We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Just a word of warning: your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you. But if you've made it this far- buckle your chinstrap because its time for...
One city has produced Kane West, Obama, and now Marc Trestman. Your move Chernobyl.
Marc Trestman was a dead man walking in the 1st quater when Aaron Rogers put the clown shoes on him. I never trusted Trestman to begin with. Right from the get-go he spells his name like some kind of a Parisian street artist so it makes you wonder whose really pulling the strings behind the scene. You talk about missing the Mark folks its like his name should obvously be spelled "Mark" but he trys to throw you a curve at the end instead of just going for the K- you know who else would of done that? Clayton Kershaw. Neither one of those guys will ever win a championship.
Its time for Chicago to face the facts- they need to clean house. Im not just talking about the coach, or the GM, or the quarterback. Im talking about trading the entire franchise for a new set of legs for Derick Rose or social service system that works or just ask the Blackhawks if they can play football too. Never throught Id say this but the model for how to treat a bad NFL team, you can look no farther then Oakland.
The Raders on the other hand just lost 15 games in a row and there stockpiling ammuniton either for another transit strike or just building up draft picks. Say what you want about the city of Oakland but at least they dont have enough tax revenues to be taken advantage of by the NFL. Oakland is doing the right thing and firing the entire Raider franchise and shipping their asses to Texas to join a growing list of stupid companys moving from California to the Lone Star state.
Heres a true story about the first time I went to Chicago. I sat down at a bar for breakfast dont judge me, and the waiter walks up to the kichen and tells the cooks that the guy hes waiting on just ordered a 6-egg omlette but wants 4 of the eggs "yolks only" That is a absolute blue collar meal for a blue collar town and the Bears dont deserve to play in a city like that. The city of Chicago needs to clean house and ship the Bears asses out of tow. It dosent matter that the Bears got the key to the city in 1985, Chicago needs to show some intiative and burn that place down and change the locks because Mrs. O'Learys cow isnt walking through that door folks.
Road Graders of the Week: Jason Babin & Cole Beasley
I guess theres no such thing as Clean Cole folks. The Cowboys WR has a pristine reputation but a dirty mouth, or at least thats what we were led to beleve after the Cowboys easily defeated the Jaguars. Cole stole the show in London with his gritty 1 catch, 11 yard performance minus one mistimed fumble. Whats more important though is the way he conducted himself with professonalism after a fan offered some tips on ball security:
@massot15 eat a dick— Cole Beasley (@Bease11) November 9, 2014
See all the PC police jump all over Cole and think hes being vulgar, but hes actualy being a well-researched traveller and inviting the fan who told him to hang on to the damn ball to sit down and enjoy a delicous traditional british desert with him.
Jason Babin is riding shotgun in the Road Grader, blasting the new ICP and forming a mini moshpit with Cole this week because of his commitment to playing through the "E" in whistle and the "s" in "carbon emissions."
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
Joe Flacco had the most Joe Flacco game in the history of Joe Flaccos. He threw for 169 yards and a garbage time TD and beat the Titans.
This weeks rating is "Is Joe Flacco Elite?"
Flacco beat a helpless Tennesee squad led by Zack Mettenberger but Flacco didnt really do anything besides not get injured. This game is Joe Flaccos career in a microcauseum. If you beat the Titans it shoudnt even count as a win, it should count as a tie because your suppose to beat the Titans.
Ten Things I Know I Know
1. I absolutley LOVE the NFLs commitment to patronizing the troops every November. The NFL is basically a branch of the military by now since no one else is aloud to run the fun 'n' gun anymore except for private contractors like Blackwater. One thing that confused me was the use of camoflauge towels and stuff that didnt really match the gridiron. If the league wants its players to blend in with the field they should force players to wear penalty flag colored ghillie suits and just lie motionless in the secondary.
2. 60 minutes of Bush getting stripped by Miami was the alternate title for Kloe and Kourtney take on south beach.
3. Mike Mulligan is having a very bad season picking football games.
4. Jason Garret is a soft coach so its no wonder that at least 20 of his players dont understand the concept of Mean time.
5. Why is the Navy SEAL being so me-first about killing Bin Laden? There no "I" in Navy SEAL folks, but I guess theres no Eye in Bin Laden anymore ether.
6. The Lions are so bad at kicking they only beat Brazil 5-0.
7. Bruce Arians could win 10 games with Cooper Manning at QB. No one embodys the next man up philsophy more then Arians who was literaly ready to pull the plug on Pagano a couple of years ago to send a message to the Colts.
8. Josh "Tears of" McCown needs to remember hes a QB and not a Cry baby. Your only allowed to have tears on your eyes if you have tears on your ligaments- I care more about your range of motion then your range of Emotion.
Carson Palmer signed $119M deal w/ Bengals Dec. 29, 2005; tore ACL 10 days later. Palmer signed $50M deal Fri; AZ fears he tore ACL today.— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) November 10, 2014
Soemthing is very fishy here. In any other circumstance this triggers a immediate investigaton for insurance fraud. This is like getting married twice and one week later your wife tells you shes pregnant but then mysteriously you hook up with a ex girlfriend after tying the knot and boom now you owe child support. Its almost to convenient. Non-contact injury= non-contract injury. Sorry son I didnt pay you to hurt yourself.
The only other guy from Southern Californa whose gotten paid to do nothing but act painfully on film and get less results in the last ten years then Carson Palmer is Eddie Murphy folks.
10. What group of pscychopaths got together to determine which cities were going to be in the AFC North? I guess Bopal, three mile island and Juarez must of politely declined the original invitations from Cleveland because if my credit card company saw me booking repeated flights to Pittsburgh Cincinnatti and Baltimore their algorhythyms would also send a check welfare call to my house along with a shot of penicillan.
11. Ben Roethlisberger is my building 7 of the week because he collapsed even though no Jets hit him
12. Jared Allen wears 69 because hes been around forever, everyone talks about him, and he stinks
13. Phil Simms is going to be on some CBS show called Sherlock where he plays like a knife thrower who sucks and kills like a dozen people acidentally after Bill Parcells stops training him
Fan of the game- the Seahawk
Before the Seattle New York Giant game the mascot got a case of football fever/bird flu and went to take in the game with all the 12s out there in the stands. The way this fella was crapping all over the Seahawks fans I would of thought it was a ref from superbowl 40. As a fan, If a Hawk lands on your shoulder you have one of two options-
1. You kill the bastard and eat it later.
2. You give that damn bird a glass of beer and laugh your head off when it pukes on Tom Coughlin or mistakes Eli for a statue of the village idiot and trys to land on him.
Me personally I would of given the Hawk my "D" "(cutout of a fence)" sign for it to fly around the stadium with and we'd call it the D-Hawk as it goes absolutley bonkers on 3rd and long.
Reader MailPail: From Redskins4Lyfe
To be honest this isnt really even a queston just wanted to say that Mark Sanchez is probably a avid player of Black Jack (no offense to D'sean) because Mark allways hit's on 16 LMAO.
Itd be funny if it wasnt also very true. Sanchez has changed his ways a bit though and is now demanding more then one form of ID from all of his conquests giving him the nickname "Two card stud."
This Week In Rovell:
Well aside from misquoting Evel Knievel and also misspelling his name as "Evil" Rovell minded his Ps and Qs this week so this week Im subbing in Rick Reilly since hes basically Darren Rovell who spends all day thinking about teeth instead of brands.
Rileys also has a wierd obsesson with MILFs and that got triggered when he heard the Molly Shattucks news so he went back through his archives and pulled out this story he wrote about her.
I recomend reading the whole thing, its a staggering piece of just how far you can get in life if you try hard, never give up and marry a billonaire and get bored by sitting at home all day. You have to take your hat of to her entire PR team who were in charge of filling the 15 year-old boy sized vaccuum in her life by keeping her name in the paper and making several newspapers write things like "Wow Molly Shattuck is a great all around folk." and "Holy Molly is there any thing she CANT do?" I almost gave the Road Grader of the Week Award to her PR team for doing so much to promote a child molestor but then Id have the PC police knocking down my door demanding equal time for the entire 1969-1999 Penn State media relations department.
What to watch for on Monday Night:
Chip kelly will have to use playcalls that Sanchez is comfortable and familar with so hes naming all his formations after different Michelle Ryans body parts.
There was a great documentary on ESPN about Cam Newton you coudnt help but think that Cam must of thought it was a set-up for interventon the whole time. Im not saying Cams addicted to drugs but I mean come on.