The NFL in the midst of an epidemic. It's too big for the league's lawyers to sweep under the rug, like CTE. It's not even a crisis that can be dealt with by the competition committee, like goalpost dunks. Locker rooms are being lost, vanishing from where they're supposed to be. We need to find them.
Washington's locker room was the latest one to disappear. It happened Sunday morning. Players frustrated with the local media began chanting, and the next thing you know, RG3 was alienated and the locker room was gone, disappeared into the unknown with the Bears, 49ers and Seahawks locker rooms.
Here's what we know about each missing squad. Please share your tips and info in the comments so that we find these poor souls cut lose from their Earthly tether by thinly sourced anonymous reports.
Last seen: Being lectured by Brandon Marshall following a Week 7 loss to the Dolphins.
What we know: Marc Trestman, on the hot seat, is a Canadian ... and potential Manchurian Candidate. Did Trestman whisk his team off to the Great White North, away from the watchful McCaskey eyes to teach Jay Cutler a lesson in humility and hard work chopping wood in the Yukon?
San Francisco 49ers
Last seen: Early October, Jim Harbaugh was taking out his trash.
What we know: Deion Sanders gave us the heads up. We've been tracking every single flight going between the Bay Area and Ann Arbor, Michigan. Another theory puts Harbaugh and his team adrift in the Pacific, a team-building seminar with Judge Judy gone wrong.
Last seen: Getting punched in the face by Percy Harvin.
What we know: Seattle's locker room was apparently in turmoil back in February, resulting in a fight between Percy Harvin and Golden Tate. That rift limited their on-field production against the Broncos, and they were barely able to win the Super Bowl by a score of 43-8. The Harvin turmoil boiled over this fall, and he was traded to the Jets. But the damage was done.
Anonymous sources revealed a divide over Russell Wilson's racial identity which has contributed to the team's 5-3 record at the midpoint and caused injuries to Byron Maxwell, Kam Chancellor, Bobby Wagner and most of their offensive linemen. Interestingly enough, things haven't been the same for the Seahawks since a May appearance at the White House with President Obama. The Seahawks may not be missing physically so much as they've been brainwashed. Connect the dots, people.
Washington NFL team
Last seen: Scouring the Southwest for Indians willing to be part of a halftime ceremony at FedEx Field.
What we know: ESPN's Britt McHenry talked to several people around the league who told her that RG3 had alienated the locker room. Several Insiders backed her report with a nod and a wink on Twitter. There were more reports of a leadership void in the locker room, but this is Washington, a city where they literally create leaders overnight. NFL security is combing the desert on an anonymous tip about a team finding its inner self with peyote laced Flatizzas from Subway (Eat Fresh!), but we can't rule out the possibility that players are being used as celebrity pitchmen for a Six Flags coupon campaign.