We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Happy day after Thanksgiving folks. I hope you all enjoyed your turkey day- I know I did. I was once again MVP of my Turkey Bowl to no ones suprise. The only thing lower then my padlevel was my opponets jockstrap as I ran my ex's boyfriends son who I smashed in 1-on-1 by almost a hundred points. Then he got to tired and injured so we stopped playing and I drove him home on my bike. After that- it was time for some turkey, and I dont know about you guys but I ate & ate.
Speaking of ate and ate, how bout them Cowboys!!!!
I call Jason Garret "Marlboro Red" because hes a Cowboy killer folks. Dallas might not win another game this, or any other season folks bringing there record to a traditonal .500 8-8. Everythings bigger in Texas, folks, including mediocrity.
All the stars were aligning on and off the field for Americas team just a month or so ago, but now they might be in the midst of there biggest embarrassment ever except maybe the time one of there players drove drunk and killed another player and was then reinstated to the team like a week ago. Do you know why they call the Cowboys "Americas" team? Its because they have 50 stars but no leadership, and the beginning of the end started when the Banks took over.
The Cowboys are the traveling salesman of the NFL because its like they do better on the road then at home and once they hit there quotas they just relax until they get there last paycheck. Now that they have there 8 wins they are gong to log off salesforce and halfass it through the New Year. Ive seen it a hundred times in my jobs I had as salesperson for Comcast, Time Warner, and DIRECTV. Just the nature of the beast.
#HOT #SPORTS #TAKES
#HOT #SPORTS #TAKES
Dont believe me? I did the math for you:
Next week the Cowboys travel to Soldier field to take on the Bears for a Thursday night game. Definite loss. A Thursday Night December game in Chicago is Bear weather and people forgot the Cowboys already released Michael Sam no offense. The Bears are going to be led out onto the field with like no sleeves whatsoever and the Cowboys are going to be bundled up on account of visitors to Chicago dont get the right to bare arms because of Rahm Emmanuell.
The following week they travellng to Philadelphia, to take on Mark Sanchez who has a couple of weeks experience which is actually more then his usual romantic conquests.
Then theyve got Andrew Luck coming to Dallas on a mission, literally looking like hes in the Church of the Brethren
Thats followed by a matchup with arch-nemsis Colt McCoy who is undefeated this year against them.
Its time to face facts folks- the Cowboys are staring down the barrell of another 8-8 year. Even if they pull one or two out of there butts against the Bears or Washingtons they will still be eliminated because in my opnion, the Cardinals and Seahawks will have a better record then them. Thats a fact.
So there you have it, the Cowboys have once again dissappointed everyone in the world and collapsed upon themselves like a big tower of jenga assembled by a blockhead. All this losing is going to have Jerry Jones looking for black friday deals on his next coach and QB folks and I tell you what you can get a semi-used Robert Griffin for about 90% off his 2012 MSRP price. Warranty not included.