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Jesus is a Raiders Fan

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Facing an 0-11 start, the Raiders needed a little divine intervention. Fortunately they had an ace in the hole.

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We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

With last nights victory of the visiting Chiefs, the Oakland Raiders made sure to keep there names out of the history books with the 2008 Detroit Lions as the worst team to ever exist. Most importantly last night cemented the fact that Jesus is real, and hes a Raiders fan.

After the game Derek Carr made sure to thank Jesus for his continued support of the Oakland Raider brand and I gotta tell you it was refreshing to hear, saying, "I praise the name of God because he stayed faithful through it all." We allways knew Jesus was a die-hard folks, but know that we know hes a Raider fan that makes me respect him so much more.

As a Christian man in America we often get our free speeching limited in places besides television, at the office, and in Congress, so its nice to see that theres still a place for it after winning at sports. I for one aplaud the NFL for allowing this to continue whle sending a message to Carrs opponent Husain Abdullah that his prayer bullying is a 15 yd penalty. Goodell got. this. right.

One thing that all religous scholars agree on is that Jesus is a sports fan- I have some fun and say he was into CrossFit folks. But as a Christian its also hard to not acknowldge the fact that Jesus would of loved NFL football and also would be just a huge fan of ESPN2. His entire life was one big episode of First Take before televison even existed he just travelled around his whole life embracing debate verse all the other religions who were trying to argue which four Gods belonged on the alltime Mt Rushmore of Mt Olympus. Jesus has shown in the past that even he takes Sundays as a day of rest and tunes in to Red Zone so he can help players who thank him most sincerely to win football games. And ever since the Broncos traded away Tebow hes been a Raiders fan. People were saying that it was the end of the world since the Raiders won but hell, that was just Jesus using the Four Horsemen as a intimidaton tactic against Eric Berry.

The greatest trick that Al Davis ever played was convincing the world he wasnt a humble godfearing Christian. In fact you can make the case that Al was the Noah of the NFL. He filled his ark with two of every kind of criminal, had a son that embarases the heck out of him, and lived to be 950 years old.

Still dont beleve me? Just watch last nights tape. The Chiefs marched into Oakland being led by Andy Reid- a dead ringer for a Roman considering how much he worships Little Caesar. As if that werent enough right there to make you realize what a impact the son of God would have on this NFL football game, then all you had to do was tune in for the 4th quater. After a big 3rd down sack with the clock still running, Sio Moore and Kalil Mack committed one of the seven deadly sins of Pride by showing off and Jesus sent a emergency angel down to field level to call a timeout save his favorite franchise. This is so ironic because people allways say that God speaks in mysterous ways and if youve ever seen Justin Tuck trying to act on a Subway commercal then youll know that he is truly a agent of the Lord.


Plus are you gonna sit there with a straight face and tell me God woudnt be a Sebastian Janikowski fan? I mean you talk about a true believer, heck,  the two most important words in the english language to the Polish kicker are "Cross" and "Bar" folks.

For any remaning doubting Thomases out there- the Raiders are the only NFL franchise that goes completely lifeless for three days every spring before waking up on Sunday- its called the NFL draft!!!

Going into this game everyone thougt that Christ would be on the side of Alex Smith. But but folks the only persons feet Alex Smith could bathe with hands that small would be Brett Farve. On the other side you had Derek Carr whose from Fresno which is basically the Utah of California and was most likely conceived as a result of emmaculate conception because his brothers like 40 years older then he is. I think thats what they call the proverbial smoking gun on this one.

So when the Raiders end the season with five more wins dont say I didnt tell you. Things are about to turn around in Oakland folks and its all going to start with this quote from the book of Derek: 6-10


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