
And then on Saturday here he is not knowing what the word "Penn" looks like.
Reader MailPail: From Timmy in Tennessee
I seen that Zack Mettenburger shaved off his long hair before his game this weekend.. Some of the greatest men in the HIStory of the world have had shaved heads including - JJ Watt when he was bringin his lunchpail to the NFL combine (obviously #1 in this instince), basketball great Marshall Henderson, Samsin in the Bible when he killed a buncha people including that whore Delila, and Brian Urlacher,. But some of the other greatest men in the HIStory of the world have had long hair - AJ Hawk, Samsin in the Bible before that whore Delila tricked him, and Tom Brady.
I had some fun with it on Thursday and said that Zach Mettenberger looked like Jake Locker going as slutty Charle Whitehurst for Holloween but then Zach went and cut all his hairs off like he literaly let the job get to his head immediately! This was disapointing to say the leased- you dance with the hair that brought you to the prom Zach.
As far as hairpower goes you make alot of compelling points. It all depends on the positon in my opinon. Some of historys greatest QBs were bald- Terry Bradshaws head and Ben Roethlisbergers crotch (for crab reasons) are to that come to mind immedately. However I can see the advantage of having long hair in a instant where your lunging for the goal line (which stretches around the entire world into infinity with alien sex zoos and stuff) having just a bit of that long hair can be the diffrence between a TD and a L.
On the other hand long hair makes you look like a Hippy who cares more about passing the acid test then my eyeball test, I want a QB back there calling singals not a Cute Bae.
Its well documented science that players like Sammy Watkins and Julio Jones lose some of there intelligents to the energy it requires for ones head to maintain dreadlocks. So in conclusion I think longhairs fine as long as its not twitsted around itself. Just remember twisted hair= twisted brain.
-Colt McCoy went to college at Texas. You might not of known that fact, but I did.
-The Redskins have dynamic pass rushers in Ryan Kerrigan and Brian Injuredagain
-Jay Gruden wear's a shirt on waterslides thats a absolute fact just look at him and try to tell me otherwise.
-Look for the Cowboys to finaly play distracton-free football now that Michael Sams no longer on the team
-Dallas will continue it's winning ways paving the way for there most epic collapse of all time folks. It hapning, you just have to hold out faith for it.
So after this game were offically halfway through the 2014 NFL season as well as Teddy Bridgewaters career as a starting QB. So be on the lookout for SB Naitons mid-season specal feature coming out later this week as well as some strongtakes from me served extra hot do to my being in midseason form. Thanks for reading and God Bless.