We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Just a word of warning: your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you. But if you've made it this far- buckle your chinstrap because its time for...
Perhaps the sweetest sound you hear on the gridiron is a trainer sprinting out to a player wincing on the ground and asking them "are you hurt or are you injured?" There's a big diffrence between the two in the NFL folks. You can play with a hurt, but if your injured you can only strap it up and give it a go if its a divisonal game with playoff implications. In fact Im on record that Fox NFL Sunday needs to have two different versions of the NFL theme song ready based on if the player in queston has a serious injury or if hes just hurt and needs a quick blow- using the same sad music for all types of knocks and scrapes detracts from the players who are really injured- its dishonest.
But all it takes is one look around the league and its easy to see that alot of players forgetting the difference.
Jadeveon Clowney has been out with a MCL injury for what feels like a couple years now despite the fact that the Good Lord gave you two knees just so you can play without one of them. Take me, a blogger, for example: I had the flu on Friday but I still packed my lunch and wrote a prevew for the Brady-Manning game. Not to brag but thats the type of dedicaton that Jesus himself would of stood on the table and applauded. Writing a blog with the flu is the equivilant of playing a wildcard game without your dominant arm. But no, Mr. Big Shot first-overall pick Jadeveon sat on the sidelines with a case of the me-first sniffles and essentally cost his team the game.
Now lets take a look at Tony Romo. Romo got his spinal cord shaken up on Monday Night against Colt McCoy and the Redskins but he couldnt shake-off a case of the BrokeBacks in time for a game against the Cardnals that would of put the Cowboys in the Catbirds seat of the NFC. Apparently Toni didnt get the memo that the man who writes his checks said that he was fine to go ahead and play. Heres a fact- having a compressed vertebrae is actually a advantage because all that means is that your vertebrae is more effecient and ready to uncoil into a NFL throw. Mark Schelereths back got compressed and decompressed so often every game that opponets use to accuse the Broncos of piping in polka music during 3rd and short.
Perhaps the most egregous example of not knowing when you should just walk it off is Marcus Lattimore. Dont get me wrong I feel just horrible for the kid and he seems like a good guy but he deserves to be in prison for the way he took advantage of Mark Emmert and Roger Goodell- two guys who are just to polite sometimes for there own good. Marcus essentially used his college career to con his way into the NFL and get payed for two years before quitting. The NCAA should demand its scholarship money back from Marcus and he should be indicted for fraud and racketeering.
Heres a hint- players arent going to be getting guarenteed contracts until they can demonstrate a ability to not milk nicks and cobwebs- they have no one to blame but themselfs for how much the owners are choosing to pay them- you teach people the way you want to be treated, and so far all these players are teaching me is that they'd rather play candyland in the traning room than make me change the math on my depth chart.
So I decided Id make a cool color-coated poster for NFL teams to hang up in there training rooms reminding them they cant make the club in the tub- and actually the purpose of having a training room is to get out of the training room.
So if your a NFL team trainer or owner (I know alot of owners read the MMBM) please contact me to ask about my licensing fees for this poster.
Now onto the Week 9 NFL awards!
Road Grader of the Week: Julian Edelman
Considered giving Big Ben his seond Road Grader award in as many weeks, but took it away because Im just so concern that the Steelers are losing there identity as a smashmouth punch you in the mouth, bloodied lip, spithard football team. You can win all the games you want by passing the ball in the fall but when the snow starts falling your technically not going to win any games throwing for touchdowns.
Edelman had a day and a half on Sunday scoring a receving TD and another one on a Punt Return. The game came exactly two years after his youthful indiscreton arrest in 2011 where he allegdly went up to a woman in a club and just straight up grabbed her by the vagina. Charges were later dropped after the prosecutor determined it was no more then a "fleeting" grab, and that they knew for a fact that if Edelman was really trying to grab something he would of held on to it and gotten some YAC. But at any rate it was a tremendos story of redemption that Edelman has returned from the allegaton to play the sport football at a high level.
Edelman embodys everything about the Patriot Way- hes a scrappy undersize fella who is always the first one on the field and last one to leave. He is bluecollar as they get folks:
Edelman on rebounding: Literally went in and put the hard hat on.— Mark Daniels (@MarkDanielsPJ) November 3, 2014
Fan of the game: Scoreboard Dog
In what you have to imagine was a bitter sweet moment for Mike Vick, the Dallas Cowboys hung a dog up from the scoreboard but brought it down to the field still breathing.
Im a big fan of dogs in general ever since I found out that they hug with there eyes. Ive always said that you technically wrap up and tackle with your eyes so Im calling on Roger Goodell to make this rapelling dog the offical ambassador for heads up football.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
This weeks rating is: HE'S A BUM!!!
Flacco didnt just get taken behind the Woodshed folks he had to go out cut a billion branches, build his own woodshed, and then go ask Big Ben permisson to get taken out behind it no offense. Flacco has now literally lost two games in a row and its high time he start looking for another professon. Maybe he can petiton to play verse the Buccaneers every weekend but I think theyve got there hands full beating themselves.
A Elite Quaterback cant get outdueled by a guy who threw the equivilant of 18 innings 7 days ago. Joe Flacco is a Bum and Big Ben is literally Madison Bum-gardner, and he planted 6 TDs right in Flaccos backyard.
Ten things I know I know:
1. People laughed at Princeton Graduate and Cowboys Head Coach Jason Garret when he made the Cowboys study the concept of hypotenuses but Witten used a perfect angle to track down Patrick Peterson on a blocked FG. Watch as Peterson takes a mathmaticaly impossible angle to reach the endzone since he apparently only thinks a cosine is the way he can get a car, no offense.
Kind of ironic that when you hear something that starts with "high-pot & us" your mind immedately goes to the Arizona backfield folks.
2. Teddy Bridge0-2 verse RG-Me was the matchup of the Skinny Knees vs the Swollen Knees. The game was marked by protests before the game I guess by people who thought that "Redskins" is a offensive name but I guess they dont realize that "Vikings" is the literal skandanavian translation of "Redskin." You cant get more ignorant then that.
3. Kapernnick blew it on that goal line fumble and you have to wonder if he was to busy thinking about a tatoo he wanted to commemorate his game winning score to remember to hang onto the damn ball. I dont know about you folks but I want a QB whose body dosent look like the main character of Memento with his shirt off. I thought Austin Davis was outstanding once again.
4. Dez Bryant signs with Rocnation, Jay Z's agency because he wants to be a ICon but Id rather have a We-Pro.
5. Next time the Raders want to really bury a football in the ground they should trade for Kapernick and ask him to hang on to it best he can.
6. The Chargers havent been the same team since losing Danny Woodhead. Brandon Oliver is a hardnosed guy with tremendous workethic but Danny was the heart and soul of that third-down offense. They were 2-1 before the injury and 3-3 after it- numbers never lie. The biggest difference is that Philip Rivers reminds me of a depressed dog whose oldest dog-friend was just put down. Olivers like a cool new puppy thats getting all the attenton, but Woodhead was Old Yeller.
7. Jadeveon Clowney was sick but aparently not to sick to be liking girls pictures on instantgram while the game was on.
Maybe JJ Watt can teach Clowney a lesson by doing a sack celebraton where he double taps a imaginary smartphone with one hand and pretedns to pound-off his dong with the other- show Clowney what professonalism is all about.
8. I wasnt aware that Brett Farve became a Eagles fan and started sagging his pants after he retried.
9. Mark Sanchez is in for the Eagles which of course means a big oportunity for Maclin and Cooper since Marks so fond of making passes at things that are 18 and below.
10. Did you all watch the New Zeland verse USA rugby game on NBC on Saturday? Holy cow folks what a treat that was although its somewhat disconcerting to see that in Obamas America New Zealand is finally able to beat the USA in something besides literally sailing around New Zealand,, I like to have fun with it and say that Tim Tebow would make just a absolutely heck of a rugby player since the point of the game is to Try as hard as you can and your not allowed to pass the ball forward.
11. Alex Smith hasnt thrown a TD to a Wide Recever, thank God, but the Chiefs are still 5-3. Andy Reids midwest coast offense is basicaly a bunch of coal-minors going to work in the mineshaft with those cool lanterns on there hardhats so I call em the KC Headlights.
This Week in Rovell:
Well Darrens not going to settle for trying to get a college kid suspended for banging a pornstar,, this week hes also snitching on NBA waterboys for not fully respecting brands.
Just a absolutley great job there by Darren calling attention to a MAJOR hydraton snafu. But guess what Darren? Goes both ways. Look at this little gem of yours I found right here, yep thats right I caught you literally breaking the law:
@willis1127 how would you suggest I get it by TSA?— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) October 31, 2014
Hmmm. Per the TSA- solicting information on how to break the law and sneak prohibited items passed airport security is a federal crime and punishable by a fine of up to $7,500
William writes in with a good take on the Brown's success:
Got a question for you,, since the browns are 5-3 and using an undrafted qb and there top 3 wide receivers are literally undrafted, should they cut josh Gordon instead of bringing him back after his suspension in a couple weeks? Don't wanna mess with something that's working, and cutting Gordon would really send a message IMO.
I think that would be the fairest way to do it. Dont want to mess with the chemistry you've got going right now, plus I dont want a guy that sparks up six times a day anywhere near the Cuyahoga river folks.
What to watch for on Monday Night Football:
Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning will just stare at each other in disbelef for so long with there mouths open that they just finally french kiss
In a touching moment that makes us remember just what a great thing sports can be, Indianapolis works out a handshake deal with the Giants to kind of stand up for a play on defense and let Trent Richardson score a TD,, he allways dreamed to get the chance to run for more than 3 yards during a nationally televised game and there wont be a dry eye in the house for this little guy.